Do I Love Her?!?

**Danny Boy** · 11-11-2009 01:00 PM

Hello ladies, I'm back with another emotional problem.
So, I've been together with a girl for about 30 months. We had our ups and downs, even "broke up" a few times and got back together. Now it's been about 5-6 months since we broke up and during this time I had a different girlfriend and now she has somebody of her own. We still talk, trying to be friends, but she wants us to get back together again, and leave the other dude. She claims to love me and I really think she does. But I don't know what to do and more important, I don't know how I feel about her. I know I care about her and miss being with her and spend time together but for some unknown reason that's deeply inside my mind I don't want to get back with her. But it hurts to know that she's with the other guy and I can't stand hearing her talk about him or to him(over the phone). Heck, I can't even stand the thought that he is kissing her and holding her the way I used to. So, my question is...do I really love her? Cause she tells me she loves me and wants me back, I just have to say "I love you too" but I can't. I don't know for sure if I do. Judging by the fact that I miss her and like spending time with her and I hate anyone being close to her I can say I kinda do love her, but then again, why do I feel like this deep inside(wanting to be away from her)? Ok, so here's more details about us...at the beginning of our relationship, she was very...too close to one of my friends(they've been together before me and her) and I was sooooo jealous but they always told me I was paranoid so i had to suppress those feelings and now I can't get them out of my mind. It could be a reason why I don't want her anymore, besides it was me in the first place who broke up with her, in a good moment of our relationship, we didn't have a fight or something. Oh I am so sorry but this story goes so deep and complex and in so many directions that I don't even know what to say anymore, it just hurts so much, I feel that I can't be with her and I can't be without her...and I feel so lonely. What should I do? Go wild and date every girl I meet(it's not my style) or get back with her or stay alone some more...no idea, but I'm afraid of losing her for good. I'm messed up

Thanks for reading if you did and I'm not sure what kind of answer do I expect, I just felt a little better writing this down...I'll get back with more posts.

**KMonte85** · 11-11-2009 01:46 PM

It is hard to gauge by what you have written here... but I think it might be better for you not to get back with this girl and spend some time by yourself trying to figure out what you want and need from a relationship to be happy.

You had a tumultuous relationship with her at best from the very beginning, breaking up several times. You broke it off with her lastly when you were at a highpoint in that relationship. When you were with her, you had jealousy problems, now that you are not with her you are still having jealousy problems.

I think there might be something here that needs to be focused on, which can not happen when you are consumed by a relationship (whether with her or someone else). And it might be best if you cool off your communication with her because I think she is clouding your judgement at a time when you need to be focusing on you.

**prawnprincess** · 11-11-2009 01:52 PM

Listen to your gut instinct. It sounds like you've already figured out that she is not the one for you. Also, her history of "getting too close" to one of your friends and telling you she loves you while she's with another guy raises red flags. It sounds like she wants to make you jealous, and I'm sure this isn't the last time she would do it. It seems that the more time you spend talking with her and second-guessing yourself about her, the more easily you could miss out on meeting an amazing woman who could be the one for you. Try to branch out and do more of the activities you enjoy, and you will become a stronger person and hopefully meet a special woman along the way.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-11-2009 01:58 PM

Agreeing with KMonte's advice. It's amazing how time has a way of working things out. This situation has gotten you very confused and it seems you're being too hard on yourself expecting you should just have all the answers. Do you love her? Time will tell. Does missing her, feeling jealous mean you love her? No, not in the least.

If it were me....I'd move on. I'd cease communication with her. Why? Because her communication with you could very likely be a method of control on her part. She's keeping you on her string.....just in case she decides to end things with the current guy. If she has these deep feelings for you, why is she still with him? Because she doesn't want to be alone perhaps? Why do you think she enjoys making you jealous? Toots her horn, makes her feel good.....so in a sense, you're being used.

Move on...let her become a part of your past. See how she reacts once she's not getting all this attention from you.

