pregnancy, abortion, boyfriend leaving me. Toughest moment in my life

**SweetP** · 01-03-2010 07:37 PM

This is the toughest moment in my life, life changing. About a month ago I began to date this guy and it was too good to be true. We instanly clicked. We had so much in common, we got along great, we felt like we knew eachother forever. He told his family about me as did I. He is 32 and I am 28 so we both felt like we might have found "the one".

About a week ago I came to find out that Im pregnant with someone elses child. I havent even had sex with my current boyfriend and out of honesty I told him that Im pregnant from some guy that I had a fling with.

The guy I had a fling with is the complete opposite of my boyfriend, his first reaction was for me to get an abortion, he could care less about me and this child. At this point in my life that seems to be the right choice, Im unemployed, living at home and have no health insurance.

The night I told my boyfriend he was in shock, as was I, but he said he would support me in watever decision I made. After a day I guess the information sunk in and he began to act cold with me. 2 days later he told me that he didnt think he could handle this situation. And 3 days later he told me he needed "to take a step back" I asked him what that meant exactly and he said he didnt know. ??? What does that mean??

We had a deep connection in such a short time. I know that wasnt a lie. He had strong feelings for me and still does. If he wanted it to end and be over wih why not just say it? Why choose the words "take a step back"?? And then he states that he doesnt know what that means. I feel like hes toying with me. Making me have hope for nothing. Im confused and hurt that he walked away from me at a time when I really needed him. I know the news was strong and very difficult to accept but then why doesnt he just leave and say its over. Why tell me he wants to take a step back and think things through. Is that a nice way to end a relationship. Im confused and hurt. He left me at the worst time.

**WildChild** · 01-03-2010 07:55 PM

Oh Darling this is so hard. My heart goes out to you. This is one of the reasons wny it's always a good idea to give yourself some time after a break up before you see anyone new. But it's too late for that. you have to deal with what is.

It's hard to say what is in his mind, but have you tried putting yourself in his shoes? Suppose he told you that he just found his ex-GF was pregnant with his child? How would you feel? Would you want some time to consider the situation? This has to be quite a shock to him, if he was considering a lifetime with you. Isn't it better that he takes time to think about it?

Right now you focus on doing what is best for You. Decide what you are going to do about this pregnancy then deal with him.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-03-2010 08:46 PM

I know that this is such a difficult time for you... Finally, you find the man of your dreams and then your dealt with a card.

You know... life always puts obsticles in the way for us to re-view our lives I believe, as well as hurdles to jump over...

What you perhaps need to see, is that, if I am correct, your boyfriend wasn't aware that you previously had a "fling" there would be no reason to mention that to him upon meeting him and dating him...

I am suspecting that he has viewed it all in the wrong way... and that he is hurt, because men are men, same as women are women, if the shoe was on the other foot, we seem to understand more, but it's very difficult for a guy.

He's fallen for you I suspect and I think that you probably need to explain what you meant by "fling", because to a man that may say, "I didn't care at all about him, I simply wanted sex so I did".

I am definately, not saying that is wrong, we are grown women, but if you were to say that you liked him, originally thought it may have gone somewhere, and then saw him for what he was and left, not knowing you were pregnant and you therefore, "called it as for what it was for, a fling", it poses something different.

What I am saying is you may have just blurted it out as if, that is something you do and this time you got lucky. See what I mean? 1 month is not long for someone to get to know you, to know what happens in your mind, and heart as much as you think you two do know each other.

The other thing, is as WC said, you need to decide what is best for you, but please go and seek advice in this regard, don't make the decision alone and don't make it with family members/friends but a Doctor so that they can discuss it properly with you, you need to understand how you may feel after and what to expect and how to deal with it..

I have written the above because you asked why and stated your confused as to why.

Just like this Forum, you can only work on what people write, so, same thing, he can only go off what you exactly told him. If you put it in a "bad" light, he could feel that you don't "value" relationships and he'll get hurt.

See what I mean?

When I am sure just from reading what you wrote that, that is not the case at all, you value them dearly and would hold onto one that was worth something...

He needs to know who he is to you and that you need him right now, ask him to make his decision in a couple months once you've made yours and explain to him further about the "fling"..

I am feeling for what ever reason that is important.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 01-03-2010 09:07 PM

I'm sorry, but I think your new boyfriend decided he wasn't ready for a child yet. Its really sad, but try to understand - if he stays with you through the pregnancy and birth, he will feel he needs to act as the child's father. That is a terrible commitment to make this early in a relationship.

