open relationship/ advice

**jnd2009** · 10-30-2009 02:52 PM

Hey I'm new here. I mainly signed up for some input. Any advice is appreciated on my odd situation...

For starters, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. We live together, I love him, he's very supportive of me (I'm in college, lots of stress), and yes, the sex is great. If he asked me to marry him I'd say yes.
Although I've had a few partners before him, I was his first. This past spring it randomly came up about having sex with other people. Yes, he was drunk, but we have good conversations and I get information about his feelings out then since he doesn't show a lot of emotion. Anyways, we went on 2 seperate vacation trips over the summer, and texted a lot about it then, with more details. I'm a 'I want to know everything' type of person, so him having sex with some random girl that I won't know bothers me a little bit (std's etc). My best friend was an option, and I am all for it. I know who she's been with and feel totally comfortable with them together. She said maybe at first, now does not seem interested. So overall I don't know who he'd have sex with.
Well here's my main problem- I worked with a guy for a year and a half where I work now (he quit over the summer). We always flirted jokingly, and I never took it seriously, although I was curious about him. He is also married.

I will finish later- I have to go to work- but any advice so far would be great. I'll answer any ?'s you have too....

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 10-30-2009 04:56 PM

Firstly, you may not have finished that last paragraph but I am going to say, finish that thought in your mind right now

You do not want to mess with a marriage man, flirting is flirting, that's as far as you take it... There are too many problems emotionally, and other people's lives involved.

Secondly, I'm thinking the fact that your bought that up, are you actually wanting to let your boyfriend experience another woman, so that you then, can experience another man? There seems to be a motive here

Lastly, never with a friend irrespective, your friendship will be ruined as you can visualise her, with your man.. It's over.

STD's? Condoms.

Do you think your relationship will pass the test of time, with you both running of with other people for a glimps of sexual satisfaction with someone else? Or, the reality of one falling for the other as it won't be a one night stand and then your relationship ending?

Or, do you put rules in place? Can not be anyone you know and can not be more than once only with that person... and, will that work?

Another words ,have you actually really both thought this through properly?

CW

**acerousme** · 10-30-2009 06:29 PM

Thank you CW...

I was going to scream NO MARRIED MEN...

Thats the cardinal rule amongst us women folk

-"Do not ever, under ANY circumstances touch another womans man...unless she is there participating, even then step lightly"
lol

yeahh...I need more info.

**kms** · 10-30-2009 10:54 PM

Yeah I would say that in order to be in an open relationship, you might want to be sure that the person you're doing it with is either single or in an open relationship as well. It would get far too messy if the other person is sneaking around behind their partner's back, and their relationship being destroyed because of you. Even if it wasn't anything serious in your mind.

**dr.mansview** · 10-30-2009 11:17 PM

For starters, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. We live together, I love him, he's very supportive of me (I'm in college, lots of stress), and yes, the sex is great. If he asked me to marry him I'd say yes.

why are you trying to set him up with a girl friend? obviously you are looking for extra curricular activity your self..the above statement of yours does not jibe with the rest of the story

**jnd2009** · 11-04-2009 02:16 PM

so sorry I didn't get back on sooner than planned. long weekend.....
...anyways
The open relationship idea between my boyfriend and I has not been thoroughly established. The main problem is we cannot agree on details of who it would be with, and how it would happen. He would rather me be around during his 'action' (not going to happen, I'd get jealous/think it's weird), and he at least wants to know who I get with (I was raped when I was 16 by someone I knew), so he says he's concerned about my safety.
The original idea was his. He, as far as I know, has no specific person in mind. Yes, I didn't care for the idea, until the whole thing with this guy at work got stronger (no feelings, just flirting)

So to answer some of the input-- (and sorry if I repeated anything I already wrote)

As far as him being married, the guy and I both have talked about it, and he knows the situation mostly too. We both are on the same level as it's only fun sex, nothing more. I have no feelings for him at all, other than remaining friends. I do not see myself ever dating him.

Yes, it started as my boyfriend wanting this, but since then I actually took it more seriously.

The best we came up with (my bf and I), are a 'one person, one time' thing. So we can each get what we want and be done with it. We gave each other "permission", as long as it was my best friend. If he chooses someone else we'd may have to change it. As far as I know they have not done anything.
We've been together since I was 17, he was 20. He's also told me that if he doesn't do it now he may want to down the road- with or without telling me (with any girl). He also said with the experience of someone else, we can bring new tips to the bedroom and how he can please me better (which he is perfectly fine in that department).

As far as my best friend, every person has told me that- that our friendship and possibly our relationship would be ruined. Maybe I'm hard-headed, but I really honestly don't see that.
Yes, my best friend is single. The guy who's married, he said with his wife there's no chance of her in an open relationship. From talking to him, they rarely have sex. He "loves her to death", but when asked, he says he has no idea why he's married.

I don't necessarily know how to handle this situation I guess you could say. Basically because my end of the situation has already happened, and my boyfriend's is still more of an idea. I have mixed feelings about it because I have no intentions of leaving my boyfriend, but with this other guy it's just sex. That's it. It means nothing other than fun.

I think I've covered most of it... anymore questions feel free to ask. I can't exactly talk to friends about this, so any input is appreciated. I apologize if anything was confusing too. Lastly, sorry if I've stepped on anyone's toes, especially on the 'he's married' factor.

**KMonte85** · 11-04-2009 02:33 PM

Originally Posted by jnd2009

As far as him being married, the guy and I both have talked about it, and he knows the situation mostly too. We both are on the same level as it's only fun sex, nothing more. I have no feelings for him at all, other than remaining friends. I do not see myself ever dating him.

So this might be just sex to you and the married guy, but I would be willing to bet HIS WIFE would not see it that way. If he wanted out of that marriage, he would get out. He's looking for an easy outlet and has his sight set on you. Think of how his wife (who probably is not in cahoots w/ open relationships) would feel if she knew what was going on. Not cool.

As for the open relationship with the boyfriend, each of you finding someone to learn and play with - it still doesn't sound like you or he are COMPLETELY ready to take that step. You need to be 100% on the same page about who/what/where/when/why/how it all will happen. If you don't do the homework ahead of time, someone will get hurt and that will be the end of the relationship!

And please be careful - condoms all the way, all the time, every time! STDs are no joke.

**heatherkazek** · 11-04-2009 03:06 PM

I have only this to say....if someone my husband was working with even flirted with him ONE TIME and I got wind of it.....she wants to have a GREAT pair of running shoes on because when I catch her she is going to be in much worse shape.

I do not nor will I ever understand these married men that cry "Im in a loveless relationship" or "yeah the wife and I do not have sex anymore"....FREAKING WAHWAH WAHWAH WAH if that is the case then get a ed divorce wussy!!!

To the women that get involved with those married men..you will receive your dues!!

Someone said earlier on what about the wifes feelings?? Are you taking those into consideration or just going by what her loving husband is telling you?? Better yet why dont you go to her and ask her?? Im sure she will have a totally different answer for you than what her devoted husband is telling you.....

That's all there is to that.

**jnd2009** · 11-04-2009 04:13 PM

About his relationship with his wife- I just figured I'd throw that out there for background information. I'm not justifying him in anyway being with me in that way. As I said we have been friends for almost 2 years, so we talked as friends about everything, including relationships. Kmonte I think you're right about my boyfriend and I not really being ready for an open relationship.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-04-2009 04:27 PM

You weren't really into the idea at all, until he opened your "mind" and you flirted, then you thought about it.

Personally? I think you will regret every second of it and it will break your relationship up because you've even made the choice for him of who, so in your mind that would be alright, and then who you will go with, so that's alright.

Here's what will happen.

You are hard headed

Your girlfriend will feel weird and not be able to talk to you the way she used to, eventually dwindling your friendship. You will get jealous, you just don't think you will because she's a friend.... And, you will feel awkward with your husband after, knowing he had that inside another woman, and your friend at that.

Your then thinking of YOU, not this man's wife, so he doesn't have sex enough with her? You replace that for him, he's going to want more and more and more, one person "ALWAYS", ends up with an emotional attachment and if not, they end up with a "POSSESSIVE" attachment and don't want it to end.... and then the wife gets suspicious and trouble arises, and a break up can occur.

Look, truthfully? The only way something like this works is if "TWO" people are open minded, "TWO" people want and desire this 100%, not 80%, not 90% and never with people they know and morally, never with someone else that's attached "UNLESS" they go to a swingers club and swap partners with equally open minded people that do this all the time, people you both "DON'T KNOW" and will never see again, or will see as partner swapping, from time to time.

Other than that, your about to end your relationship and someone else's, but you don't want to see that, you think you can handle it and you are being a tad selfish on your choice, as it's not your right to enter someone else's relationship unless all parties are happy with it...

CW

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