I feel like I'm drifting away from my best friend

**KMonte85** · 11-17-2009 08:34 AM

So Amber and I have been friends since we were about 16, we're now 24. Throughout the years, we have always been great friends, best friends really. We had so much in common, always hung out together, had a great time together, could talk about anything. I introduced her to her now husband, and stood up in their wedding 3 years ago. We've all gotten along great and often took camping vacations together, and spent almost every weekend together.

Problem is, I feel like we're drifting away from each other now. We stayed close even though we went to different colleges, and now that we've both graduated, things have changed. Her life hasn't gone as planned and I think she resents me for the great things that have happened to me recently. I feel like she's trying to compete with me and take me down a peg or two every time we are together, and i HATE that!

She got her BS in Sociology, which is a difficult major to find jobs in in our area. Its even worse because she didn't have a very good GPA and she didn't do any internships because they were unpaid so potential employers are not impressed with her lack of experience. She's unemployed, working odd jobs here and there, and struggling to even be asked in for an interview for any jobs she applies for. Her husband has a steady job in a factory that pays the bills, but doesn't offer a lot of opportunities for promotions. They barely get by paying bills and have had to really REALLY cut back. They also live in Amber's sister-in-law's apartment complex where they get a deal on rent so they can afford it, but unfortunately Amber's in laws are kind of crazy and she's stuck living with all of them in the same building (different apartments). Obviously frustrating. She's been very depressed and basically gave up trying to get jobs, and sits at home all day drinking a case of beer and watching TV. That's it. Her husband comes home and finds the place a mess, and gets frustrated with her because she's stopped looking for jobs altogether and does nothing around their home. Now they are having marital problems.. she's facing a possible divorce from her husband. Horrible, and worst timing EVER right???

I, on the other hand, got my BS in International Business Operations and Finance, and worked at two global companies as a lowly intern for 3 years. I found a great job that I love about 2 months before I graduated through a networking even one of my internship employers hosted. The company has been great to me for the (almost) two years I've been with it. I bought a lovely house this summer at a great price. My boyfriend and I live together at my house, we've been together for 8 years and are still going strong. We're talking about marriage in the future, but neither one of us are in a hurry. We're happy with what we're doing now. I'm not living the dream by any means, but I'm definitely comfortable.

I can tell that Amber is irritated by my situation. She gives my grief for being "handed" my job because of my "connections" at the university I went to. When I bought my house, she came to look at it and had not one good thing to say.. comments like, "uh what an ugly floor" and "OMG, they advertised that as a bedroom? thats no more than a walk in closet" are all I heard. She tells me that Matt and I are doomed because who in their right mind doesnt get married after 8 years (helllllooo we started dating when I was 16.. 2 years of highschool and 4 years of college needed to be under my belt first before I even thought of getting married!). She tells me that I can't cook as well as she can.... She even criticizes my DOG for goodness sake...

I try to be understanding! I encourage her, I take all her calls when she needs to vent about her inlaws or money trouble! I wrote her resume and cover letter for her job hunt, I take her out for a drink when she needs to get out of her apartment. I've never once "rubbed it in her face" that my situation is better than hers right now. I'm TRYING to be a good friend! But I'm getting sooooooo sick of being belittled all the time because I have things that she's struggling to get. When she calls to vent, and I sympathize with her, she feels better and then starts harping on me about how I don't get it because I've never had to struggle. Its like she's making me feel guilty for being successful. It's becoming a one-sided friendship, and I'm finding myself taking less and less of her calls.. I'm not trying to get her out of her house anymore... I'm not calling around to companies for her anymore... I'm pulling away. And I feel like a huge jerk for it!

