Forced sex

mirage · 10-23-2009, 09:22 PM

Hi,

I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place or not... but anyway: I've been struggling with whether to post or not, but I can't talk with anyone about this in real life so online is better than nothing I guess. I need to vent and perhaps hear what others have to say.

So... My SO has a very high sex drive (we've been together 3 years btw), which I think in part comes from the fact that he channels all his emotions and frustrations into it. He's pissed, he's sad, he's happy, whatever, he wants sex as a release. I have always tried to be accomodating but it's difficult when I know he's just letting off steam and in his mind I could be anyone; I can tell he's not having sex with ME - he's just having sex. He gets mad at me often because I'm not 'into it' and because I don't always orgasm... it's hard though because I need foreplay and he just wants to get down to business. It's all I can do to just make sure I'm wet enough so it won't hurt. Sometimes I can't get wet enough and it hurts both of us, and he gets frustrated with me and tells me I'm not normal and I have sexual problems.

However, it's not always like that; sometimes he does focus on me and occasionally gives me enough foreplay to be turned on... and sometimes when he doesn't, he'll spend time on me afterward to make sure I orgasm.

However, in the past few months, he's been really stressed out with a few things and he ended up actually forcing me to have sex a handful of times. One time I did want to at first, but he was doing it so hard that it began hurting, and when he didn't stop, I started crying (which surprised me actually, I just started sobbing and couldn't stop even though I tried!). Yet, he still kept going. The other times I didn't want to and asked him not to but he did it anyway. When I started crying, he slapped me a few times (not hard though). He's not abusive in any other way, and in fact has adamantly said many times that men who hit their partners are cowards. He has slapped me a few times in sex before, more recently, and I haven't really liked it but wasn't sure if perhaps he did that because it's a turn on for him (he always tells me he's being 'nice' to me and that he prefers rough sex). I don't want to jump to blaming him for slapping me for crying since it could have been a coincidence... but since it happened 'coincidentally' before, that is a fact that can't be ignored.

I tried to talk to him about it, to ask him if he would not do that again, but he said that he thought it was completely ok to do that when in a relationship with someone; neither should ever deny the other.

But... the last time it happened I felt like my heart was ripped apart, I felt really so hurt... I honestly don't know how to describe it. I feel like there's a big gap between us that I can't forgive and just get over so easily. I feel a little hesitant to have sex with him now, and he's noticed and isn't happy either.

I just feel confused... he's my best friend, he understands me so well, we've been through a lot together, so many times he's been the only person there for me in some of the most difficult times of my life. Yet it's difficult for me to move on from what has happened recently... and it's even harder because he hasn't apologized or seemed sorry for it. He did ask me if it hurt after the last time... and then gave me a tissue so I could wipe my eyes... hugged me a little bit... so at least he was showing empathy but still that's not the same as saying he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again...

So.... I appreciate the space to vent... and I also wonder what any of you would do if you were in the same situation...?

**Tex** · 10-23-2009, 09:37 PM

Forced sex is rape. It doesn't matter if it is your significant other or a stranger on the street. It doesn't matter if he has a high sex drive or is stressed out. It doesn't matter if he is nice and understanding at other times.

Forced sex is rape no matter how you look at it.

Slapping you is physical abuse. It doesn't matter if it turns him on or if he was upset with you.

Getting mad at you, telling you you're not normal, and saying you have problems is emotional abuse. It doesn't matter if he means it or if he is just frustrated.

Emotional abuse. Physical abuse. Rape.

Get out of the relationship and stay far away from him. I know you're going to tell yourself that you love him and he loves you and that you need to stay together. Don't make any excuses and just get out for the sake of your safety and well being.

**WildChild** · 10-23-2009, 09:40 PM

Oh Sweetheat!! Lovers and best freinds don't treat you this way- ever! This is so wrong. Essentially it is rape. If you say no, that should be it. You aren't a blow up doll. To continue when you tell him to stop and you are dry, not aroused, is abuse. Hitting you is abuse.

