moonisis

I just happened to stumble across this community online while searching for anything to help my state of mind. I welcome all opinions, but I think I know what they are going to be.

Been with my boyfriend for about 2 1/2 years. He "moved in" to my house about 3 months after we officially started being a couple. He was at his mom's house and they just kind of took over his room and all the sudden he was living with me and he never went back home. I didn't mind, but he wasn't helping out w/ the bills at the time because he was unemployed. I kind of didn't like that, but let it go.

He is a jealous person and says he knows guys and how they think. for this reason he had a hard time with my friends and just general acquaintances because many were men. I work in a male dominated industry and also was in a few bands so I was generally around males. Many of these guys were people I grew up with and trusted. And believe me, I knew which ones were good and which ones to stay away from. I also in now way was "around the block" if you know what I mean. I'm just not like that. Those friends were like my family as I really don't have any. they protected me...brought me up when I was down, and would offer a couch to sleep on if I needed somewhere to get away.

Early on it was a lot of me screaming and crying sayng "i didn't do anything" when I would be accused of things for having a few guy friends. I felt that he just wasn't used to this and it would change. Sadly, I did give up a few of them for him because I thought maybe part of being in a serious relationship was "clipping my wings" so to speak.

Fast forward a bit and he got a tattoo job eventaully. The job eventually died as well and eventually I had an opportunity to obtain a tattoo business in my hands. The owner of the shop where he worked jumped ship. Considering I really didn't' have to put much money towards it, I took a shot at it. I now own a business along with working a full time job, managing a house, managing his life for the most part and pretty much keeping busy. I've been doing this for over a year and I'm starting to think this isn't what I want my life to be.

However the problems with all of this is I'm still paying for EVERYTHING. He's always broke. He won't get a part time job to guarantee income because with tattoos, you only get paid when you tattoo. If it slows down, you're going to be broke. He argues with me about this. Meanwhile he's at a bar spending money. Oh but wait, he says he doesn't pay for beers! I really doubt that.

In this relationship so far, I've paid off all his debt, I bought him a used car when his died, I paid for a huge dental bill when he had an infection (he lost all front teeth and had to get a denture...because of carelessness!), I bought him x mas gifts, b day gifts, I pretty much pay for everything. He never got me anything for x mas for 2 years now. Nothing for my B day either. I had to practically beg for a valentines day gift. Does this sound right? I mean even a pack of gum would make me happy. Just to know I was thought about enough to make you get something that would put a smile on my face is what I'm looking for. If he had no money for flowers, picking some from outside is even more thoughtful.

I've been doing this too long. I've talked to him time and time again about how to fix this...and that the longer it goes on, the more and more i fall into despair and say this isn't worth it. he gives me excuses, tries to pin it on me like "now what are you mad at"...all while he goes out every other night w/ his buddies at the bar and leaves me home alone after I cooked a meal for him...and ended up eating...alone...again.

He says now he has to socialize at the bar because he's a tattoo artist. Which comes first though? Your girl is at home, cooked you a steak dinner, does all the work, manages your tattoo shop, a house, I mean come on?

I argue we never do anything. He knows how stressed i am but never offers to take me out....even just for a walk...or an ice cream. I walk around crying all the time...and i get no comfort at all. I'm burnt out, stressed out...and his solution to this is to try and manipulate me.

We got in a bad fight again over the weekend and he threw a table at my wall. I now have another hole to patch. He says he's going to leave, packs up everything, but then never does. I even called his mom to get him..and he calls her and tells her not to come.

I just don't see this working out. I even called the cops and get this: they asked ME IF I had somewhere I could go? he tried to claim he lives there! He's not on the lease, he doesn't get his mail at my house and doesn't pay a bill there. Everything is in my name and the cops did nothing. They told me I have to get him evicted! I talked to my landlord and he said if I wanted him out to call him and he'd tell him he has to leave.

I've tried over and over to talk to him about this stuff but to me, he gives off the vibe as if I'm nagging him. In a way I am, but he's not motivated to change anything in his life to better our relationship. I have no life any more, no friends, nothing. He goes out all the time, doesn't help wtih anything, and I'm left with all the work.

I'd have to sell my business first secretly and then have him removed. This is all so stressful. I really am at a loss for words sometimes...I love him so much but I feel he doesn't show the same about me. Oh and sex? forget that...we don't even do that any more. that also bugs me because that makes me feel loved. I asked about that and he says he doesn't like to make moves because he feels like a dirtbag doing that...so again..i am left to do everything.

Any advice on this? I'm kind of moving towards the "time to move on" answer for real this time...I just need support to do it this time. I've been told this for over a year but i didn't loose hope...sadly i am at this time though.

sorry if it was long!

WildChild

You know the answer. You know what you need to do. He is a freeloader. Why would you have to sell the business secretly? Check into the laws in your state, in mine I could evict you for having someone who isn't on the lease living there but to get even and adult child to move out of my home would have to give them a 30 day notice to vacate.

You aren't his mother. Tell him good bye.

__________________
We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

moonisis

Thanks Wildchild. I have said this time and time again he needs to be a man and grow up about this stuff. I would want to sell the business because I don't want anything to deal with it. Also, I'd have to do it secretly because if I say I am selling it and put it up for sale, he will manipulate everyone who works there to leave and I'll be stuck with all the bills, clean up or possibly paying out of my pocket. I'd rather have it sold if possible, have a new lease drawn up w/ new owner, and tell him to get his tattoo stuff from the shop while there are people there. he has a key. I am afraid he'd go in there and destroy things if I just say "I'm done". I think he would.

