Thread: Help me chill out!

Jealousy......a terribly hard thing to deal with because what is often labeled as jealousy is our intuition throwing up red flags. But sometimes, its not that....just pure unwarranted jealousy. Hard to distinguish between the two.

I went back and read your previous post. She was contacting him, but he was contacting her too. If she was a "friend", then wouldn't he bring her around? Why would she be a friend that you've never met? Your intuition told you back then that this was one to be leary of. And it's telling you that now. This is not to say your bf would do anything, but you said he wasn't used to getting that much attention from girls.....and maybe he likes the attention.

There are lots of ways your bf can work with animals and not work at this one pet store that she happens to work at. He could've applied to work at a local animal shelter (they get much more hands on experience than at a pet store), or even just volunteered and kept his other job. Vet clinics are always hiring vet techs (what better way to get to work with and learn about animals). And also, if there are tons of pet stores closer to where you live now, why is he applying at the one she works at? ........not accusing....just throwing some ideas out there.

Why are you so against meeting her? Maybe you will see how they interact and see that there is no attraction there? If it were me, I'd MAKE SURE I was there to meet her at the band show, I'd make sure I looked hot, felt confident and showed her without being caddy, that this is your man and you're not the least bit threatened by her.

Originally Posted by WildChild

I think you may have to just tell him because even if there is no interest on his side, it's bugging you and that will affect how the two of you interact. Try to stay calm and rational but just tell him you love him and don't want to share him even at this level.

I had a feeling someone would say that ... and you're totally right. Normally, I have no problem being honest with him, I just don't want to ruin a possibility of it. But it's true. I didn't even consider the fact that I'll probably act weird about it and interact with him differently. You're right though, absolutely. I'm trying not to worry about it until he actually says that he's applied there or whatever, because as far as I know, he hasn't.

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

Jealousy......a terribly hard thing to deal with because what is often labeled as jealousy is our intuition throwing up red flags. But sometimes, its not that....just pure unwarranted jealousy. Hard to distinguish between the two.

I went back and read your previous post. She was contacting him, but he was contacting her too. If she was a "friend", then wouldn't he bring her around? Why would she be a friend that you've never met? Your intuition told you back then that this was one to be leary of. And it's telling you that now. This is not to say your bf would do anything, but you said he wasn't used to getting that much attention from girls.....and maybe he likes the attention.

There are lots of ways your bf can work with animals and not work at this one pet store that she happens to work at. He could've applied to work at a local animal shelter (they get much more hands on experience than at a pet store), or even just volunteered and kept his other job. Vet clinics are always hiring vet techs (what better way to get to work with and learn about animals). And also, if there are tons of pet stores closer to where you live now, why is he applying at the one she works at? ........not accusing....just throwing some ideas out there.

Why are you so against meeting her? Maybe you will see how they interact and see that there is no attraction there? If it were me, I'd MAKE SURE I was there to meet her at the band show, I'd make sure I looked hot, felt confident and showed her without being caddy, that this is your man and you're not the least bit threatened by her.

Those are my thoughts exactly... that it's hard to distinguish jealousy from intuition. I've always had a bit of a jealous streak that I should probably deal with. Not the psychotic kind, thank god, but enough of one anyway.

The reason I haven't met her is because even he hasn't seen her outside of the pet store, except for one show that she went to with her (now ex) boyfriend a few months back. Which is the reason she has his number, so she knew where she was going. Whatever, that's fine. There are lots of his friends that I haven't met, male and female, because he tends to hang out with the same few people, all of which I've met.

He's applied at every pet store around here. He's gone to a couple of interviews for even lab technicians (where you're basically moving mice from one cage to another) and people just don't call him back. Like I said, I don't think he's even filled out the application yet or if he even will. I guess I just want to be prepared for if/when he says he does. Something tells me this place would be a last resort type thing, and hopefully he doesn't have to use it.

I guess I'm against meeting her because I have such an idea ingrained in my head about her that I wouldn't be able to help but act b*tchy toward her. Just because of how much stress she's caused me in the past. I've thought about that though, believe me. I always think that with my luck I'll meet her and she'll end up being the coolest chick ever or something, haha. But I probably do need to meet her and see them around each other. I don't doubt that the fact that I haven't has a lot to do with how I feel. And trust me, I fully plan on looking super hot that night!

It's really not him I have the problem with. I'm fully aware that he loves me, he practically worships the ground I walk on, he does everything for me. It's not like I'm worried that he'll cheat or anything, that's just not him. I'm just constantly back and forth about this girl, and I hate that I'm letting this person that I've never met affect me so much.

