Having trouble dropping the leash

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-25-2009 04:00 PM

Change the locks on both your home and the Tattoo Shop and then leave all his stuff at your front door with a note, saying that if he goes near you or the shop, you have informed the Police and they are watching and he will be locked up for breaking and entering or damage, or harrasement.

Basically, he has no respect for you. He thinks your family have money, you have money, forget whether you work 12hrs a day to earn it and have had no life, he feels that you owe him.. He is there giving you "attention" cough/cough and so bad luck.

Your problem was buying the Tattoo shop for him, the car, etc.

Your reasons probably were, lonliness and desperately wanting someone in your life due to your career.

I am not saying you were "buying" him, but he has no respect because he hasn't had to earn a thing and each complaint you give him, you follow through with more money and so it's not taken seriously. He's manipulating and tries to make it your fault or your thinking wrong.

This is way too stressful and way too much effort put in for nothing in return.

You can't get up and go yourself for a couple of days, that's not the solution you can't say you "love him" he gives you nothing and he takes all.. You just want love and to be in a relationship and your a career orientated person...

Realise that once you cut the strings you will have time for yourself, money to book a Hotel room one night for that bath with candles and a few wines, you will be able to re-connect to old friends and current more and you will find someone else.

CW

**moonisis** · 10-25-2009 04:07 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

Ah a Smart Lock. Have to admit I'm not comfy with those yet. I get out my rekey kit and pull them apart...LOL I'm resisting change.

You might want to do a good purification and smudging with an intension to keep anyone who isn't a positive force in your life out.

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Change the locks on both your home and the Tattoo Shop and then leave all his stuff at your front door with a note, saying that if he goes near you or the shop, you have informed the Police and they are watching and he will be locked up for breaking and entering or damage, or harrasement.

Basically, he has no respect for you. He thinks your family have money, you have money, forget whether you work 12hrs a day to earn it and have had no life, he feels that you owe him.. He is there giving you "attention" cough/cough and so bad luck.

Your problem was buying the Tattoo shop for him, the car, etc.

Your reasons probably were, lonliness and desperately wanting someone in your life due to your career.

I am not saying you were "buying" him, but he has no respect because he hasn't had to earn a thing and each complaint you give him, you follow through with more money and so it's not taken seriously. He's manipulating and tries to make it your fault or your thinking wrong.

This is way too stressful and way too much effort put in for nothing in return.

You can't get up and go yourself for a couple of days, that's not the solution you can't say you "love him" he gives you nothing and he takes all.. You just want love and to be in a relationship and your a career orientated person...

Realise that once you cut the strings you will have time for yourself, money to book a Hotel room one night for that bath with candles and a few wines, you will be able to re-connect to old friends and current more and you will find someone else.

CW

I know i made a mistake getting him all of those things. However I wanted to try to help him. I felt he was just going through some bad times. I felt he was angry at himself and I wanted to show him there was more to life then his disappointing life.

He lived in a bad neighborhood. Went through a bad breakup with an ex...was never the same after that...He met me and said he felt complete and I felt I had everything I needed in life....a successful job, money, a home, a car...and he was struggling. I felt a bit of my hard earned work could dig him out of his hole and lift some of the burden off his everyday life....to then eventually be worry free and happy with me. I know he was stressed about all his mess he had.

Oh i forgot to mention..he has a 12 year old son too...who I adore...so he has to pay a child support payment every month...this month will probably be the first he won't be paying it...because he's broke...and I am refusing to write any more checks. He'd give me the money and I'd write the checks for him...I told him last time to get a money order...or a checking account...neither of which he did.

I blame myself really...and you are right and your post really brought tears to my eyes for a few reasons...1 for realizing who I lost which is myself and 2 for putting so much effort towards someone that I still probably will never forget even after all the bad times.

I don't even have a single picture of us together. I look at other couples and they do all these things together...it makes me sad because I just don't get why we aren't that way.