What can I do to fix this? How do I help her? How do I get over my feelings of resentment towards her for being so lousy to me when I know its just her being down on herself that causes her comments? OMG.. its so frustrating!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-17-2009 09:25 AM

That's a very tormenting, troubling situation to say the least. First off, congratulations in your hard work for it seems to have definitely paid off! And no matter what anyone else is going through, never ever feel bad because you have worked very hard and have to show for it.
My best friend was always "lucky" as I called it. We both worked very hard, had high GPA's, did everything we were suppose to and such. But right as we graduated college, one of her professers who took a liking to her got her networked in to what was a really great out of college job. I, on the other hand, was involved in business organizations on our campus, had a higher GPA than her, worked my absolute tail off, but couldn't find a job. I ended up finding a job 2 weeks after graduation, BUT for that short period of time I felt jealous......jealous of this girl I love dearly and want to see happy and successful.......jealous of my BEST FRIEND. Luckily, for us it passed quickly, and no matter what has happened since then I've remembered back to that and do not let myself feel jealousy like that.

I don't blame you a bit for being tired of Ambers treatment. She's miserable, so she wants to drag you down with her? She's defeating HERSELF! Lots of people get out of college with a degree in what I call "A BS in BS!!", but that doesn't mean they don't find jobs......they just learn to accept the fact that they may not be able to start off exactly where they want to be. Sort of like you did with your internship. You weren't handed the job, you worked for it for several years!

If she's truly a best friend, then I'd say having a heart to heart with her is the best thing. Tell her how her behavior makes you feel and that you truly don't need someone who makes you feel that way in your life. Sometimes as we grow into adults, we change......and sometimes that means moving on from friends we've once had. If talking with her doesn't help, then perhaps this is just who she is. I, personally, would rather create a distance than to have a friend who belittled me. She's jealous......plain and simple. Jealousy has reared it's ugly head......and it may never change. A real friend, a TRUE friend, shouldn't have to be winning the lottery to be happy for you in your success.

You have been a good friend despite her treatment to you. If she's not willing to help herself, then you are fighting a losing battle trying to help her. Don't take it from her.....it will drag you down. Talk to her, create a distance and see what happens. If she loves you, she'll come around. But do not let her drag you down and create drama in your life.

Friendship is 2 sided.....and it really sounds like it's been one sided lately in yours and Ambers situation. Friends are there to help you through the tough times.......not there for you to dump on and belittle to make yourself feel better. Nope....your friendship is worth more than that.

**KMonte85** · 11-17-2009 10:23 AM

Thanks a bunch for the encouragement, BD! It helps to know that I'm not crazy about how I am feeling!

I've tried dropping huge hints that she needs to alter her behavior towards me, but it hasn't worked. Like when she's starting to rant about *my* shortcomings, I tell her that she's got nothing good to say it seems about me, ever. Or I tell her that if she focused half her time she spends analyzing my faults and spent that time on her job hunt or self reflection, she would be much happier. Then she quits til next time. These are things I've said when I've had enough...

But I probably should just sit her down when tempers aren't high and explain to her how she's been coming off for the last year or so... It is so hard, because I'm trying to be sensitive to her frustrations.. I don't want it to seem like I'm throwing something else in her face that she's got to deal with.. but at the same time it does not seem fair to just drop her as a friend either, which is DEFINITELY not something I want to do! We've been such good friends for so long, that would be such a waste... but something's gotta give!

I just feel like I'm leaving her at her most vulnerable moment.. which is such a horrible thing to do to a friend.. but I'm getting sick of being her dartboard when she's feeling blue about her life....

**Loveshoes** · 11-17-2009 11:04 AM

Unfortunately KM, jealousy is an easy emotion, especially for women as we are such emotional creatures anyway. You have by far and large upheld your side of the friendship. She can be jealous all she wants, but its a whole other thing when you attack your "friend" personally. I think it was very commendable of you to take her out, to do whatever you could in order to help her feel better. But at some point, we all have to take accountability for our actions. Hers has been putting you down and stopping the work (ie. growing, working, living) on her own life. We've all had hard times, we've all been at the bottom and some of us pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and head back in. She hasn't done that. I can completely understand you wanting to stay friends and I admire you for not telling her where to go and when, but you can not be responsible for her "failures" (so to speak) and for her lack of responsibility in obtaining a job. Rest assured that perhaps a break is what is due and definitely, as Beautiful stated, a good heart-to-heart talk with her will take care of some of that. If not, you will have to decide if you need to move on. Sometimes, distance can be a lifesaver. Best of luck, you can't be everyones hero, but you can be proud of who you are!