People who are into S&M have safe words and an agreement about what is acceptable. This is so far out of line! It is not OK. People who love and care for each other, treat each other with respect. He is showing you no respect sexually and it sounds like he is escalating his behavior. I'm concerned for your future safety if he continues. You need to examine why you are willing to accept this treatment. Please get some help. He has serious problems!

mirage · 10-23-2009, 09:55 PM

Thanks WC and Tex. I *know* this and I really appreciate your feedback. I'm glad for this forum as I needed to get it out somehow - anonymously. This being online I can then go back and try to remove myself from the situation and re-read what I typed as if it weren't my own situation.... that helps to see the enormity of it. I have made an appointment to go talk to a counselor but it's not til next week and I really needed to get this off my chest.

It took me a week and a half (when the most recent time happened) to get the courage to even post this online... I made the appointment today too. I know the situation is serious because I couldn't just forget it happened (like I usually do); not this time.

It's ironic how we tend to function - it's much easier to see someone else's problem clearly and advise them on the best course of action, but when it's your own problem it's a completely different story. We just keep trying and hoping it'll get better and telling ourselves it's not that serious.

**sourpuss** · 10-23-2009, 10:09 PM

Are you going to leave him and report the rape?

**WildChild** · 10-23-2009, 10:12 PM

You are right and I've said it myself many times; it always easier to see what someone else is doing than what you are.
I'm glad you've made an appointment.

Are you employed?
Are you economically dependent on him?
Do you live together?
Do you have freinds or family in the area?

I have a suspicion that he would not deal well with your leaving the relationship. You need to have a plan, the counselor should be help to help with that.

**sourpuss** · 10-23-2009, 10:20 PM

WC is right. Please come up with a safe plan for leaving. But DO LEAVE as soon as you can safely get out of the relationship.

mirage · 10-23-2009, 10:25 PM

I am employed, not dependent on him, but we do live together. I moved up here to be with him and have been too busy with work to make many friends or spend much time with them. My family lives far away. Honestly I don't think he would do anything if I decided to leave. He has actually told me before that he's not forcing me to be with him and I'm free to leave if I wanted to.

**sourpuss** · 10-23-2009, 10:29 PM

You need to leave ASAP then.

**Kallygirlie** · 10-23-2009, 10:31 PM

I to agree with the ladies but I wanna offer you some experience. Back in 2003 I was 19 going on 20. I was with a guy for 6 months. He moved to NC and I soon followed. I should add i was a virgin when I left and he knew it. Told me he respected it and wouldn ever push me. that did last long. first he made me feel miserable as a gf and got me to give him head. Then one night he turned over in bed and told me he was horny. Told me he couldnt be with a girl that didn't satisfy him and and as he got on top of me told me I either needed to be his girl or go home (6hrs away). My car has a slashed tire so I couldn't go anywhere, didn't have the money to fix it. That night lives vividly in my mind as my biggest regret. I gave in. That night let up to him taking sex whenever and where ever he wanted it. even taking a shower I had no peace. He'd come in and push me against the wall or bend me over. No was no option. I let him continue because I was naive and didn't think i could do better because other than all this he was an amazing bf. That lasted 6months until he told me to pack my stuff and get out. I told my mom yrs later and she told me that she wanted to hunt him down. It wasn't until she told me this was rape that I understood what he really was doing. I would go in the bathroom after every time we had sex and he'd come in acting all sweet and saying he was sorry for hurting me but it didn't stop him.

You really need to put your foot down on this one. Him saying that being together means your not supposed to say no is retarded. You arent a toy and you are allowed to say no. My man hasn't gotten anything for almost 2 months because of the major symptoms of an ovarian cyst. He's sweet and loving, tells me he'll wait as long as he needs. Yeah he makes things obvious that he's sexually frustrated but he still doesnt pressure me. Its really a nice change.

