I feel powerless in this obviously abusive relastionip! What should I do?

**mlewis904** · 11-24-2009 08:33 AM

I really don't feel like explaining the whole story, but I don't know any other way to do it. He is right behind me, sleeping and I hope the typing doesn't wake him....

I'm gonna make this as short as possible, just to avoid him waking up..

My boyfriend has had a really messed up life. His dad is an ex junkie, who suffers from hepatitis and deminta now, and is Mom is an alcoholic. He has 3 younger siblings, that he has had to take care of since he was 12. His dad was in the Navy and his Mom would go out drinking and come home late at night with different men...

He had to be the one to discipline the kids, feed them, bathe them...etc pretty much he took on the role of being both parents, while his dad was out at sea. 12 year old kids don't know how to take care of things, so somehow someone knew what was going on and left an anonymous tip to child services. They came by the house to see what was going on and the house was filfly. They got taken away right then and there...

So to make a long story short...his mom let them go, while his dad fought for custody. By the time he won custody, my bf was already living on his own, but the other children went to go live with him in a run down single wide trailer. (run down because it was missing pieces of the floor and the fridge was broken, there was no shower head...etc)

So meanwhile he has no idea what is going on. He is living a pretty normal life for an 18 year old. We meet through a mutual friend fall in love and start living together...

A year goes by and we see his dad downtown with a women. He hadn't seen or heard from his dad in a couple years. We get his address and go over to his house....it was a mess....

So we decide we can't live with our friends and party anymore...we have to take action...remember we are only 18 &19 at the time...we were still kids...

So we try to sustain a normal life for the children...meanwhile he is turning into a HUGE alcoholic who can be abusive at times...he's says its the stress..so i believe him...

Fast forward 3 years to the present day....we are living in a bigger home, the oldest kid is doing great in school, but the younger two have a really hard time listening to him. HIs dad lives in the backyard in a camper and he lives off unemployment checks...so he has to be the dad...and they don't like that at all..meanwhile im busting my (edit) cleaning up after them and making sure his dad is going to his doctors appts (there are ALOT) and going to school full time, all at the same moment!

He has become an alcoholic. He is definitely verbally abusive and can be physically when things get really bad. Like last night, he was so stressed out because he couldn't have a normal life...(I am too, but i don't drink..) so he pulled my hair and threw all my clothes in the living room...he's a musician and all he wants to do is be a normal 22 year old and play music with his buddies, so i understand where he is coming from...but it hurts so bad... I'm so confused as to what to do.

We are still so young and I feel like I'm wasting my youth away taking care of this family, and my bf is treating me this way. I've left before, but he reeled me back in...it's so hard to leave...because I feel like he has a legitimate reason to drink and be angry

I'm so confused and I don't know what to do....

**KMonte85** · 11-24-2009 09:03 AM

m, you already know what you need to do! You've done it once before, but weren't strong enough to keep going... L-E-A-V-E. Run! Don't let him manipulate you back...3 years is a long time. It will be hard. But you can do it!

It is commendable that you have been so understanding of your bf's problems and have helped him with his burdens.. unfortunately, he hasn't appreciated it. do NOT let him become YOUR burden. You are not attached to him in any way (not married - no kids right?). You can walk out the door at any time. Do so. do it for yourself! Do it before you get more hurt than you already are!

He needs help that you can't give. He needs counciling, anger management, and some sort of rehabilitiation program. His siblings need help to. I hope you suggest that they all get the professional help that the need as you walk out the door for the last time (and then do NOT look back).

**WildChild** · 11-24-2009 09:36 AM

It's amazing that he is able and willing to carry this burden, it's obvious that it is too much for either of you. Only you can decide if you want to walk or stick it out. At the very least, Dad needs to go. He's made his bed and has no business expecting his barely adult son to raise his kids for him and care for him.

It's comendable that your bf wants to care for his sibs but it's too much and in truth it's probably not the best thing for them. This idea that it is always perferable to be with family just isn't true when the family is disfunctional, it just perpetuates the problems. Of course the foster care system has some real issues. There are some great foster parents and some awful ones. Are there any relatives who are stable and might be able to take either the older sibling or the two younger ones? Or the family of a school freind? You may be surprised at how people will step up to help if they know it is needed and what the true situation is.

Sit Cory down and explain the choices. Don't negotiate. You can walk anytime. If that is your choice, tell him. If you are willing to stay under specific circumstances, tell him what those are. IF you were willing to try to work it out I'd say you MUST have these things:
Dad is O-U-T. Permanently
Cory is in AA, regularly - he must get help
NO more abusive behavior -Any and you walk - good bye forever.
All or some of the kids are found other stable homes.
You both need to own your lives and give yourselves a chance to get on your feet.
You can do that anytime. it's up to you.