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-17-2009 11:07 AM

I can totally understand not wanting to just lose her as a friend. I think talking to her, then if it doesn't help, starting to distance yourself is your only solution other than just tolerating it. And distancing yourself doesn't mean giving up on your friendship, it just means removing the negativity from your life, for YOU. Then, slipping her a card now and then with an "I miss you", will still let her know you care...let her know that your alls spending time together is sort of in her hands.

You're a go getter, a problem=FIX IT type of person. She is not as much that way as you, clearly. Her problems seem like an easy fix to you (I'm the same as you in that.....I think "WHY NOT DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!?), but to her it's different...to her it's not so easy. But she knows you, she knows if it were you in her shoes, you'd have done something about the issues.......and so she feels inferior, and putting you down and criticizing you and things in your life make her feel better. But if she loves you, then I'm sure she hates this jealousy she feels. The jealousy toward you is a way of taking focus of what she is NOT doing in her own life.....distracts the fact that she's contributing a lot to the bad things going on in her life. Instead, she focuses on the jealousy.

Yes, talk to her when emotions aren't high. Don't be accusatory or judgemental and tell her how she can fix things in her life.....(not insinuating you would do that, just saying!), simply tell her how her behavior towards you makes you feel, how much you love her, and how much you value your friendship.

We all go through tough times, and sometimes we don't treat people in our lives the way we should......but if she's a REAL friend it won't last, and talking to her, truly letting her know how this makes you feel MIGHT make a difference. If it doesn't....you don't have to say "FRIENDSHIP OVER!", but learn to distance yourself from it. It will eventually wear on you and start to drag you down.

Glad you got this off your chest. I know that helps for sure. And know above all else that no matter what she says, it's not about YOU. One of the best lessons in life is to learn not to take things personally. No matter what she says, it's not about you.....it's about her, and how horrible she feels about herself right now.

GOOD LUCK!!!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-17-2009 05:01 PM

Beautiful Disaster
And know above all else that no matter what she says, it's not about YOU. One of the best lessons in life is to learn not to take things personally.

I've watched, read, your advice to others and if you had told me you were 24 I would have said pfttttttttttt.

"Keeping up with the Jones comes to mind"

Jealousy is the worst possible emotion but she's also very depressed. If she leaves the house trashy, yet isn't working, that to me states depression.

Why couldn't that have been me? I passed as well?

You are two different people, and have made two completely different paths in life.

What she needs to realise is that. You didn't both pass and you obtained more wealth and a happy relationship..

You both went on different paths, you already had your boyfriend, you chose a different line of work, you have been with your man for 8 years, together you have built a life, more wealth.

She chose a different field that one day, she may be very successful at and a later date, obtaining a husband, I somehow feel that they met not that long ago and married within a 2 year span, perhaps they weren't as suited but she wanted to get married.

You've focused on different things as your happy full stop with your relationship.

She's made wrong choices I think.

Sometimes friends do drift away as we change.

Not much you can do about it, but don't allow someone else's negativity get you down and make you depressed.

We have one life and one life only, how we choose to live it is ours.

CW

**WildChild** · 11-17-2009 06:48 PM

Some people (gender really isn't a factor) are just this way. It's negative and unhealthy. I'd say back off, you don't have to cut her off completely but you don't have to solicit this in your life. Like attracts like for a reason, I bet you've got other freinds who are more like yourself? Spend more time with them.

**KMonte85** · 11-18-2009 07:24 AM

I somehow feel that they met not that long ago and married within a 2 year span, perhaps they weren't as suited but she wanted to get married. ... don't allow someone else's negativity get you down and make you depressed.

YES.

Like attracts like for a reason, I bet you've got other freinds who are more like yourself? Spend more time with them.

YES.

And know above all else that no matter what she says, it's not about YOU.

