hot then cold
How is it a man can tell you he loves you and can't live without you, then say he needs time and space and acts like he doesn't care? I see a cycle here and I don't know if it's me that's nuts or him. My bf bought me a tanzinite ring for xmas and said it was special because it was something that he knew I liked. We spent everyday together over the holidays up until this past sunday. I left his house early because I was sick with a cold. Ever since then I feel like he is blowing me off even though he said today that he loves me and he's not goin anywhere he just needs time to get things done.
But yet it was ok for the past two weeks for me to cook dinner for him and his kids, help him clean and get his daughter off to school in the morning. Now all of a sudden he doesn't want me around? His mother called me today to explain to me that he loves me but just needs time to get things done. I was so embarassed that she called to tell me that. Funny how everytime he's angry with his ex he pushes me away. This happened right before Thanksgiving.No matter who I'm with I always feel like I have to run away for them to want or miss me. I get sick of playing this game.
I'm going out with my friend tonight and I asked my bf if he wanted me to call when I got in and he acted like he didn't care one way or the other.
I really don't want to call and see if he even misses me. His mother said he wouldn't have gave me a ring if he didn't care about me but I sense it is only at his convenience that he wants me around.
My dad's bithday was mon. Jan 4th. my bf knows I'm going through a rough time and he is pulling away from me which hurts so much.
I'm so stupid and keep falling for the same lines over and over again. If he really loved me wouldn't he be concerned as to whether I made it home at night? I give up. I just can't win. I will never find anyone that wants me just as much as I want them, never. It just doesn't exists.
Sorry to pour my guts out again.
oh thats easy to explain. he probably has been hurt before (you said he has an ex), ad is really afraid of putting himself out there. he may see some silly little innocuous thing that reminds him of being hurt and is withdrawing to try and protect himself. its probably the whole which hurts less thing for him.
you said something about him pushing you away when he's mad at his ex. do you know what he's specifically mad about? maybe that would shed some light on whats going on in his mind.
I guess I can understand if he's busy, we can all have a lot of catchup to do after the holidays are over... but it seems that his needing space to "get things done" is too vague to really explain what he's thinking/feeling/doing. What "things" are so life-encompassing that he can't even pick up the phone and call you once in a while or spend some time with you?
On another note, I think you might be making yourself too convenient for the man to appreciate the time he gets to spend with you.
You spent every day for two weeks with him, stayed with him, cleaned, cooked dinner for his family over the holidays?
Then when you left, you have to call him to see if he misses you?
You ask if he wants you to call him when you're back from your night out with the girls?
Let him do the pursueing! It's not that you are running away by any means... but you're giving him the space that he's requesting - and at the same time letting him know that you're perfectly capable of being independant and happy without him all the time. Go out with the girls, and don't call him to let him know you had fun or made it home okay. Then go out with the girls again. Maybe even tell him you're busy every once in a while when he calls you up wanting to spend time together. Be less available.
Quit making all the offers, it is his turn to ask you to spend time with him, it is his turn to call you. If he loves you like he says, he will... but right now it seems he knows you are there, ready for when he's got time. He has a wonderful girlfriend that he can spend time with, but right now he sees that as a convenience and not the opportunity that it really is.
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I think KM has it pretty well summed up. Give him time to miss you. I don't know what it is with men and ex's but they seem to have a harder time letting go if all the baggage.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Thanks again for the advise everyone. My bf was with his ex for 13 yrs. They were never married but have a 9 yr old daughter together, also she has a 15 yr old son which my bf took the responsibility to raise since the child was 1 1/2 so he lives with my bf also.
He said he felt bad that I was just sitting on the couch while he was doing laundry and other house hold chores. He works all day so does the chores at night since the kids won't clean up after themselves. He said he felt like he was boring me and just needed a day every once in a while to get those things done.
He argues with his ex over the cell phone bill since they are on the same plan. She never wants to pay her half. He says he loves me and would never want to be without me in his life. He says he isn't going anywhere.
