Can't stand roommate/friend's problem

**jnd2009** · 11-13-2009 01:38 PM

My boyfriend and a guy friend of ours started renting our house almost 2 years ago. We all made our agreements on quite a few topics. One thing has always been no smoking in the house....and it's not cigarettes, he smokes weed. He stopped for quite some time, only because he was on probation for getting caught elsewhere. He just finished probation maybe a month or 2 ago, and started up again that weekend. Anyways, he's been doing it more and more at home. He will only do it in his room, and he shoves a towel at the bottom of the door so I can't smell it...but I can. It travels across the hall to my room, and I can even smell it downstairs sometimes. Since it's getting cold here, the heat circulates it throughout the house sometimes too. It frustrates me even more that some of his friends come over and bring random people and they all go in his room and do it. I've tried communicating with him in a nice way, hey please don't smoke in the house. I always get an OK, or I know. This past week it has been aggravating me so much I through a cuss word or two in there. I'll either say something in person, yell through the door, or text him. He's gotten to the point where he lies he'll say "I/we're not smoking" or "I don't even have any". It's like he doesn' care and has no respect anymore.
Lastly, I also have a parrot. It's not that strong of a smell that reaches downstairs, but it can cause depression and other issues in parrots. Also, smelly good things like candles and scented sprays are really bad for parrots, actually the #3 thing that kills them. I've used them in moderation, and don't use them directly around him. However, our roommate keeps taking the spray for the bathroom after a #2 (haha) and completely saturates his room, then once again it goes in the hallway, downstairs, etc. It's one thing you're tryin to cover up the smell, it's another when I'm choking on flowery scents downstairs, which could kill my beloved parrot.
I'm asking for help. I have no idea what to do. He obviously doesn't listen, he lies when it's obvious he is. I've tried telling my boyfriend to say something to him, but he looks at it as "please stop so she will shut up about it" , and doesn't take it seriously, probably because I try to keep my cool when I explain it to him but I can't take it anymore.
Sorry this is so long, but any help is appreciated. I feel partially like a prisoner in my own home.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-13-2009 02:13 PM

Sorry this is so long, but any help is appreciated. I feel partially like a prisoner in my own home.

Give him an ultimatum...

I don't believe in lying but white lies can help sometimes

You could say you've just come back from the Doctors, you have Asthma and all particals of smoke is dangerous for your health and he now "has" to go outside to smoke or else you will have no choice but to ask him to look for alternative accomodation as it's your health now your concerned about and have to ensure your safety.

Or simply just tell him he will have to look for alternative accomodation as he's not respecting your wishes and there are two of you that live there, not one and you made it clear from the inset not changed the rules now.

CW

**prawnprincess** · 11-15-2009 09:12 AM

Those kind of people don't usually change. I would suggest kicking him out (with notice, of course). And he should listen to you, too, because you could always call the police. It's just not worth having to deal with a roommate like that, is it? I bet you could find a considerate one to take his place.

**jnd2009** · 11-15-2009 02:12 PM

The main thing is money. The only reason my boyfriend and I started out with a roommate was to afford living on our own. Since I'm in college and barely working, my boyfriend pays my portion of the rent. So they split it 2/3 my bf, 1/3 roommate. I agreed to cook and clean for him (although roommate tries to say something about how I'm supposed to clean, etc, but I tell him he doesn't pay my part of the rent I'm not responsible for his mess). They bring it up in petty arguements here and there. Yes, my boyfriend does still help out when I ask him when it just seems overwhelming. Anyways, we're basically stuck with him till at least March. We're most likely buying a house in the spring, and I brought it up and my bf and I agree the roommate will not move with us. So there's some hope. I have been tryin to think of a white lie myself, I think the asthma may be too extreme, but it's a good start. Any help/advice is still wanted and appreciated! Thanks!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-15-2009 02:17 PM

Then in effect it's your boyfriend's house.. That means that what ever you and him agree upon is fine right? He pays your rent...

So, therefore, the (3rd party) has to agree with your boyfriend's rules as well, as it's his house so tell your boyfriend to stop being such a chicken

Or else your going to have to wait until March, if he's un-comfortable about laying down some rules which from the sounds of it were already laid down but broken without concern for either of you.