You def need to tell him you are done being abused

10-23-2009, 09:22 PM	#1
mirage Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 5	Forced sex Hi, I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place or not... but anyway: I've been struggling with whether to post or not, but I can't talk with anyone about this in real life so online is better than nothing I guess. I need to vent and perhaps hear what others have to say. So... My SO has a very high sex drive (we've been together 3 years btw), which I think in part comes from the fact that he channels all his emotions and frustrations into it. He's pissed, he's sad, he's happy, whatever, he wants sex as a release. I have always tried to be accomodating but it's difficult when I know he's just letting off steam and in his mind I could be anyone; I can tell he's not having sex with ME - he's just having sex. He gets mad at me often because I'm not 'into it' and because I don't always orgasm... it's hard though because I need foreplay and he just wants to get down to business. It's all I can do to just make sure I'm wet enough so it won't hurt. Sometimes I can't get wet enough and it hurts both of us, and he gets frustrated with me and tells me I'm not normal and I have sexual problems. However, it's not always like that; sometimes he does focus on me and occasionally gives me enough foreplay to be turned on... and sometimes when he doesn't, he'll spend time on me afterward to make sure I orgasm. However, in the past few months, he's been really stressed out with a few things and he ended up actually forcing me to have sex a handful of times. One time I did want to at first, but he was doing it so hard that it began hurting, and when he didn't stop, I started crying (which surprised me actually, I just started sobbing and couldn't stop even though I tried!). Yet, he still kept going. The other times I didn't want to and asked him not to but he did it anyway. When I started crying, he slapped me a few times (not hard though). He's not abusive in any other way, and in fact has adamantly said many times that men who hit their partners are cowards. He has slapped me a few times in sex before, more recently, and I haven't really liked it but wasn't sure if perhaps he did that because it's a turn on for him (he always tells me he's being 'nice' to me and that he prefers rough sex). I don't want to jump to blaming him for slapping me for crying since it could have been a coincidence... but since it happened 'coincidentally' before, that is a fact that can't be ignored. I tried to talk to him about it, to ask him if he would not do that again, but he said that he thought it was completely ok to do that when in a relationship with someone; neither should ever deny the other. But... the last time it happened I felt like my heart was ripped apart, I felt really so hurt... I honestly don't know how to describe it. I feel like there's a big gap between us that I can't forgive and just get over so easily. I feel a little hesitant to have sex with him now, and he's noticed and isn't happy either. I just feel confused... he's my best friend, he understands me so well, we've been through a lot together, so many times he's been the only person there for me in some of the most difficult times of my life. Yet it's difficult for me to move on from what has happened recently... and it's even harder because he hasn't apologized or seemed sorry for it. He did ask me if it hurt after the last time... and then gave me a tissue so I could wipe my eyes... hugged me a little bit... so at least he was showing empathy but still that's not the same as saying he was sorry and that he wouldn't do it again... So.... I appreciate the space to vent... and I also wonder what any of you would do if you were in the same situation...?

10-23-2009, 09:40 PM	#3
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,232 Blog Entries: 5	Oh Sweetheat!! Lovers and best freinds don't treat you this way- ever! This is so wrong. Essentially it is rape. If you say no, that should be it. You aren't a blow up doll. To continue when you tell him to stop and you are dry, not aroused, is abuse. Hitting you is abuse. People who are into S&M have safe words and an agreement about what is acceptable. This is so far out of line! It is not OK. People who love and care for each other, treat each other with respect. He is showing you no respect sexually and it sounds like he is escalating his behavior. I'm concerned for your future safety if he continues. You need to examine why you are willing to accept this treatment. Please get some help. He has serious problems! __________________ We can only learn to love by loving. Iris Mudoch, British writer

10-23-2009, 10:09 PM	#5
sourpuss WH Moderator Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Montana Posts: 1,375	Are you going to leave him and report the rape? __________________ Hard work beats talent, when talent doesn't work hard. Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

10-23-2009, 10:12 PM	#6
WildChild Gold Contributor 500+ Posts Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: Western USA Posts: 6,232 Blog Entries: 5	You are right and I've said it myself many times; it always easier to see what someone else is doing than what you are. I'm glad you've made an appointment. Are you employed? Are you economically dependent on him? Do you live together? Do you have freinds or family in the area? I have a suspicion that he would not deal well with your leaving the relationship. You need to have a plan, the counselor should be help to help with that. __________________ We can only learn to love by loving. Iris Mudoch, British writer

10-23-2009, 10:20 PM	#7
sourpuss WH Moderator Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Montana Posts: 1,375	WC is right. Please come up with a safe plan for leaving. But DO LEAVE as soon as you can safely get out of the relationship. __________________ Hard work beats talent, when talent doesn't work hard. Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

