manon

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years, living together for two of them. We've had epic fights that we worked through together, typically these were caused by mood swings caused by my then-undiagnosed seasonal depression.

Lately, we've been having ridiculous arguments like: he gets up before me (like 5:30 - 6:30 am on weekends) and has no qualms about turning the tv on in the bedroom, or turning lights on to sort our dirty laundry. I'll ask him to be considerate of the fact I don't go to bed as early as he does and I'd appreciate it if he'd let me sleep without doing things like turning on tv/lights/etc which I think are inconsiderate. Keep in mind the latest I sleep in is 9:30 - so I'm not sleeping til 2 or 3 in the afternoon.

He'll freak on me for calling him inconsiderate, which isn't what I said but it's what he heard so that's now the issue at hand and I'm the bad guy for saying it's inconsiderate of him to sort our laundry, that he's apparently an inconsiderate guy and would I like it better if he just sat around and did nothing. Oh, and should he just sit around all day while I get my sleep?

What a frickin' tangent! but that's what happens, replace the nouns with anything and if I say ONE WORD that can be constrewed as negatively describing a person and it's WWIII. It's getting sickening, quite frankly, and I'm being to think "what a moron" which then kills me inside because this is a guy with whom I've been through A LOT - depression, a miscarriage, etc. And he's a good guy, a really good, decent person who would do almost anything for me - except listen to my complete sentences, that is!

I don't know what to do, how to approach this with him - everything I say gets taken as an attack on him and all I try to accomplish is a mature, calm discussion. Help?!?

GlitterAndStuds

Maybe you need to just approach him with some sort of compromise, if he'll hear it. Do you know why he limits himself to doing everything in the bedroom? I'm sure you guys have lights and a TV in the living room... You could ask that he does his stuff there until you're awake. That way he's not sitting around, and he's not disturbing you.

I would never advise anyone to walk on eggshells for someone else, but if you go to him with this (or anything else), start it out a different way. Something like "Please don't take this the wrong way, but...", to that effect.

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WildChild

Have tried sitting down and having a talk, TV, music, everything - off, when you're not in the middle of the situation? Instead of when he has rudely awoken you?
Then you should both be able to stay calm and make some rational agreement. If you can't, what is in the past is immaterial, this is what the future will continue to be.

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CHANDLERS WISH

It is all in the words you speak.

A negative word will be the only word heard, when someone is expecting it and I suspect, he "expects" an arguement so in preperation mentally when you use your "sentences" he attaches to "one word".

Change your thought pattern and therefore, the way in which you put those sentances so that there is no negative word in it for him to attach his immediate thought to.

ie) "Turn the TV off and get your butt in bed, I want sex, then more sleep".... that will get him..


CW

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Beautiful Disaster

When people live together....especially when their relationship isn't quite at the point where they need to, I think they often grow resentful of each other in the ways in which they're different. For instance, if he's an early riser and you're a late sleeper (neither one being right or wrong) if you all lived apart that would cause no problem, but because you live together he's in a sense resentful because "ugh she's lazily sleeping in while I do all the work!", and you're resentful because he's being inconsiderate and waking you. Jumping on your every word is a way of distracting the truth of what you've said. Is he an inconsiderate person? Probably not. Did he behave in an inconsiderate way when he decided to turn on lights and tv while you slept? Absolutely.

Does he go to bed before you? Do you parade through the bedroom at night when he's sleeping, turning on lights and tv?

I think you need to talk with him at a time when this isn't going on. It's as if he thinks he should be able to live his life in a way he would if you weren't there. The beauty of living alone is privacy, independence, the ability to get up at 5am and do laundry if you want to, the ability to sleep until 9 if you want to. But living together, this requires communication and compromise.