**Danny Boy** · 11-11-2009 02:16 PM

Thank you for all the quick replies. Well this is what I wanted to do, end it with her for good, not being just friends, nothing. I actually did this about 2 weeks ago and I didn't call her, text her or any kind of interaction. I kinda felt good, i was starting to feel "free". But then, after about 10 days she startes looking for me again, texting me and writing IMs to me on yahoo. Then it all came back to me...as you say and as I feel, it's best for me to cease interaction with her. This will be tricky because we have some common friends, but not impossible. Also, I'll tell her to cool off, stop looking for me and get on with her life and her dude.
Thanks again for the advice, it seems to fit my ideas so it won't be a problem applying it(I'm saying this because about 2 years ago I went to therapy and my therapist told me that the only way to get rid of my problems(jealousy, her being close to that friend etc) was to break up with her, but I was too in love to listen and look where I ended up...).It seems that she really messed up my head...it's gonna take a while to get her out.
Also, I was wondering if the feeling that I have now is missing "her" or just missing "having someone", cause in the past 3 years, I was alone for like 2-3 months so I'm not used to it...now i know it's not "her" that I'm missing.
Thank you very much, I'll be back after a while, you are really, really helpful.

**Danny Boy** · 11-11-2009 02:19 PM

P.S. : it hurts...me telling her it's the last time she'll hear from me and all that...but i guess i'll be over it soon, hopefully

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-11-2009 02:23 PM

Danny Boy..

Trust your gut instinct, which told you "phew" after you split this time, as the relationship was on and off and not healthy for you.

You don't like being lonely. So, that's called "settling" and half of you is prepared to go through this all over again, knowing it's not exactly what you are after, to avoid being lonely.

You don't have to date 100 women, you just have to know who you are and be patient as there is always another person is there not? We all find another partner, maybe the next one will make you smile all the time.

Isn't that worth waiting for?

CW

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-11-2009 03:31 PM

You don't have to "love her" to date her, dating is figuring it all out... seeing how it goes... etc. I think you are trying to make a life or death decision (future of the relationship life or death) out of whether or not you "love" her. Sometimes love is instant for some, sometimes it takes months or years to develop for others.

If she did nothing to hurt you in the past, and the only problems were the ones you made in your own head, it might be worth giving it a shot and seeing how it goes... whats the worst that can happen? I mean you could get your heartbroken... sounds like you feel that way now already.

The balls in your court... if you want to see her, tell her so, but tell her you can't commit to anything right now except hanging out , dating etc. If she wants you to "love" her in order for you to go back out with her... you would need to stay away obviously. Don't push yourself into anything that doesn't feel right.

Ask yourself if she was poisonous to your over-all well being or if she added to your happiness... was she open to helping you deal with your jealous tendencies or did she try to make it worse and make you suffer?

Think all that over. There are many many people in the world by all means don't think your chance at love has passed in this one woman. But if its you that caused your own heartache (i.e... jealousy, insecurity, etc) and she didn't do anything really wrong... you might want to continue on down the road of being happy with yourself, finding your confidence and security so that when you let someone in... her or someone else... that you are ready to trust, and to love.

**ThexMrs** · 11-11-2009 11:27 PM

Personally, I think when you love someone, you know. If you have to ask, there is definitely not something right there. Stay with your current girlfriend. You obviously know that something isn't right deep inside. You even said it yourself. So really, I think you know the answer.

**Danny Boy** · 11-12-2009 06:48 AM

Well, even though your ideas do not match perfectly, they all say the same thing. Time for me to move on with my life and forget all about her. And "Hopeless Dork", I think it's true, I did cause the hearthache to myself, by myself. It may all be in my head, but still, it is and it doesn't seem to be gettin' out. After I told her we're done, for good now, she texted me that she ended it with her dude, she loves me and she's not asking for anything, just wanted to let me know. Now please tell me it's not just me when I say it's sort of manipulating me with this...

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