All of this advice is great though and really helping...I do appreciate all of it and that everyone is reading my thoughts...too often no one even listens to me!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-25-2009 04:17 PM

Sweet, crying is good for you

I am a career orientated person myself, have been all my life and pretty much did the same thing, that being that I met someone who had "baggage" issues, with women and like you I thought I could change him, make him realise not all women were like that, users.

Well, tables turned, I became more successful, he became emotionally abusive, refused to work claiming back injuries, was out on his motorbike that I bought (for two to ride), which he traded in for a better "solo" one and was never home... Never touched housework, garbage bins, fed the animals, watered the lawn, whilst I worked 24/7 and did all that as well.

Was I wrong for giving so much in hope? Friggen yes.

Where am I now?

Separated, finalising the Divorce where he keeps his house which we renovated, he keeps the renovations that I spent $70k, the bike, I keep the "new" house I bought after I left and he gets 20% of my Commercial Property that I pay off, because his name is on it..

Fair?

No..

So, good points? I laugh, I still have all that love, I am wary of free loaders, I probably won't get married again in-case I lose all that I am working for now, but I have magical friends and I have dated, and will continue to until "someone walks in my life" I won't search but I go out and have fun and I am so happy...

We do things because we "think" we can change someone, we can't.

We settle because they say "words" that we want to hear at the beginning.

We give, because we are givers and it's only money...

Well, I'm here to say I've grown so much in 3 years, I won't settle, I don't give "money" but I still give, love and I see the writing on the wall now and I've travelled and am travelling just local In-terstate on my own and it's wicked..

I'm living for me, let him walk in my life.

It's awesome.

Understand?

CW

**moonisis** · 10-25-2009 04:34 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Sweet, crying is good for you

I am a career orientated person myself, have been all my life and pretty much did the same thing, that being that I met someone who had "baggage" issues, with women and like you I thought I could change him, make him realise not all women were like that, users.

Well, tables turned, I became more successful, he became emotionally abusive, refused to work claiming back injuries, was out on his motorbike that I bought (for two to ride), which he traded in for a better "solo" one and was never home... Never touched housework, garbage bins, fed the animals, watered the lawn, whilst I worked 24/7 and did all that as well.

Was I wrong for giving so much in hope? Friggen yes.

Where am I now?

Separated, finalising the Divorce where he keeps his house which we renovated, he keeps the renovations that I spent $70k, the bike, I keep the "new" house I bought after I left and he gets 20% of my Commercial Property that I pay off, because his name is on it..

Fair?

No..

So, good points? I laugh, I still have all that love, I am wary of free loaders, I probably won't get married again in-case I lose all that I am working for now, but I have magical friends and I have dated, and will continue to until "someone walks in my life" I won't search but I go out and have fun and I am so happy...

We do things because we "think" we can change someone, we can't.

We settle because they say "words" that we want to hear at the beginning.

We give, because we are givers and it's only money...

Well, I'm here to say I've grown so much in 3 years, I won't settle, I don't give "money" but I still give, love and I see the writing on the wall now and I've travelled and am travelling just local In-terstate on my own and it's wicked..

I'm living for me, let him walk in my life.

It's awesome.

Understand?

CW

Wow...that sounds like exactly what's happening to me. I kind of didn't want to change him but wanted him to see that meeting someone like me was what he needed. He dealt with the short end of the stick for a while too, and I understood that. Maybe I felt I could give him what I felt he needed...which was some security, love and friendship to get back on his feet. I guess I in the end got the short end of the stick!

It's really hard but I don't think I'd ever trust anyone again. Many times I feel like he's lecturing me like he's my father, telling me all men are bad and that men who don't question things are just "gullible" and don't care and are doing things behind your back. I don't think that's true and I don't need someone to think for me or feel for me. I have my own heart and brain, that is pretty much shattered at this point.

I am glad you are doing better yourself and are finally living life. I feel I've forgotten what that feels like and do crave it every day. I wanted to share those things with him, but he'd rather think about himself...which just makes me think "what am i doing?".