I went to the counselor and she said that It's my fear of abandonment making me feel this way.
I'm working on my issues.
I agree with WC and KM. Give him time to miss you and while you're "away", you can work on your issues.
You pretty much sort of described the set up of my relationship when my husband and I were still dating, and still learning and sorting our personal issues. He used to push me away when we become too close.
Give him time to sort his issues, since the ex is a hindrance. It is for your own good that he is able to draw the line for the ex who seems to be taking advantage of his good nature.
If he says he isn't going anywhere, believe him. Wait for him to initiate from phone calls, texts and asking you out or visiting. (Read the book All the Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider) I read the book, applied its principles and I still do until now that I am married to him.
What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility. - Leo Tolstoy
The clearest explanation for failure of any marriage is that two people are incompatible; that is, one is male and the other female. - Anna Quindlen
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A guy that loves you will tell you so, he will tell his friends and family so as well. He'll look out for your best interests and try to protect you from harm. He'll try to make sure that you are well taken care of , warm, fed, etc.
Men think so different from us Raven, they really and trully do. It sounds like he is a man that loves a woman. He has given you a ring, his mother knows he loves you, he wants to make sure you get enough attention when you are over so he's trying to make sure that he has a day to get things around the house cleaned up etc so that the time he does spend with you has more quality to it.
We think too much of what we would do in a situation, why didn't he call and such and such because we know we would have... but they don't think like we do. And they don't show their love the way we do, and just because they don't do it the way you'd want them to do it doesn't mean they don't love you.
I think you need to take some deep breaths and not worry so much. It doesn't sound like you fear him straying, or even really leaving, but more so that you are worrying that he is going to spend this time alone and just want more and more of it until you are pushed away clean. It doesn't sound like thats what is happening there.
It sounds like he just wants to enjoy the time he has with you a little better than he is getting to do with all his stuff going on. I don't pretend to know how you feel about helping him with that stuff or if you do... but why not get in there and fold laundry with him while he's doing it. 1. It'll make the job go faster, 2. It's an activity you to can do together and talk and play while you help him straighten up. Its no less engaging than watching tv together.
Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.
I think that he's more independent than you sweet, and rightly so ,he is bringing up a child/teenager and doesn't want you slaving at his house doing those things.
He wants to do them and therefore, he want's some "me time" to do them....
Boys are boys they aren't going to ring and say did you get home alright? They may ask you next time they speak to you though, "did you have a good time?"...
I agree with your concellor, it's your fear sweet.
And, obviously his Mother adores you too as he's confided in her and she's stepped in to try to explain it to you.
You may actually have a good one this time, smile
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
Thanks eveyone!
I read all of your comments and they all sound acurate.
My bf is helping paint my bedroom and do things around my house also. He told me not to worry so much. He says he will never go back with his ex because they are just two different people. He said hetried to make it work for the kids and that he didn't want his family split up. He said he never thought he would find anyone like me who has the same standards and morals as he does. He said his ex and his family said he would never find anyone like me either and now that he has he says he's happy and doesn't want anyone else.
He invited me to band practice with im tonight.
Tomorrow night I think I will tell him first before he says he needs a night to get things done.
I think I will tell him I'm gonna stay home. We sleep over each others houses probably 4 or 5 times a week. we are together a lot more then I was with any of my bf's since 1993.
Counselor says now that I've found the affection and attention I've been deprived of for so long I grab on to every moment as if I'm starved.
His mother does like me but I'm just a really sensitive person and kinda took offense when she called me. I know I shouldn't have because she was only trying to help.
I think I do need a little "me " time also. I'm starting to gain weight and feel really burned out.
Stupid little things like painting my toe nails are things I don't seem to be keeping up with,lol.
I'm so glad I have all of you here to help me out and listen and respond to me everytime I write with a problem. I feel like this is my support group!
Thanks you so much!
Aweee, we love you too
I don't know, you don't have to take the bull by the horn by saying, "I think I'll stay home" tomorrow night
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
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