I don't think he is toying with you. I think he is struggling with a tremendous internal dilemma. He cares about you, maybe loves you, but just doesn't want to commit to the responsibility of a child - a lifelong commitment. I suspect his is in almost as much pain as you are.

Based on my moral sense: if he stays with you through the birth of the child, he is acting as the child's father and is morally committed to taking care of if. But, if he leaves now, he has done nothing morally wrong - he hasn't even slept with you yet, so he doesn't have any responsibility if he leaves.

**SweetP** · 01-06-2010 03:34 PM

So heres the update..
I explained it to him in full detail. I let him know how me & this guy liked eachother. We attempted to have a relationship and realized right away that it would have never worked out. And all that happened a month before I even met my boyfriend. He just listened and didnt say a word.

He called me a few days ago and continues to say the same. He needs to take a step back right now. I ask again what does that exactly mean and he says he doesnt exactly know. I asked him if that was the last conversation that he wants to have with me and he says he doesnt know. Apparently he doesnt know anything right now and it hurts me a lot. I havent spoken to him in a few days.

I feel this built up anger towards him now. If he wants to leave he can leave but by saying he needs to take a step back doesnt really say much. Out of my own pride I feel like even if he does come back Im not sure I would want him back because of the way he walked away from me. Do I really want a man that will leave like that? Im trying my best to understand him but if I was in his shoes I would definitely be there for him but I guess thats just us women, we are more understanding.

He hasnt even called me to ask me if I was ok. And it surprised me that he didnt even ask me what my decision was on keeping the baby or not. Im not sure if hes waiting to see what I decided or whats in his head and if thats the case then Im not sure I want to be with someone like that. I decided to go threw with the abortion and Im currently recovering from it. I feel it was the best decision for my life right now and I dont regret it.

**sourpuss** · 01-06-2010 03:41 PM

SweetP, I'm glad you are recovering and so glad to hear that you are not beating yourself up over making the best decision for you. That is healthy and I wish you the best.

I think you are asking yourself the right questions. We definitely deal with things differently than men, so knowing and understanding that is good. He just may be in complete shock right now and needing time.

Give yourself some time to let your hormones level out and try not to over-think the whole thing. Concentrate on you and take care of yourself. If he comes around maybe let him know what you are feeling. If not, then I think you know that he's not the right person for you.

**sperosi** · 01-06-2010 03:46 PM

I think you should consider not getting so angry at your BF. you have been dating a month, not even had sex with him, and told him you are pregnant with someone else's child.

that is an awful lot for anyone to have to deal with. I'm not sure any guy I know would be that ready to just move on with a relationship that was only a month old under those circumstances. maybe if the two of you have known each other for a longer period of time he wouldnt feel the need to take a step back.

give him some time, it is an awful lot to deal with so soon in a relationship.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-06-2010 04:22 PM

I think someone "lonely", would have blurted out that the child is no longer, yet, someone whom is "seeking" expressions and waying up a relationship, won't and that's what you did.

I agree, I don't think you can "judge" him just yet.. It was a lot to take in.

There was a first step there. You explained it wasn't just a "fling", persay and he listened. Said nothing.

But, he did pick the phone up a few days later. And, called you.

Sit back and look after you for a while.

Then let him know of the decision you made and see what occurs from that, what I think is needed is at that point, being open and talking about it further as to how you both felt over it all...

It can't hurt.

CW

**rcoreyus** · 01-06-2010 04:52 PM

I think you made the right decision on the abortion. I know it is a very difficult decision to make.

Your BF may have wanted to be very careful not to look like he was trying to influence that decision. Maybe he didn't want to raise a child, but didn't want you to need to choose between him and the child. I can see how this could be a very confusing, stressful situation for him (and of course for you). I can see how the more he thought about it, the more tangled things got.

Please don't blame him for being unsure about what he wanted to do. A shallow person would have either left, or stayed without considering the implications. Someone who thinks and cares would realize how very difficult this situation is.

**SweetP** · 01-08-2010 09:13 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

I think someone "lonely", would have blurted out that the child is no longer, yet, someone whom is "seeking" expressions and waying up a relationship, won't and that's what you did.

Thank you for noticing because that is what Im doing. I havent spoken to him in days. I really want to see what kind of person he is. If hes just going to walk away from me forever or if hes going to come back after he took some time to think things through. He still doesnt know that I aborted and that Im doing ok now. He knows nothing and Im not planning to call him to tell him. I figure I will give him time, afterall it was his idea to "step back". So Im letting him go until he cares enough to know how I am doing. If not then I know hes not for me.