My SO the weekend the way we left it, the question at hand

**Ahryin** · 01-11-2010 01:16 PM

Please stick with me on this one i'm talking to you guys as well as myself. I'm not looking for answers as much as real life opinions. After looking over my previous post on this site I can see my growth in security within myself and judgement as well.

This weekend many of you know I went away with my SO. I had a wonderful, relaxing, fun weekend. Every moment I spend with him I smile. We share so many hobbies, and likes as well as dislikes. This weekend we were emersed in our true element and it amused me to see just how much we have in common. Then it happened...we had...the TALK (dundundun) *yes I just did the sound effect* WH, he doesn't love me...the fact of the matter is he doesnt love me. Everything I thought I heard, thought I saw, thought I felt boils down to me being wrong. I am faced with the realization that I was WRONG. Yes he cares about me, yes I make him happy, yes he enjoys being around me....NO he does not love me. Now take a moment to let that sink in...and let me explain.
My SO has had a very hard life. He was hurt in the most dispicable way by another woman and has (as I realized this sunday) lived with that on his heart for many many years. He explained to me that his heart has hardened and he does not want to hurt me. He does not want me to make plans including him in my future he wants us to live for today taking things day by day. Yet he doesn't understand that his saying that was like a knife in my heart. Though truthfully I did not express that. He tells me he is not seeing any other women and admits to having his moments where his personal space is needed. With everything said on this site we all agree that honesty is the best policy, well he was very honest, and it hurt. It still hurts. I realize that I can walk away right now and he wont say a word, he wouldn't fight for me, he wouldn't contest it...he would let me go. Yet with every touch, every caress, every word that he utters towards me all I feel is love. I have been pondering to myself all day how I could be so wrong. He says he tries to treat me as I should be treated which I admit he does but there is just so much uncertainty. How can I not plan for a future with a person that I love. WH not only do I love him but I am in love with him. If I could find the female that hurt him so I would do bodily harm to her! I love him that much that the fact that she hurt him hurts me.
He is not saying he wants to step away, he is not saying he wants me to step away...he is saying he wants to take it day by day. I know thats not hard to do, but it is a hard concept to accept. I can not deal with anyone else, I don't want to deal with anyone else, I can not fathome him dealing with someone else...so now I feel trapped. Leaving him, loosing him at this point would cause me intense pain. The last time we spent time apart I felt as if I couldn't breathe and it didn't get any better, it was the same pain for 6wks day in and day out.
I realize that being strong does not mean you must be void of emotion. Even though it would be painful I know life would go on but I don't want a life without him. So I'm faced with an uncertain future, with an unplanned future. At times I think i'm blowing this thing out of proportion, that since I am happy I should just leave things well enough alone. I know people who have been together 9yrs before marriage. Also I say to myself, since he was hurt so badly what if he really just needs me to be there, to stick by him, to be the person that doesn't give up on him and to show patience and compassion. Isn't that what love is?

**sourpuss** · 01-11-2010 01:56 PM

How long have you two been together?

To me this sounds like the classic man/woman situation. We've all been hurt, we all have trust issues and opening up after being hurt is always hard. But we women can't help but think and daydream about the future when we are with someone we really care about, it's just what we do.

Men don't do this, at least none I've ever met. I think the only way to keep what you have and possibly have a future is to honestly just relax and take it day by day. The only way he's going to open up and come to love you as much as you love him, is over time. You can't pressure him to feel something he either doesn't feel or is too scared to admit, or too scared to allow it to happen. If he's just scared of being hurt, the only thing that will change that is being consistent and over time seeing that you aren't going to hurt him.

If you can just let go of the future and enjoy your moments with him in the now, I think you will both be a lot happier with the situation. If you walk now, it will never happen. If you pressure him into something he's not ready for, it will never happen. BUT, if you let go of expectations and enjoy your relationship for what it is, then it MAY happen in the future. There are no guarantees in life, of course. It may never happen. But if you give it a chance now, at least you have a good thing going for the moment. It's a hard concept to grasp, but in the end it's worth it.

**Ahryin** · 01-11-2010 01:59 PM

It will be 2yrs in late june technically early July. I have considered that which doesn't make it any easier to follow suit

**Texinator** · 01-11-2010 02:12 PM

I see something positive in this.

It is not uncommon for people to hold on to past hurts. Men are even more guilty of this than women. Many do not realize that the past is the past and that each new person also deserves a new chance. Though I realize it's easier said than done..

But what is very different in your case is that he realizes what is going on. Most other men in this situation simply pull away and shut down emotionally, and then they blame the woman for being too demanding if she's not happy with this result.

So I think that is a big plus. It could be that he does truly love you but does not realize it or does not want to admit it (out of fear of being hurt again). And even if he isn't in love with you and is simply making an effort to make you happy, that's still not as bad as it could be.

I agree with him and sourpuss.. just take it one day at a time. Enjoy it for what it is. Just because he doesn't want to talk about a future doesn't mean there isn't one. You could still be together in 20 years.

**KMonte85** · 01-11-2010 02:17 PM

Well, even among all the uncertainty, there is one thing that you can focus on and make a definitive decision on. What do YOU want for your future?

