Forced sex

**LanaBear** · 10-23-2009 10:35 PM

Oh honey, like the others said, please come up with a plan. Like WC said too, lovers and best friends don't treat each other like that. This is not healthy and it sounds like it is just escalating and escalating.

**Goodgirl93** · 10-23-2009 10:37 PM

Oh goodness sweetie! First off I'm really sorry and scared for you.I've never been in this type of situation but what I do know is that NO woman deserves to be abused like this.you deserve so much more.I understand he's ur best friend blah blah,but if he truely cared he wudnt put u through pain.mentally and physically.you should really reconsider the relationship.and I'm glad to hear you are willing to see a counselor.I've learned a lot here...but the most important thing I have learned is "never settle for less that you deserve".think about that. Good luck and keep us posted on the outcome of your situation.

**mirage** · 10-24-2009 12:19 AM

Gosh kallygirlie... thanks for sharing your story. I'm so sorry to hear that you went through that. It must have been confusing to have him treat you that way sexually but be so great in all other ways (like what I'm dealing with). I think it is harder when you're not experienced and perhaps don't know what to expect and don't know what it *should* be like.

My situation was similar actually - I had a few sexual encounters so to speak, but I had never actually had real sex before I met my bf. He was experienced and started pushing me for it from the beginning. I resisted a lot and finally gave him oral instead.... he still wanted the real thing though so I finally gave up and let him. I had red flags going up like crazy in the beginning but he was also helping me through a really difficult situation, so I thought that it seemed he did really care about me.... so I stuck with it.

And you all are right. Would a true friend or lover really put the one they care about through that? And more than once even? Ugh, it sucks.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-24-2009 02:28 AM

Tex has outlined all the abuse and control... Fortunately, and I say that lightly, he hasn't won... You aren't broken from this rather, strong. I imagine you initially just saw it as he told it... "in a relationship you please each other"... He neglected to tell you that your "pleasing counts as well"...

When I say your strong, you came here but more so, you realised that he was wrong and at some point you actually felt raped, not "sex rough as he would like to claim" but actual rape and it hit you.

I'm glad because acknowledging this and not putting it at the back of your mind is important.

Putting at the back of your mind makes you go through life, un-able to love properly, always wondering and worrying and often, not knowing why until your sub-conscious tells you later in life.

So this is why I say, fortunately. Because you will get help and realise it wasn't ever your fault and that you are beautiful, he is a coward. He thinks hitting women is "coward", he did hit you, he spoke his "fears" of who he is sub-consciously.

Understand therefore, first and foremost... Men "real men" are not like this... And, work towards that realisation for your future...

He is an abuser, he believes "your his".. You may not have fear of telling him your leaving at some stage... but I want to tell you... Please do.. I'm not trying to scare you but I am telling you, do not give him wind of it what so ever...

When you walk.. Do it when he's not there and don't let him know.

An abuser can turn as well. He may say " leave if you want" but usually that is because they believe you never will.. They believe that they control you... He has sexually and he has emotionally until now.

It's when we find the strength to realise what's happening that the penny drops.. Don't let him realise that penny dropped.

People aren't telling you this for no reason, just assuming, it's a fact that abusers do not like losing.

If I can say? It's your turn to play the game.

NO. Lock yourself in a room and say NO.

And after your counselling next week, suggest and ask if you should be speaking to your family, I believe that they will say 1) when you are ready but 2) that you should.

I am going to suggest that you do, because "family" will move the earth to help their loved ones.

Let them help you get out without him realising as much as you see him as "your best friend who helped you all those years ago", it was because you were vulvernable and he knew that and believed that he could therefore, control you and beat you down to be what he wants/wanted.

Don't take this lightly and I know I am repeating myself, but don't take this lightly that if you were to say, I am going to leave you that his temper will not rise. After all, this is a man that said "hitting a woman is a coward", and he did.

CW

**WildChild** · 10-24-2009 09:17 AM

CW has said what I was thinking. Just because he says you can leave anytime DOES NOT mean he will let you go graciously and easily. Don't count on that at all. When you leave you are very likely to find out just how dark his dark side is. He may confine himself to some hurtful words calculated to hit at your self esteem but don't count on it, he is very likely to lash out and get really ugly.

He is an abuser and controller. They want to call the shots. He's worked at convincing himself that this is OK in part because you've stayed. If his behavior was out of line - his reasoning is that you would have walked immediately. Leaving will upset his apple cart and it sounds pretty shaky already.

When you leave you need to be able to get out fast, when he is not there and don't let him know where you are. When you are leaving an abuser is a very dangerous time. Have you got any money saved? That he can't get at? Do you have any freinds, a co-worker maybe, that he doesn't know? When I was leaving my kids dad who was abusive I was set up to literally disappear. He had never hit me but with the air of violence around him, his verbal attacks and threats toward me and the kids, caused me to take the better safe than sorry approach. I'm glad I did, there were some things that indicate he may well have harmed us if he could have found us.

Really unless you have a good career track job it would be best if you could go elsewhere. See if you can transfer and go back home if you are away from family and freinds. Having a support network is always good at times like these and distance makes it less likely you will have to deal with his full wrath. Unless the home turf situation was bad too?

**mirage** · 10-24-2009 04:25 PM

Thanks CW and WC. I'm thinking about everything you've said.