YES.

you can't be everyones hero, but you can be proud of who you are!

YES.

You ladies are so insightful, this is why I really enjoy this forum. I usually am pretty numb to others' advice, doing my own thing instead, but here I feel like what I'm being told is sound and should be followed.

I think I've known in the back of my mind what I needed to do, I just don't like that I need to do it. I will have a talk with her, probably tonight as I plan on stopping over her place after work. And after that I will see how it goes, spending less time with her and a lot more time with the girlfriends in my life who are closer to my situation and who I have a great mutual friendship with. I really hope Amber and I don't drift apart, but really it will be her decision if we do or not - she has to be the one to make the change, and I can't force her to fix her situation and use her negative energy towards something positive in her life (as much as I'd like to!!!! lol)

**GlitterAndStuds** · 11-19-2009 02:38 PM

One thing I hear from time to time is that when someone points out what they consider "faults" in another person, it's really what they themselves are insecure about. In a way, that applies here. The fact that you have pretty much everything that Amber wants makes her feel very insecure, so she has to belittle you in order to make herself feel better. Like you're no better than she is.

For one thing, you should never feel bad or guilty about your accomplishments. It's not like any of this was actually handed to you, you worked for what you have. And you were realistic about it, like with marrying Matt. It's really smart to have your prioroties straight and know that finishing classes comes first and you shouldn't have to rush.

In reality, she should know it's not a race and it's unlikely for many people that they will have their dream career right after graduating college. Especially with the economy these days, not easy.

This reminds me a lot of a girl I used to be friends with. She was always really bitter towards me and put me down every chance she had... because I had a boyfriend when the guys she dated would disappear after a week, I had a steady job when she couldn't find anything (and also eventually just stopped trying and hung out at home all day). And I offered to pay for a lot of things, just being nice and helpful. I took her out for food sometimes, I'd buy her a pack of cigarettes here and there (I was smoking then, so I wasn't going out of my way). But no matter what I did, there was always attitude. In the end she ended up calling ME ungrateful. It just all wore too much on our friendship and ultimately ended it. I'm better off that way, but I really hope that won't happen with you.

I wish you lots of luck when you talk with her on your visit. Confronting people about these things is never fun, but hopefully she will realize how this has been affecting you and lay off a little. It's hard not to feel jealousy in these situations, but if she's your best friend, she should still be happy for you and all that you have going for you.

**KMonte85** · 11-24-2009 11:43 AM

Just an update from this situation...

I did talk to Amber about it.. probably not in the best environment, but it just kind of came blurting out! I picked her up and we went to a little Mexican restaurant for a margarita and some appetizers and just let my feelings fly.... I wish I could be more eloquent when I speak to people about how I feel, but I usually just keep quiet until I can't take it anymore and blurt stuff out. Not good. I'm working on that.

I basically told her that she needs to know that lately she has not been a really great friend towards me and I feel like she is resenting me for things that I have worked hard to get. I told her that I am trying to be as understanding as possible because I know that she's suuuuuper stressed right now, but that she can't always take her frustrations out on me because I just can't take it all the time.

She denied she even did those things. so I gave her the example of how she acted when she saw my new home for the first time (criticizing the place, no compliments or congratulations to be found). She then told me that she was just speaking her mind, that is what friends do. I said that is NOT what friends do.. that even if she HATES my home, it is mine and she should be happy that I'm happy and keep her trap shut (I was getting a little mad at this point....). Then she said that I'm not a friend if I want her to keep her feelings bottled up for my own benefit.

I changed the subject at that point. There was no benefit in keeping the discussion going as it wasn't going to end well. And that's where we left it. I seehave seen her once, but I haven't called her since then.

I guess I'm just going to have to pull back a little bit and let her find her way... I just didn't think someone who used to be so awesome could turn into such a gremlin to the people she loves when times get rough. I'm still pretty sad about it and I think to myself that I should call her and just see if she's feeling better... but then I think that I have other friendships that I could be spending that time on nourishing and growing...

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