If you are fine spending your life with a man who may never be able to truly love you because he makes you happy regardless?

Are you ok with the prospect that if you stay with him, you may never get married or start a family?

Does the idea of taking the rest of your romantic life day-by-day seem like too much, or is it something you can handle as long as that romantic life is spent with him?

It seems you're at a bit of a crossroad. It is time to internalize and evaluate what it is that you want, what it is that makes you happy, and what you need to be happy in the future. He may be the one if you are okay with the circumstances that come with being with a man so emotionally closed off. Or you may find that there is something lacking within the relationship and it is too big of a sacrifice for you to keep it going.

In any case, I think you need to do what is best for YOU. It was not you that emotionally scarred him so badly, and yet he has taken it upon himself to do what is best for him - that being keeping his distance from you. Don't feel like you need to stay out of obligation to a wounded soul. You've given him 2 years of your unconditional love, and you need to look within your own heart and decide if you can continue or if it is best for your soul to move on.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-11-2010 02:18 PM

Everything in life is 50/50..

Everything in life takes work to make it stronger.

Everthing in a relationship takes two.

Your faced with baggage and with that baggage comes fear. Two years is a long time to care about someone but not let any feelings, strong feelings, occur, eventuate, but then there has been breakups in that two years, and other thoughts of love from you, in confusion to what you want. So, in effect, maybe it's the "feel sorry" part that has pulled at your heart strings so much in this relationship, or now more so the fact that he has denied love. Your a strong woman whom no doesn't actually mean no. It means how to I counteract and change and make it a yes.

What we all search for is love, true love, we may not even search physically but mentally await. But that love is un-conditional and two souls meeting. How many years can we waste each time with someone to make them love us? Or in hope that they do?

CW

**empty vase** · 01-11-2010 02:23 PM

2 years is a long time. it's really upto you, what do YOU think you should do. it could be that if u leave he might realize he cares for you more than he thinks or it could be a gamble. if things are "going good" now do you really wanna mess things up? my fear is that you stick by him and you choose to take it a day at a time and he turns around oneday and says it aint working. i believe that everyone knows the answer to their problem deep inside, it's just hard for them to admit it and accept it. whats your gut telling you?

hope i wasn't too hard, i just really feel for you.

**sourpuss** · 01-11-2010 02:32 PM

In his defense, I don't think that at a year and half, taking it day by day is unreasonable. Especially for someone with a lot of fear associated with relationships. If I were you, I'd allow myself to enjoy what I have at the moment and see if it grows in to something more. Show him and tell him you love him, without expecting anything in return. I think you'll know the answer by the summertime if you do that.

**newhere808** · 01-11-2010 02:34 PM

This is a rough spot to be in, and I feel for you, but like Tex said, at least there is seemingly some light at the end of the tunnel. I've always felt that even though both sexes are more than capable of getting hurt, men seem to hold onto it longer and let it effect them a bit more. The first girl I was really in love with hurt me very badly, and I didn't open up to anyone again for nearly 6 years afterwards.

I can definately understand why you would feel so terribly about it, you love him, and you want to be with him down the road, and to hear that he is not on that page will hurt, no matter how the statement was intended. I respect him for being fair to you about it, though after two years i'm a little surprised that this has not come up before.

The hard choice that I see is that you can take it day to day with him and hope his heart softens, or you can let him know what you want for the two of you (provided you haven't already) and make a decision based on his response. It's a risk either way. If you are ok with the idea of being stuck in limbo with him until he can make up his mind either way, then I would say enjoy the time the two of you have together, and hold onto the idea that it will last. But if you need some sort of closure you may have to just lay it out for him to prevent it from eating at you from this point on.

I would like to say though, that unless he word for word told you that he doesn't love you, then I would say that he prolly does. Even if he won't attach the word "love" to it, I don't see how he couldn't based on what you've said of your relationship, that word my carry a lot of pain for him and he doesn't want to associate that pain with his feelings of you.

I think you should hang in there with him and maybe weigh out what is more important, being with him now, or the idea of being with him 15 years from now.

I wish you the best of luck though, that's a hard spot to be in

**Ahryin** · 01-11-2010 02:35 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

How many years can we waste each time with someone to make them love us? Or in hope that they do?

CW

There is the biggest question of them all. Yes you are correct we have had two major break ups in the time we have spent together both lasting 6wks each. So does that count against me or for me..lol I believe him and I have reached a level of understanding when it comes to respect for each other. I'm happy that he is aware of his emotional state because that means he has put some thought into it. However I am a planner. Yes i'm strong but is this something I need to be concerned with. How long is to long? If i'm happy is it better to be happy without a label vs unhappy with one? How many women do we come accross with marriage issues and concerns, deciet, trickery, abuse...Then I think about this....My father made my mother happy, happier than any other man has in her life. He was separated from my sisters mother but not divorced. She gave him an a choice marry or she would leave...well she left. All of her life she has searched for that Happiness my father provided and by the time she realized that no one else could provide it, he died. I don't want that for my life. So once again i'm at a cross road