10-23-2009, 09:37 PM	#2
Tex Gold Contributor 500+ Posts $Tex's Avatar$ Join Date: Sep 2009 Posts: 1,124	Forced sex is rape. It doesn't matter if it is your significant other or a stranger on the street. It doesn't matter if he has a high sex drive or is stressed out. It doesn't matter if he is nice and understanding at other times. Forced sex is rape no matter how you look at it. Slapping you is physical abuse. It doesn't matter if it turns him on or if he was upset with you. Getting mad at you, telling you you're not normal, and saying you have problems is emotional abuse. It doesn't matter if he means it or if he is just frustrated. Emotional abuse. Physical abuse. Rape. Get out of the relationship and stay far away from him. I know you're going to tell yourself that you love him and he loves you and that you need to stay together. Don't make any excuses and just get out for the sake of your safety and well being.

10-23-2009, 09:55 PM	#4
mirage Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 5	Thanks WC and Tex. I know this and I really appreciate your feedback. I'm glad for this forum as I needed to get it out somehow - anonymously. This being online I can then go back and try to remove myself from the situation and re-read what I typed as if it weren't my own situation.... that helps to see the enormity of it. I have made an appointment to go talk to a counselor but it's not til next week and I really needed to get this off my chest. It took me a week and a half (when the most recent time happened) to get the courage to even post this online... I made the appointment today too. I know the situation is serious because I couldn't just forget it happened (like I usually do); not this time. It's ironic how we tend to function - it's much easier to see someone else's problem clearly and advise them on the best course of action, but when it's your own problem it's a completely different story. We just keep trying and hoping it'll get better and telling ourselves it's not that serious.

10-23-2009, 10:25 PM	#8
mirage Junior Member Join Date: Oct 2009 Posts: 5	I am employed, not dependent on him, but we do live together. I moved up here to be with him and have been too busy with work to make many friends or spend much time with them. My family lives far away. Honestly I don't think he would do anything if I decided to leave. He has actually told me before that he's not forcing me to be with him and I'm free to leave if I wanted to.

10-23-2009, 10:29 PM	#9
sourpuss WH Moderator Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Montana Posts: 1,375	You need to leave ASAP then. __________________ Hard work beats talent, when talent doesn't work hard. Register! \| Rules/FAQ \| Contact Mod

10-23-2009, 10:31 PM	#10
Kallygirlie Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Simon Champion! Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: PA, USA Posts: 367	I to agree with the ladies but I wanna offer you some experience. Back in 2003 I was 19 going on 20. I was with a guy for 6 months. He moved to NC and I soon followed. I should add i was a virgin when I left and he knew it. Told me he respected it and wouldn ever push me. that did last long. first he made me feel miserable as a gf and got me to give him head. Then one night he turned over in bed and told me he was horny. Told me he couldnt be with a girl that didn't satisfy him and and as he got on top of me told me I either needed to be his girl or go home (6hrs away). My car has a slashed tire so I couldn't go anywhere, didn't have the money to fix it. That night lives vividly in my mind as my biggest regret. I gave in. That night let up to him taking sex whenever and where ever he wanted it. even taking a shower I had no peace. He'd come in and push me against the wall or bend me over. No was no option. I let him continue because I was naive and didn't think i could do better because other than all this he was an amazing bf. That lasted 6months until he told me to pack my stuff and get out. I told my mom yrs later and she told me that she wanted to hunt him down. It wasn't until she told me this was rape that I understood what he really was doing. I would go in the bathroom after every time we had sex and he'd come in acting all sweet and saying he was sorry for hurting me but it didn't stop him. You really need to put your foot down on this one. Him saying that being together means your not supposed to say no is retarded. You arent a toy and you are allowed to say no. My man hasn't gotten anything for almost 2 months because of the major symptoms of an ovarian cyst. He's sweet and loving, tells me he'll wait as long as he needs. Yeah he makes things obvious that he's sexually frustrated but he still doesnt pressure me. Its really a nice change. You def need to tell him you are done being abused __________________ Krystal

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