This is what your boyfriend is missing, it's not your whining, it's actually the rules that were set from the inset by both of you..

Your boyfriend doesn't smoke?

CW

**KMonte85** · 11-16-2009 09:08 AM

Grrr - these situations irritate me to no end! He agrees to not smoke in the house, and as soon as he's off probation he's toking it up inside without regard for anyone? Roommates are terrible, but I get that they are sometimes a necessary evil.

Do you realize that if he gets picked up again for having weed that you and your BF could be found responsible as well and may get in some serious legal trouble?

Ever think to call the cops or at least threaten to call the cops if you smell that stuff in your house? It's harsh, but probably effective.

**WildChild** · 11-16-2009 09:36 AM

Depending on where you are this could create serious legal issues. Does your area have seizures laws? In some places if an illegal activity is taking place on a property the police can seize the property and contents. Generally this is limited to more serious stuff but... the fact that he has been on probation argues that he has a problem a bit deeper than casual use.

This has been going on for 2 years, had it gotten worse or have you just reached the end of your rope? Reminds me of my more youthful years, my first husband and a relative of his and I shared a place, there was a constant struggle over their dope smoking and other activities, it didn't end the relationship but was a factor. Just an indicator of a lack of caring. I encourage you to work toward ending the financial disparity so your voice has more weight and you have more options.

**jnd2009** · 11-16-2009 10:53 AM

I think I'm going to try to keep my cool and nicely explain to my boyfriend to say something to him. It's gotten to the point where it's like a meal for our roommate- morning noon and night I smell it in the house. I came home from school just now to go upstairs and guess what it smells like! My boyfriend does not smoke. Years ago he did here and there (I voiced my opinion on that). He quit smoking cigarettes over the summer as well- which I definitely let him know how proud I was of him for that.
I do know if it's found in a house all can be responsible. That's the last thing I need, and my boyfriend can lose his job over it too. Therefore bringing in authorities is the last thing I need to deal with. I'm wondering if I should threaten that though. Hmm...
I'm not sure about seizure laws. It has been going on for a while- at one point before his probation it was like this. I did more of complaining to my boyfriend that the roommate about it. Now everytime I know he's doing it I say something to him. Hopefully it will drive him up the wall like he does to me.
Lastly, one question-
Last night I came home and spotted a bong on top of our living room cabinets (almost to the ceiling). It REALLY aggravated me, but I kept my mouth shut. I had the blinds open yesterday, so when it's dark out you can see everything in our living room from about chest-level and up. Guess what was in clear view to the outside world! So I went to bed and thought to myself that if it's there in the morning I'm hiding it (I have early classes). So needless to say I took it. Put it in a bag and hid it for now- so if he went to look for it even in our room he'll never guess where. I don't know if it's his or a friend's but I didn't think it belonged in the living room- in clear site. It's bad enough he does it. So what do you think? Was this wrong on my part? I plan on denying it never catching my eye or knowing anything about it. I don't think he's been downstairs yet to notice. I'd like your opinion, and what should I do with it? I was thinking trash it- although I know they're almost $100 dollars.
Sorry so long!

**KMonte85** · 11-16-2009 11:17 AM

I'm not convinced that hiding his bong is going to do much for your situation.... I mean, its kind of passive aggressive, which hasn't served you well in the past since he seems to ignore your past ways of dealing with him. You now have a perfect opportunity to harp on him again for his foolish and rude behavior. It seems like your need to start taking this into your own hands, and make him feel the pain by becoming what I like to call "MEGA-BIOTCH" Don't let him get away with that stuff in your home! Get on his case every second you can. When you smell weed, open his door and get on his case again.

He's too comfortable with the situation as it is. Make him feel your aggrivation, and then maybe he will either stop or decide to leave on his own.

And BTW, I think threatening him with a phonecall to the cops or his old PO might be a good idea too....

**OhThereYouAre** · 11-16-2009 11:46 AM

To be blunt here...

If you aren't paying *any* of the rent, you don't have much say, if any, in the matter.

So, how to get out of this...
You should explain the type of trouble your boyfriend can get into if the cops were to make a visit to the house....or if one of the people that the roommate smokes with decides they want to steal from you guys.

Have him chew on that.

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