We've talked more today - well... it ended up escalating into a big argument. The instances of rape came up and he said again that it wasn't rape because I "gave him the green light." The most recent time that it had happened, we had just gotten in a big argument and since it was late, I had gone to bed. I was confused and didn't even know the status of our relationship at that time. He came later and started touching my back. I turned toward him because I was surprised, confused, and didn't want to ignore him. I may have touched his arm, shoulder, I'm not sure; I don't remember well at this point. But my touch was not sexual - that was the last thing on my mind. That's when he started trying to take off my clothes, and I felt a rush of disappointment - was he touching me just because he wanted sex after all? And not as a gesture of goodwill after our fight? I knew I would have an impossible time having sex at that point because things weren't fixed between us, so I said no and asked him to stop, and asked him what was he doing when he still kept going.

So, today he said that yes what he did was wrong, forcing me to have sex and slapping me when I started crying. But it wasn't rape because I gave him the green light, and again, because it's not rape when you're in a relationship.

I honestly don't think he would do anything if I left. Both of us are so tired at this point. He even cried today, which I've never seen before.... because he still felt so hurt by what I had done 6 months ago (I had been talking to a friend online and the friend made some insinuations about my bf. While I did defend him, it was more indirect and the guy kept going and even sent me a detailed email about how terrible my bf was. Most of it was completely out of line and untrue, and my bf was SO hurt that I hadn't taken a stronger stand to defend him).

He's a very private person, and had a very difficult childhood. He was physically abused often (via extreme forms of punishment). Abuse against women in his family never happened though; just the boys in the family received this treatment. I'm one of the very few people he has actually allowed 'in', and unfortunately because I tend to not be assertive in conflict (which I am aware of and am working on), I allowed another person to insult him. Yet, he has never let anyone say one word about me, whether neutral or negative. He knew a couple of guys who said something disrespectful about me (even though they hardly knew me), so he completely cut them off and stopped even being friends with them. He sees his actions as a sign of true devotion and loyalty, so what I did has hurt him to the point that he still hasn't gotten over it.

He left today after he broke down... I don't know where he went. I have so much work to do and need to try to focus on that right now... It's very difficult though. Mentally I keep feeling myself distancing from what happened and already I'm starting to forget the details and the raw emotions I felt and saw from him. I guess this is why I took the time to come on here and post it so that I won't forget.

WC, my family means well, so I know they would of course help me out. They live far away though, and I won't be able to up and leave immediately. And I wouldn't want to anyway, though. I don't want to run away from my problems. I understand that in an abusive situation, running away is for one's own safety and well-being. But even though he's been really mad at me before, he's never hit me or thrown anything - I've never felt worried about that happening.

I think I need to face this head on, to continue communicating honestly with him so that we can come to a mutual agreement. And not necessarily to stay together. I feel like there's too much between us now to just forgive and move on. But I think we need to get everything out, resolve what we can, and work out a plan from there, whether it be end it all now, or stay together until the lease is up, etc.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-24-2009 04:38 PM

Your a very mature person.

But, as most "abused people", if by a partner, your covering and giving excuses as to the reasons why he is like this.

In-effect, I assume you knew he was abused as a child when you entered this relationship or at least a short way into it.

And, like alot of people, you felt that "your love" would change it all for him and help him because deep down he's a "good person"...

We can't, they need to help themselves first. What he is displaying then is anger over what he went through and so he feels he can "take" from you, your his girlfriend, he's in a relationship, it's not rape. It is, if you say NO. Simple... There are so many married women who are abused by their husbands sexually and don't leave for the same reason, they think that it's ok, because he says so, yet they don't like it, only to find one day, he then "hits her" and she has black eyes, bruises and then she walks eventually.

Remember that sweet.

Anger manifests. He's not strong. He cried over you not standing up for him enough 6 months ago. He's emotionally in trouble and getting worse from the sounds of it.

I don't know if you suggested that he got councelling he would listen but he needs it.

You need to disagree with him and tell him, or google it and find it over and over from different sources and print it out - NO means NO, even in a relationship and that is called rape. Let him see it for himself.

Be careful...

And, I can see that your a caring person even after this... But, don't let any of it cloud your judgement... You entered a relationship with someone whom has been abused and is now abusing and I would suggest it was his father, to his sons, now his son has changed the pattern and is doing it to a woman...

CW

**renniemama** · 10-24-2009 06:40 PM

CW is right, I think most states have adopted laws where any forced sex is rape, even in a marriage of 30 years it is still considered rape. If you are not comfortable reporting the intances of rape, that is OKAY! It is your choice whether to report or not, but don't let him get away with it anymore, tell him flat out you do not want him to have sex with you unless you verbaly consent, this lets him know you have standards and it makes your claim much stronger if you have to report a rape in the future.

I dont know where you live, but you can google a help line in the area, rape crisis, domestic abuse help. Just don't do it on a computer he can monitor! Do it at work or the local library of a school, he may not take kindly to knowing you are seeking help with this. I know it seems callous but you have to watch your back right now, even if you plan to stay with him.

Don't give up hope, decide for yourself what you want to do and do everything in your power to make it so!

**WildChild** · 10-24-2009 07:33 PM

Counseling would be a good idea for both of you.

**sperosi** · 10-25-2009 04:25 PM

thing like this rarely get better, and almost always only get worse.

get out.

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