**Hopeless Dork** · 11-24-2009 11:02 AM

Cory is so resentful, yet has this inherent good-natured resposibility quality (who knows where he got this from with parents like his), he wants to care for his family... deep down he knows the burden is too much bare.

The thing with alcoholics is most wont seek help til they hit rock bottem: a medical illness, jail, financial catastrophy, losing someone they love over it, etc. Thats why on all those interventions they tell the families to stay firm in staying out of the persons life until they seek help. This will excellerate them heading toward rock-bottom. When an addict is enabled, when their alcohol use has not yet interfered with their ability to make rent, to have the people they love around them, etc... there is not desperate need to fix it.

You are so young. You will wake up one day an old woman... and think what could have been if you don't make the steps to change your situation here and now. At least you are still in school and PLEASE please please, if you don't find it in yourself to leave this mess at the moment... don't let it side track your education.

I hope that you are on a safe birth control as throwing a pregnancy and baby into the mix at this point will only further your troubles.

While what cory is doing for his family is admirable... what he is doing to you is horrid and one doesn't balance the other. You never deserve to get hurt, physically or verbally. Never. No matter what pain he endured he does not have the right to put you through it.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 11-24-2009 12:48 PM

Excellent advise from the others. Please listen to it.....take it to heart....because I fear that eventually this will get even worse for you. You love him....yes. But nowhere does love require tolerating abuse. What do you think when a parent abuses a child? No good worthless parent who doesn't deserve to have children.........right? So why is it any different for a guy to do it to his girlfriend or wife? It's not. It's 100% totally unacceptable REGARDLESS of what else is going on in his/your alls lives. "Yeah he hits me, but......" never needs to be in your vocabulary.

Please do not find yourself a co-dependent enabler. You love him? Then don't contribute to his lifestyle. And please do not sit around on this and wake up one day and feel like you can't live without the drama = codependent.

While he may have lots of things in his life to resent, he has one thing that for sure he should be thankful for = YOU. You have taken on his messed up, drama filled life as part of your own, you have helped raise his siblings, you have helped take care of his mess of a father. But he hits YOU??? You are his whipping post......he doesn't think he will lose you.

As others have said, something must change. Be careful issuing ultimatums though....because I'm afraid that you might say "Dad must go!" and then Dad goes....... BF still hits you and is an alcoholic.......so then what?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 11-24-2009 12:55 PM

You've both got good hearts. I imagine he "thought" he could do this, but reality is, he can't.

Surely there are grandparents/aunties/uncles? This is a family thing where all should be stepping in and helping.

Cory doesn't need to turn out like his Dad, I understand you "think" he has so much pressure and because he likes alcohol, he drinks it and then gets aggressive, but some say it's in the blood but irrespective, you can't become a punching bag, you've been there for him over this.

It was commendable what he tried to do, but he can't handle it.

What do your parents think about this?

At this point, I think you need to step away, it's unfortunately not your responsibility and you shouldn't feel guilty. I say this, because now your in an abusive relationship and that's not on..

Talk to your family, move back in for a while, talk to his family, see what they can do to help this situation and combined, in a group talk to Cory, hopefully, they will offer some form of support weekly to ease his stress and let him live as well, which may change things.

CW

**stressed** · 11-24-2009 03:52 PM

Spending 4/5 of your message trying to give everybody an excuse for behaving like they do, instead of focusing on yourself, shows to me how much pressured you must feel and how much afraid you are of him and his mood swings/alcoholism. This is not a healthy relationship. You do not have to go through this, you owe him nothing. When a man turns to alcohol and becomes abusive it's where you draw the line. Him having a hard time does not excuse him for how he treats you; you don't deserve this.

You have to discuss this with your family and spend as much time as you need with them, as they are the only ones who can support you through this. Do not accept responsibilities that have nothing to do with you when you are so young and have so much to do for yourself. Alcoholism is a very serious issue, even if he would decide to quit drinking you would have to go through he** to see him sober again. Do not let anyone take advantage of your good nature and do not accept abuse, the longer you accept it the worse it will become.

**happy ending** · 11-24-2009 06:25 PM

ok i agree with you that cory is under pressure, he needs to get help. but do you know what i discovered in my years with an alcoholic husband. they will ALWAYS find an excuse to drink and NOTHING is ever their fault. if they are abusive, its either the booze and they cant remember so cant be held responsible or its your fault, you nag, are stupid etc etc etc

I agree with wc however if he doesnt make real permanent change, and i personally dont feel he is capable, hit the road jack and dont you come back. save yourself years of heartache, the short term pain and guilt you feel will at least be over quickly. my thoughts are with you!

**artist1633** · 11-24-2009 11:41 PM

Wow, I am sorry you are going though this. You are living for another to get better. I went through the same thing with ex. CW has good advice. Get away ASAP, no explanations.