The good qualities about him are what I loved...i know he'd never cheat on me, he is a kind hearted person and is funny, but those things don't pay the bills or keep you feeling 100% secure. Not once when I would be bawling my eyes out did he ever come up to me, hug me, say I'm so so sorry and tell me it will be ok. I never get comfort to live another day. I just keep barely getting by on what energy i have left.

I've contacted 2 people who did respond to my business posting for sale. I posted it for sale for a few days about a month ago during a fight when he told me to sell it. I got some contacts so I'm reaching out to them to see if they are still interested. Funny is customers who he tattoos did see it and thought we were closing...I had to sit there and act dumb....lol...

After reading all the replies, I just don't understand what goes on in someones mind to not see a gem, a kind hearted person who would be a good mate....but instead to use them and take advantage of them and break their spirit. These people won't ever really know what love is.

I know I'll go to heaven though...and I did believe in karma...I was always a kind hearted person...but this time Karma got me...

I regret a bit for everything I have done out of kindness, but I know it's only a lesson learned. I only give to those I truly love...and all i can say is that I did what any good hearted woman would do for their man in a time of need. I was there for him.....but he did nothing to repair himself when I gave him a boost. That is what I regret is giving someone a chance who really didn't deserve it.

**WildChild** · 10-25-2009 04:34 PM

CW you are inspiring!

**moonisis** · 10-25-2009 04:38 PM

She is! All of this is so helpful. I just need to stay focused. I have to tell myself 10x a day "it's not worth it"

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-25-2009 04:51 PM

The key as we all know is to take the time out for ourselves, never lose faith and understand that people are all individual...

If we know who they are, their nature, their beliefs then that is who they are.. Nothing we can do will in-fact change that, they can only change themselves, we need to just smile in the knowing... You can feel sorry for someone but again, understand that that is their cards they have been dealt with in life and accept those cards but it doesn't mean you have to join them to then become like them, down, depressed, out, lost, loosing...

I have learn't over the years that you only associate with positive people... Because it can only keep lifting you.

If you associate with negative people, you tend to follow their ways and add traits of theirs into your own persona, this is where your in-security comes into it, you start believing that it's you, when it never was.

I don't know what else to say to you other than, my GrandMother taught me to always love, continue to love, never stop being a giver.

For each time I give, I get back evenutally 10 fold..

But, this you can't associate with money.. The more you give in this department the more that will be taken...

Giving is, giving with your heart, and giving love. If it's not given back, then think "negative" time to move on...

You have to remain positive in life, when I said I wouldn't get married again, I didn't say I have given up on men.. Not at all. But, I will ascertain their core beliefs in life, their dreams, their goals, their passions and if they have all of those, I'll give them a go..

It's the passion - that creates passion in the bedroom.
It's the goals and dreams, that creates inspiration and laughter and hard work.
It's the core beliefs that create communication and therefore, resolution.

Would this be a positive person in life?

I would think so.

So, just steer clear of "negative" understand their problems and situations and smile that is who they are but always steer clear of negative... this includes obviously "people"...

That's my beilefs.

WC that was really nice of you thankyou.

**WildChild** · 10-25-2009 04:53 PM

You know we are here to learn and grow and that means not only are we getting lessons to learn but we are part of other people's growth. In his case it sound like he needs good dose of boot-in-the-rear to facilitate his growth.

This always seems to be a challenge for those of us who have been hurt and have empathy and are loving, giving people. We feel others' pain and want to help them heal. Unfortunately we often get hurt in the process because they aren't where they need mentally and emotionally to be to do it. No amount of love and caring can make them, they have to do the work, have the realization and reach the level of awareness needed to move forward. It's hard when you care for someone and they are just stuck.

I'm dealing with it, he's not completely stuck and is fairly aware, which is why I haven't walked yet. But it's been painful. You may need to think of this as tough love. But do protect yourself psychically and physically. He sounds like an emotional vampire - he's feeding off you like a parasite. This isn't good for either of you. If you wanted just a gigiolo you would at least expect him to be attentive and suave.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-25-2009 04:59 PM

If you wanted just a gigiolo you would at least expect him to be attentive and suave.

