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Thread: Why am I so afraid to love again?

  1. 02-07-2007 06:56 PM #1
    MelissaDC
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    Question Why am I so afraid to love again?

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    I am a single mom with two wonderful girls who have pretty sorry relationships with their dads. I have been in a relationship with a guy for about 5 years now. I have always felt we were really good together. Most of the time we are fine. Now, I realize that relationships are not always sunshine and roses, but sometimes I feel like I can't completely give my heart to him. I often wonder why. I love him, I know, but it just scares me half to death when I think about marriage again. I got used for money and a trophy both times and just don't want that to happen again. I feel like I need to speak to someone, but because of my job I can't really do that. It would cause a problem for me to seek professional help as that might show a sign that I am a security risk. I tried suicide once a long time ago. I don't think about it now, but it's always there. Anyone who has been in that dark place knows what I am talking about. My girls love him and he is truly good with them. He spends time with them and gives them the attention that their dads have never had the inclination to give. I can't bear the thought of taking him away from them or him not being in our lives. I am so scared, though that we will get married and he will regret it and say things like, I wish I had never married you or I just thought I loved you. Sometimes when he gets frustrated or angry he say things about packing up and leaving, but then later on tells me he didn't mean it. Which am I supposed to believe? He either loves me or he doesn't. I think he has issues of his own and doesn't want to face them. I also think men use these kinds of threats as a means of control in a relationship. I grew up in an abusive home and have seen a lot of things from a man who can't control his life, so he just messes with people around him so he can control something if it is only to cause pain. I am too old to go through any more of this nonsense. I also just don't want to have a lot of aggravation in my life. I seem to feel better about myself and with myself when I am single, even if I am dating someone steady. I don't cheat on him and have never even thought seriously about it. Is it me wondering what I might miss if I get married? Or is it just an ingrained fear that has been in my head since I was a child that all men do this sooner or later? Any advice?
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  2. 03-14-2007 07:47 PM #2
    ladylove
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    Maybe don't even think marriage. Just enjoy the relationship. There is no law that says you have to marry him. I can relate to you though. I always seem to be the one walked out on. My b/f now does the same thing-gets mad and says he will leave. This gives me a real insecurity, so I to would have the fear if ever marriage were to be considered that I would come home one day and he be gone. How long after divorce before you started dating? Did you have to have someone in your life? Maybe you need some personal/alone time to figure out exactly what it is you want. If you really want the relationship, let things continue the way the are with no legal ties.
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  3. 04-07-2007 07:36 PM #3
    Sue123
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    I can relate to you completely. I have been divorced over 4yrs. and now in a serious relationship with a wonderful man who is only supportive for me. He's the best. Though, I'm feeling a little ambivalent as the relationship gets more serious and involves my children. In a way I realize that any ambivalence is all my fault and the insecurities left by bad things that happened in past relationships. It's hard to get past these feelings and just enjoy a person as they are today.....not tomorrow or yesterday. I have to remind myself that daily. Nothing is a guarentee. No person comes with a guarentee. Love that is not given back is so painful. We never want to feel that again. It makes us feel insecure about ourselves. It makes it hard to start over and do it all over again with another person. It makes us question another person's every behavior which isn't fair to them. No one is perfect. Relationships do take patience and work. It won't be a fairy tale romance. There's no such thing as a perfect stranger. Every one has good and bad days. It makes it hard to open up ourselves to love again. That would leave us vulnerable.

    I would do it all over again,no matter what the risk. I try to only think about the present time.....today. Is it good today. Is he loving to your children today? Is he loving to you today? Does he communicate well today? Is he supportive of you today? A man who is helping raise your kids that aren't his and has no kids of his own definitely loves you honey. I definitely have learned one thing..........a man who doesn't love you wouldn't take a single moment to spend time with your children.

    If you need time to think about whether this person is the person for you.....then let him know that. Let him know that you care for him,but need to be sure beyond a shadow of a doubt because you don't want either of you to make a mistake. Take the time to explore who you are and what is important to you in life. If he loves you he will wait for you. Find yourself and you will be happy!! Then maybe you will not be afraid to love again. I hope that helps.
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  4. 04-07-2007 11:30 PM #4
    kaylar
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    Default No Pressure


    The least stress comes from relationships
    you don't have to think about.

    Keep it light, make it easy.
    You don't have to commit, just enjoy
    now for being now.

    There are no guarantees in life.

    He's here now, you be here now. Take
    all the joy out of each day and forget
    about tomorrow.
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  5. 04-13-2007 04:46 PM #5
    missJambi
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    hun i am in the same boat...i often think that also...wanna see my scar on my wrist!? but you knopw something, you can see his sincerity thru your children. if he is so great with your kids and it seems he has already taken them on kindly, then i doubt there is anything to worry about. but i know its easier said than done. you are tramuatised, as i am too. sometimes you just have to take that risk. lately i have been thinking to myself, 'relationships are so painful and risky...i hate how i get so deep so fast and my heart aches when i am with someone...my past ones have been awful and i find myself becoming so wary in a new relationship that i think that because he hasnt called yet today, he has left me...i find that being single makes me feel more at peace...yet it sux not having a man!"
    its normal what you are feeling...
    Last edited by missJambi; 04-13-2007 at 04:55 PM.
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