Thread: How do I stop thinking about him?

I just wanted to add that it is not just forgetting about him but how to get over him. I love him so much and even though I'm grasping it more than the first day, I still can't believe that he is gone. It is almost as I don't want to forget him but then I know I have to. I guess another question I have for you is how do you stop loving someone? It hurts so much. I wonder if I will ever be over him.

I'll give you the history later on.

Amber, could some of your feelings for him stem from the fact that he was your first true boyfriend? Or might you be afraid that nobody else is going to ever be interested in you?

I agree that once you've had something with someone it's unlikely to ever go away completely even if you're no longer with that person. But maybe you should focus more on the future than on the past.

Truth is that you're gonna find someone again. And if you're patient enough then you're gonna find a special person that deserves to be in a relationship with you.

You gotta give yourself more credit. We've been talking since your first post and you come across like an independent and intelligent lady. You need to start understanding that and realize you deserve someone good.

I'm not saying your boyfriend wasn't good, but the thing is that he had issues that happened to interfere with your issues. Nobody's fault, just bad luck. So the next one needs to be more compatible by having more confidence and patience.

Amber, could some of your feelings for him stem from the fact that he was your first true boyfriend?

Tex, i honestly don't know. Maybe it is harder because it is my first true boyfriend and I don't know how to deal with the breakup. I can at least say that much.

I think a little of it is how it ended and how I didn't get the final closure. Even though to him he sees it as closed.

A little of the background. My ex said that the main reason why he ended it was because he realized that there are issues he needs to deal with on his own. When he met me he was still living with his ex. They had lived with each other for over 13yrs. The first three years, it was good for them. Then it started to go down hill. And for the next ten years, he lived with her more platonically because they both were in a rut. About a year and a half before a met him, she had finally pulled the last straw and he told her to get out. But she took forever to get out. My ex and I met in May and started dating in the beginning of June. She didn't move out of his house until finally the middle of September.

That is when I started to see him at his house and that is when we had sex for the first time. I was a virgin until this past April, in which I had a friends with benefit relationship with a guy. We did it only three times before I knew it was not for me. My ex was my first real boyfriend and I'm now 36yrs old. Yep, I was a virgin at 35. in the bedroom, first with that friend and then with my ex, I was having problems. I couldn't relax and was always nervous. I finally told this by email to my ex in early October, that I was now having problems with him in bed also. But what got to him the most was the fact that I didn't feel anything when I kissed him. He saw that as us not having any chemistry. He couldn't take this.

I saw my ex for the last time about a month ago. At that time we were going to just separate. He said he never got over his ex. Not emotionally but the reprocussion of her. She use to belittle him and put him down. She was also very controlling. He now has some self asteem issues. Other issues also but he wouldn't go into them really. I really thought we would get back together in a few months. That is how he talked. But then two weeks later, he emails me and tells me that his problems are much worse than he originally thought and he didn't know when, if ever, he would be ready for a relationship. He wanted me to move on with out him.

I had asked him to look me up when he is finally happy with himself, no matter how long it takes. If I'm not seeing anyone, maybe we could get back together. I wasn't going to wait for him but I figured if I wasn't with someone at the time he was ready, we could get back together. But he emails me back saying he couldn't promise me that. He couldn't get over the lack of feeling I have when we kiss. He said he doesn't think I would ever be satisfied if I gave up something like that, not feeling your lover's kiss. Keep in mind he got fireworks when we kissed, it was just something wrong on my end.

I'm now seeing a sex therapist to help me with all of this. But I asked her about not feeling when I kiss him. She told me the butterflies in your stomach and the heart acceleration is like an arousal. It happens because two people have feelings for each other and get aroused when they even see them, anticipating kissing or when they kiss. We came to the conclusion that my mind is never in on the kissing. I'm always wondering if I'm doing it right or not and my mind is never on it. When he touches my body in other places, I can relax because I don't have to worry about doing something wrong, and it feels wonderful.

So I email him back saying that there is no reason why I can't feel his kiss. I need to learn how to focus on him.

Ever since we started to talk about the lack of feeling his kissing, he no longer told me what he felt of me. He told me he cared once when I told him about a health problem that had started before we split. But I don't know if that caring is more just a friend type of caring and not having feelings for me type of caring.

In that same email I had asked him if he did still have feelings for me. Or when he ended it with me, was that part of his healing process, to get rid of me. He never emailed me back. It makes me wonder if he ever really had feelings for me or not. Or when he found out that I couldn't feel his kiss, his flimsy feelings died. But the last time I saw him, he chocked up at times and had tears in his eyes. That was no act. Why act like that if he didn't have feelings for me. So that holds on to the idea that he does.

I don't know what to believe but I do know that I can't stop thinking about him. We had it so good or at least I though we had. I had no clue he had all of those problems inside of him. I keep remembering all that we had and how much I miss him. He is sweet, caring, has a great sense of humor, and intelligent to describe a little of him. We had the same interest in different hobbies and such. I use to love being with him. And now I dont' know how to stop thinking about him. Just get over him. Forget he exist. That is what he is telling me to do, at least until I'm over him. He said he would like to be friends but I don't know if I can ever be just friends. He has moved on. I wish I could do it as easily as I'm guessing he did it.

When I go out to events, I try having fun but I usually fail miserably at that. I find myself thinking of him and comparing all men to him. And how I wish I was with him instead. I'm not looking for another guy just yet but I do run into them at these events.

I see or do something and it reminds me of him. And it hurts so much. He use to always talk about the future and how I would be part of it. At first I was leary of that but eventually played the same game. Now I'm paying for that one.

I know I have to get over him but it is so hard. I keep wishing he would come back but I know he is not. He has already moved on and I have to do the same. It is just that it hurts so much!!

Or might you be afraid that nobody else is going to ever be interested in you?

Tex, I do have that worry and maybe in the back of the mind, maybe that is what is making this even harder. I really don't know. But right now I find myself comparing him to other men and none of them compare to him. And he wasn't perfect. Not saying he was but it was him who I cared deeply for. I know I have to give him up. I just don't know how. I'm guessing there is not much that can be done. Everyone just keeps saying that it takes time. Eventually it will get better.

kygirl, I heard someone else also mention a journal. I was wondering though if that would make me think of him all the more. But not that I think I could stop thinking about him anyways.

I agree that once you've had something with someone it's unlikely to ever go away completely even if you're no longer with that person. But maybe you should focus more on the future than on the past.

Tex, I know you are right about just focusing on the future. It is just so hard to forget about him. But I know I have to.