The other option is to say it's closing and sell off all the equipment individually, which I'd rather not do as selling it as a turnkey business is quicker and more profitable. I'd get back all my money i wasted on him in 2 years.

I have told him I felt he's using me time and time again. he always says things are about money and tells me that I'm like my mom...."you're like her..she has so much money but still complains about not having enough". That's actually not true. I also say that he maybe would understand how I feel if he had more to contribute.

If i tell him these things he says "you better not be telling me you're saying I'm a user..cause if you are it's over"...uh huh....and he never leaves. The last excuse I got was his rear view mirror fell off his car..which it did..and he can't drive. Last time it was it was raining. I mean I feel trapped....I can't get any peace.

moonisis

I am a very successful woman and I work hard. I don't feel he deserves my generous nature because I feel he's taken advantage of it.

sperosi

he is poison and you don't need someone like him in your life. you know what to do.

WildChild

If you time it out right you could do it all in one sweep, one day. Get a deal in place to sell the business, that will require paperwork and an attorney to run through things so you can set a specific date for the sale to go through. The evening before, after closing, have the locks changed, so you can hand the new owner keys to their brand new locks. Then in the morning after opening you could tell loser to pack it out and introduce the new owner(unless the new owner wants to keep the guy around, that would be up to them).

Then tell loser that he needs to be out of your house ASAP. You will have checked the laws and given any notice required, if you can have a sheriff or other law officer present while he vacates it might be a good idea. Change the locks immediately after. If getting him out looks too complicated you may have to give notice and move and let the owner deal with him as a squatter.

Might the police have asked if you had a place to go for safety reasons? At any rate I would have conversation with the police chief. If you need to call them again they need to clear about who holds the lease.

__________________
We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

moonisis

Well I actually have a lock on the door where you don't replace the lock, you only replace the key! It actually creates a new pattern in the lock and a single key...so then all you have to do is get new copies of the key...

That does sound like a decent plan though...

WildChild

Ah a Smart Lock. Have to admit I'm not comfy with those yet. I get out my rekey kit and pull them apart...LOL I'm resisting change.

You might want to do a good purification and smudging with an intension to keep anyone who isn't a positive force in your life out.

__________________
We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

moonisis

I would if I could get some time to myself and stop worrying! It's funny you say that because I am a very spiritual person, and I feel I'm way off my path and have been going further off it. I'm a very goal oriented person and I threw all my goals aside because I put my heart and soul into this relationship and this business. I really think a good part of my problem as well is I'm socially desensitized. My job requires me to work 12 1/2 hour shifts in a room in front of computer screens all day with no social interaction. When I come home, at times my man isn't home...he's out socializing. He'll call me and say he's coming home, but at 11:30pm, I go to sleep knowing I'll get the call at like 1:30 or 2am that he's drunk or needs a ride, at which I refuse. Then I get woken up again when he comes in because he's all "happy drunk" and wants to snuggle. Lost sleep and disturbed sleep + loneliness and no social interaction what so ever all day = I'm miserable. Last time I went out to the bar w/ him, he got mad that I was talking to his buddies who he rant and raves about and actually caused a scene and left, saying I was "talking about how much he makes" to his buddy. I called him out and said it's , and didn't leave the bar....I finished my beer, my conversation (which was very uplifting as someone was giving me encouragement) and then had to have a fight with him later about it. I mean it's ridiculous.

I thought about doing some meditation at some point. I'd really love to take a long hot bath, but i have a stall shower and no bathtub as my house is tiny. I realllyyyyy would love to just go on a vacation by myself but that's not happening either. If i say "i need some space" he doesn't take that lightly and doesn't understand. I don't have any family close by at all and no real friends to just visit and say "can i room here for 3 days". arg.....

moonisis

I also wanted to add this is so hard for me because this was the first guy I actually liked. My last 2 relationships (one of 4 years the other 2 years) I wasn't really super attracted to the men, but I took a chance and learned to love them for who they are. Eventually they showed me who they were...both cheated on me and fed me lies. One cheated when my mom had cancer and i refused to go to their house and stayed with my mom for 3 weeks because she was very ill. Did he come to see my mom? no. Did he care about me? No because he cared more about cheating I guess. Very hurtful. Oh yeah..and did I mention boozing too much and being inconsiderate to me in public places? Seems booze ruins a lot of relationships.

I met this man I'm with now and for once thought I found someone like me..someone into rock music, funny, cute...had a big family..etc...eventually you learn everyones true colors and hey, you win some you loose some..I still tried not to judge but over time, it becomes overbearing when you're so higher up on the scale then they are.

I think I need someone more goal oriented...more responsible and someone successful. And of course someone fun oriented who can act silly and goofy and doesn't get jealous of a group of people all just having fun! Someone who will let me be me knowing I'm theres and no one will ever take me away from them.

I thought this was this man, but again over time they get comfortable and then try to just take everything they once loved about you away for some reason. These are things that your friends love about you but now that he's with you, he tries to tell you they aren't your friends? It's just not fair.

I'm 29 btw...and he's 33.