Can't resist, LMAO.

Well yeah, you would think that they'd at least step up in the bedroom to make you somewhat happy so that you keep spending your money on them geez.....

**moonisis** · 10-25-2009 05:00 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Sweet, crying is good for you

I am a career orientated person myself, have been all my life and pretty much did the same thing, that being that I met someone who had "baggage" issues, with women and like you I thought I could change him, make him realise not all women were like that, users.

Well, tables turned, I became more successful, he became emotionally abusive, refused to work claiming back injuries, was out on his motorbike that I bought (for two to ride), which he traded in for a better "solo" one and was never home... Never touched housework, garbage bins, fed the animals, watered the lawn, whilst I worked 24/7 and did all that as well.

Was I wrong for giving so much in hope? Friggen yes.

Where am I now?

Separated, finalising the Divorce where he keeps his house which we renovated, he keeps the renovations that I spent $70k, the bike, I keep the "new" house I bought after I left and he gets 20% of my Commercial Property that I pay off, because his name is on it..

Fair?

No..

So, good points? I laugh, I still have all that love, I am wary of free loaders, I probably won't get married again in-case I lose all that I am working for now, but I have magical friends and I have dated, and will continue to until "someone walks in my life" I won't search but I go out and have fun and I am so happy...

We do things because we "think" we can change someone, we can't.

We settle because they say "words" that we want to hear at the beginning.

We give, because we are givers and it's only money...

Well, I'm here to say I've grown so much in 3 years, I won't settle, I don't give "money" but I still give, love and I see the writing on the wall now and I've travelled and am travelling just local In-terstate on my own and it's wicked..

I'm living for me, let him walk in my life.

It's awesome.

Understand?

CW

Originally Posted by WildChild

You know we are here to learn and grow and that means not only are we getting lessons to learn but we are part of other people's growth. In his case it sound like he needs good dose of boot-in-the-rear to facilitate his growth.

This always seems to be a challenge for those of us who have been hurt and have empathy and are loving, giving people. We feel others' pain and want to help them heal. Unfortunately we often get hurt in the process because they aren't where they need mentally and emotionally to be to do it. No amount of love and caring can make them, they have to do the work, have the realization and reach the level of awareness needed to move forward. It's hard when you care for someone and they are just stuck.

I'm dealing with it, he's not completely stuck and is fairly aware, which is why I haven't walked yet. But it's been painful. You may need to think of this as tough love. But do protect yourself psychically and physically. He sounds like an emotional vampire - he's feeding off you like a parasite. This isn't good for either of you. If you wanted just a gigiolo you would at least expect him to be attentive and suave.

I have felt like he was a virus before and I told him that. I did give him a boot in the butt, and in the crotch for mouthing off to me and saying some not so nice things to me.

I have explained all of this to him and his response is he works 6 days a week. He's supposed to be at the shop at noon. He showed up at like 1:00pm or 1:30. he takes off early or closes early whenever he feels like and then goes to the bar. He farts around all day when it's not busy. He claims he has such a hard job...but it's a job I got for him that he could be working harder at...which is being the manager and running the shop..not just showing up while I do all the accounting, marketing, stocking of supplies, ordering of equipment, opening of letters, etc.

You all have really valid points and I'm grateful for such support which I need. I have been expressing to him how my friends were all ruined because of him..and even some family relationships now. He tells me I can go out with these "friends" but the relationships are gone now...it's been too long...and everyone knows I'm still with that "psycho guy". And believe me he'd probably still have something to say after saying my friends are "ok" in his book. <shakes head>

Thread: Having trouble dropping the leash

LinkBack

Thread Tools

Search Thread

Display

Similar Threads

Having trouble 'getting it up'

Baby's head dropping into the pelvis

Bookmarks

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions