kristalyn04

Hi there everyone. I could use some advise and some honest opinions. I have strong feelings for a bisexual guy, he is a very close friend of mine. However, he is in a long-term relationship with another male. Their relationship is somewhat dysfunctional and quite strained; I know he deserves better, but he says he wants to try and make it work. I am his friend so I must respect it and support him, but I also want him to be happy.

To my knowledge, he does not know how I feel about him, though I have tried to drop hints. I can't outright tell him because I don't want to lose him as a friend. I have been trying to figure out if he has feelings for me; I am getting mixed messages from him and it's driving me crazy.

I don't know what to do. Should I wait for his relationship to run its course? Back off to avoid getting hurt? Talk to him about it and risk our friendship? Just wait and see what happens? Any input would be much appreciated. I'll post more details about this if needed. Thanks!

WildChild

It doesn't matter who he is in a relationship with, the same principals apply. Be a freind, leave the rest alone. Ethically it's the only thing you can do.

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KMonte85

I agree with WildChild. You have a great friendship now, don't ruin it! Enjoy it for what it is!

You say you've dropped hints - ever think he's purposely ignoring them so he doesn't have to have "that" talk with you?

He's in a LT relationship, even if its disfunctional, there is something about it that he loves or he would get out. He must be at least somewhat happy with his situation.

If he does leave his boyfriend, it was long-term. Do you really want to sacrifice your friendship to be the rebound?

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When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

CHANDLERS WISH

Apart from the above.

It's my experience, having managed Restaurants and having bi-sexual and gay males as part of my team in most of those 17 years, they warm very much to women.. They are like your "best friend" but even more so as you can talk about everything with them, their mind is capable of thinking feminine and masculine. And, it's therefore, easy to feel so at ease plus they are often good looking as well...

You have to take it for what it is... It's a good, strong friendship.. Most males won't discuss their love life, he will... and so your emotions come into play as well as you see "male"... and want to rescue and show him how love is. Don't fall for that, he purely needs and wants you as a girly friend.

As others have said, in addition he's taken irrespective... Can't have what can't be yours sweet.

CW

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kristalyn04

Thank you for the replies. I have thought about all of this before. I know I don't have the right to get in the middle of his relationship, it's just hard for me to see him so stressed out. He often vents to me about his relationship issues, and I want to ask him why he's putting himself through this, but I always hold my tongue. My feeling is that he's staying in the relationship because he has a big heart and doesn't want to hurt his boyfriend, because he is going through a lot right now. He wants to support him, wants to "save" him, and he says he is willing to wait for him to grow out of the current phase he is in. I honestly don't see this relationship working out long-term, but I'm not sure he has the heart to break it off.

The reason I am confused is because I am getting mixed messages from him. He calls me pet names, frequently makes suggestive comments, and goes out of his way to do nice things for me. He also seems to want to spend more and more time with me lately. I'm wondering if I should back off, because I don't want to get hurt.

If he did break up with his boyfriend, I have a gut feeling that he would definitely make a move, and I would respond. As for being his "rebound", we are both mature individuals, and our friendship is strong enough to work through that. We pretty much already know everything about each other, we share feelings and secrets all the time and we rely on each other for emotional support. It would take a lot more than that to ruin our friendship, I just don't want things to get awkward between us.

I don't believe he is ignoring my signals, he is not like that, I just think he is not picking up on them because he doesn't have much experience with women. I just have a hunch that he does feel something, and I wish I could find out.

Of course I will continue to be a friend to him no matter what happens, I care about him a lot. But, if something should happen between us, what should I do? Back off? Reciprocate? Talk to him? I guess my feelings for him are just too strong to stuff away and forget about it, it's really hard.

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KMonte85

If he were to come on to you, then it would be time for a loooooong discussion about your current relationship, what might be changing about it, and how that should or should not affect your future.

Only you and he can decide if you want to risk the strong friendship you have now for potentially something more. If it doesn't seem right, stay just friends. If it feels right, do it, but remember what you may be sacrificing as well!

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When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

kms

I've been in a slightly similar situation - except I was in your friend's position (and everyone involved was straight). I ignored the other guy's 'hints' and behavior not because I didn't notice them, and not because I wasn't interested either - I was interested. But I was in a committed relationship that had endured many trials with a man who trusted me and loved me deeply. We had our issues and differences that would certainly make an outsider wonder why we stayed together. But, I couldn't respond to the other guy because I had made a choice to be with my SO, and because he deserved that from me. If our relationship were to end, it should be because of the issues within our relationship, not because one of us cheated or found someone better.

Perhaps this is the case with your friend. Perhaps he notices and likes it (since he seems to be responding by being sweet and wanting to spend time with you), but he knows he can't cross certain boundaries or have a real talk with you about everything because he doesn't want to betray his SO.

As for what you should do - be his friend. Be supportive. In my situation, the other guy put his feelings aside and gave me some very wise advice about my relationship - that I should stay in it and give it a chance (don't want to get too detailed but the crux of our relationship issue was concerning lifestyle choices, living arrangements, and moving to a different country). He said that I couldn't make a decision about something that I had no experience in or no idea what it would really be like until I tried it. He put himself aside and told me what was best for ME - not for him. I respected him a great deal for that. What he did even increased my attraction and interest in him, because I knew that if he urged me to do what was best for me in a situation that made him lose what he wanted, then I could certainly trust him to have my best interest at heart in all other things in life too. Plus, if he had encouraged me to cheat or to leave my SO, I would have always felt guilty and knew that our potential relationship would always have a bitter taste to it since it had been gotten by bad means. In fact, a wise person once said, you can't achieve virtue through vice.

So, back to your situation, would you want to be with someone who would leave their SO in rough times to be with someone else who is still 'new' and attractive and when everything is romantic and in the 'honeymoon' stage? All that fades in time, and everyone will inevitably go through rough times. Because if he did that to one person he was committed with, how do you know he wouldn't turn around and do it to you?

kristalyn04

Thank you again everyone for the advise. I have an update on this. You see, I live in the same apartment building as my bisexual friend. I was at his place a couple of nights ago, and we had 2 other guy friends over, just visiting and hanging out. Well, that "hanging out" quickly turned into a game of Truth or Dare, and... well.... let's just say that my friend and I shared a few very intimate moments. It's the farthest I've ever gone for a Truth or Dare game, but let me just point out that we were all sober (I don't drink, ever), and it didn't go as far as actual sex. It was just a game that had no meaning behind it.

So, the next day, my friend and I had a long talk about what had happened that night. It seemed to have bothered me a lot more than him. He said that I was like his best friend, and he was very worried about losing the friendship because of this. I reassured him that it would be ok, and promised him that our friendship would not be affected. We hugged, then he said something that shocked me. He admitted that he likes me, and if he was single, he would have asked me out. My heart was pounding at this point, and I couldn't help but smile. I admitted back my feelings for him, but I respect that he is in a relationship. He said he had suspected that I liked him, and just wanted to clear the air. We talked some more, and came to an agreement that our friendship would not be affected by this. If, however, he is single in the future, I will be the first person to know.

My feelings for him will never go away, but I feel much better now that I know how he feels. I think I can now move forward since we have come to an agreement, and just be a good friend to him, unless and until his relationship runs it course.

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How can you see where you're going if you spend your whole life looking over your shoulder?