What to do when the ex comes into the picture

**x.st.angel.x** · 12-31-2009 07:20 PM

Hello ladies (and gents)

I have a really complicated situation on my hands and i would just like to hear a few thoughts.

My boyfriend and i have been together for about 10 months and in all honesty he is the most amazing guy i have ever met.

Only problem is i think he's still stuck in the past about his ex. (i'll give a little history) She cheated on him with a number of his friends and was caught numerous times also they had been together for ages and there was the intention of marriage between them. So i understand that it was really hard to move on from that.

Its always been a conversation between us and it never bothered me because i was assuming it was helping him let go of her and focus on me but the other night he got drunk and got into one of those 'drunken deep conversations'. He said something that really got to me....he said 'nothing can really beat the connection i had with my ex"

well gosh, does he not want to try or what??

Anyways im not sure how to handle hearing that and not sure what i need to do next. It is still early stages of our relationship and dont feel i need to walk away im just trying to figure out what i could do or say that can make him fully let go of her

**WildChild** · 12-31-2009 07:29 PM

I'm so sorry you have this situation. Sometimes they never let go and no matter how much you love, it won't make any difference. I don't know what to suggest I've never found a way around it.

**x.st.angel.x** · 12-31-2009 07:37 PM

Yeah its definately a tough one, its just strange because he absolutely hates her for what she did but still wont fully let go. Is it possible he is holding on to the past due to fear of either the future, me or so it doesnt happen again? I cant decide if it is wise to ask if i can ever live up to the standard she has set in his head and if he'll ever fully give me a chance?

I suppose i'd rather put up with her still slightly being in his head than him telling me that i cant ask him to just forget and having this huge big black hole between us.

**WildChild** · 12-31-2009 08:06 PM

I don't know, I've dealt with this so many times - it's like I have a talent for attracting men who are stuck in their past. If he's only come up with it drunk, it may not be so bad. The thing is hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is. As long as he is thinking he hates her, he is giving her his energy. All you can do is talk to him.

It's a total between a rock and a hard place thing. It's almost like you can't win. If you leave then you are one more woman who hurt him. If you stay you will get hurt and then probably hurt some more. The hardest part is that if you really care and perhaps could truly love him but he is armored, protecting himself and not willing to open up to love, then he will kill it. He will deprive both of you of the chance of happiness together. It may seem that you will pay the heaviest price for having loved him, when he cannot fully love you, but just think of the price he pays. He will lose you and any other good woman who could love him and stay stuck in a well of pain.

**Sprite** · 12-31-2009 08:57 PM

Maybe ask him about it when he's sober.

Just say like "You mentioned that nothing can really beat the connection you had with your ex, I understand that, but what were you trying to say?"

**x.st.angel.x** · 12-31-2009 09:00 PM

Yeah like wc says its like a situation i cant win so im trying to figure out a way i can win where theres no loss to him or me so that would be a certain way to talk to him or do i just drop it till he brings it up again and if he does do i act on it or not.

I want to ask him straight up nix but its a touchy subject so i dont know how to

**LanaBear** · 12-31-2009 10:48 PM

That SUCKS!!! But honestly, you just need to get it out there.

"Hey, something's been bothering me since the other night. I know you were drinking, but you said x, y, z... Now that there's no alcohol involved, I just want to know your sober thoughts about it. Please don't BS with me now...."

**Sprite** · 12-31-2009 11:19 PM

Yeah I know what you mean Saint, but you're only hurting yourself by stressing over it, the sooner you clear it all up the better.

**x.st.angel.x** · 12-31-2009 11:35 PM

Yeah i suppose i should just bring it up....Im seeing him tomorrow and i shall try and hopefully it goes according to plan

**Mes T** · 12-31-2009 11:42 PM

Sometimes I also think that I could never connect with someone on the same level that I did with my ex, but to me that doesn't mean that I still have feelings for him, and it also doesn't mean that I can't have different types of connections with other people that in some ways might even be better.

My ex told me that he still loves me and always will, despite him having a girlfriend. Can't help but feel bad for the new girl... but I think that with time, he will change his mind. Once he sees that this girl is so much better for him than I was (and I was NOT a good girlfriend to him)... he'll get over it.

But yeah, definitely talk about it. Don't wait!