I think you should just try really hard to befriend her at the show. Who knows, maybe she's really cool and you guys would hit it off. If she's weird to you then you have a reason to be upset. But I think trying to be her friend before he asks her about the job is a good way to start off on the right foot. Besides, if you do have a complaint about it, you would have more legitimacy later if you were able to say you tried to befriend her and she was cold.

Very good point on that intuition vs jealousy, BD. There is a fine line there... so its important to use caution with how you react to things... but the little feelings you get... don't ignore them outright as women tend to have an amazing power to pick up on things that are not overtly obvious.

An insignificant example... I was at a party with my boyfriend once. Met a girl there among many guys AND girls was introduced to her like everyone else... my bf didn't act any differently to her than anyone. She kind of half smiled and I could feel the falseness of it and it gave me a weird feeling.

The rest of the night I noticed anytime I'd look in her direction she'd turn her head and for some reason I could feel that this stranger didn't like me. It was a total gut feeling with nothing really to substanciate.

When we left for the night she said bye like the others but her tone was just, it rubbed me wrong. Later that night I asked my bf if there were any girls he use to date at that party and he said yeah, one, a long time ago... not a big deal. I was like who? And he told me, and yep it was THAT girl.

I picked up her bad vibe in a huge crowd with nothing more than instinct. Of course that exchange was not important. What they had whatever it was is long over and in the past but girls as we all know sometimes still even if they don't like a guy at all anymore and wouldn't want to be with him... still act a little funny sometimes around him with someone new.

I can site a dozen other examples of just going with my gut and being dead on and I'm sure all of you can too. If you are picking up a vibe from this girl... I wouldn't ignore it. I wouldn't get mad at your bf over it, as he's done nothing wrong. And if it were me, I wouldn't tell him I don't want him working with her because at the end of the day it will be his responsibility to avoid her advances if she makes them.

She could be seeing him as some sort of challenge to conquest since he's dedicated to his gf, a lot of girls are like that. She may have no genuine interest in a relationship with him but wants to see if she can out do you and snag him, even though she doesn't know you. Which is why men with rings get hit on so often. Something about the unnatainable that brings out the competitive nature in some insecure females.

If he is seriously considering taking that job, you can talk to him about how that girls constant texting made you feel and how you hope his working there doesn't make you uncomfortable and feel like a 3rd wheel... or whatever it is you are truly feeling without asking him not to consider the job. Letting your worries of some woman he isn't interested in keep him from a job he wants is not really fair.

Think of how you'd feel if you were going to take a job where some guy you knew you didn't like had a crush on you, and he didn't want you to take it because of it. You'd think it silly as you KNOW you aren't interested in that guy and would expect him to have a little more faith in you than that, I'd think.

Originally Posted by sourpuss

I think you should just try really hard to befriend her at the show. Who knows, maybe she's really cool and you guys would hit it off. If she's weird to you then you have a reason to be upset. But I think trying to be her friend before he asks her about the job is a good way to start off on the right foot. Besides, if you do have a complaint about it, you would have more legitimacy later if you were able to say you tried to befriend her and she was cold.

Ya know, I was thinking that. As I said to BD, I keep thinking that I'm probably going to have to meet her at some point. And while I have my feelings about her, I know it wouldn't kill me to suck it up and at least try. I don't think he's going to wait that long (the show is at the end of January), so if by some chance he does end up working there, he'll have already been there. I know I have to feel things out and just see for myself how she is, I just don't wanna. Haha.

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

If he is seriously considering taking that job, you can talk to him about how that girls constant texting made you feel and how you hope his working there doesn't make you uncomfortable and feel like a 3rd wheel... or whatever it is you are truly feeling without asking him not to consider the job. Letting your worries of some woman he isn't interested in keep him from a job he wants is not really fair.

Think of how you'd feel if you were going to take a job where some guy you knew you didn't like had a crush on you, and he didn't want you to take it because of it. You'd think it silly as you KNOW you aren't interested in that guy and would expect him to have a little more faith in you than that, I'd think.

I know. And in the end, I would NEVER ask/tell him not to do something he wants to do over something so petty. Which I'll admit it totally is. I mean, he doesn't even really want to work at a pet store...but he wants to open his own someday, so obviously he's going to have to suck it up and work at one. I've been thinking all day that I don't want to be the reason he doesn't have something he wants and have him resent me later. At the same time though, I think I'll need to somehow be honest about my feelings otherwise it's going to give me ulcers, haha.

I don't know. He's been texting me throughout the day saying it's a possibility he could work there but he's not sure it's a good idea. The work schedule conflicts with that of his band's, which is his top priority. That, and it doesn't pay enough. He's just scraping by with what he's making at his job now, and the store pays less. He hasn't said anything about her. All I've said was "Aaaand of course it has to be that one" but in a way where he knows I'm being light hearted about it. I'm very nonconfrontational, so it's kind of hard.