Support needed, husband leaving again

**saklamara** · 01-15-2010 06:54 AM

Hi all,

i was going through the net trying to find some sense in life and i found this site.
To make the story short, my husband cheated on me a year ago but then we decided to try and make it work. We even changed countries!.
Then last December i caught him texting again and i asked him to make a decision.
He is moving out this weekend. And what i dont understand is how he can do this and at the same time tell me that he loves me and wants to see me happy and see my eyes shine again. How can he move out and tell me that he feels too much for this girl and sees no future with me anymore.
I am trying to be smart about it thinking that it is probably for the best but it hurts so bad i can hardly breath.
I have asked good friends of mine to come over and they will be here next weekend, until then i don't really know how i will manage, especially tomorrow when he packs his things and leaves.

**kygirl** · 01-15-2010 07:11 AM

I can only imagine what you must be going through. I know right now, you must feel like things are as low as they can go, but they're not... You will come through this as well. As much as it hurts to have him leave, he has obviously made his decision. Would you want to stay with someone who will never love you the way you deserve to be loved??

Be with friends as much as you can. Take up a new hobby. Keep yourself busy as much as possible.... Most importantly, trust that in time, you'll get through this... You will move on and you will find someone who truly loves you and wants to be with you.

*hugs*

**WildChild** · 01-15-2010 07:23 AM

It sounds like he playing head games with himself and you. He has to know this hurts you, telling you he loves you and wants to see you happy is a way trying to lessen the understanding that HIS actions are the source of the pain. But he's done this before, chances are he'll do it again, do you really want that in your life?

You are have a true heart, he doesn't. You felt he was right for you but obviously anyone who would do this to you isn't right for you. It will hurt - badly, for a while. Taking time to grieve for the death of the relationship is important but so is ensuring you don't wallow in it. It's good you've got friends coming out, get out and do things with them. Eventually you will come to see that this also creates new opportunities for you.

Are you financially dependent on him? Do you plan to move back to your country?

**KMonte85** · 01-15-2010 07:23 AM

I'm very sorry that you have to go through this.

You were a strong woman before, taking your husband back, working the marriage out... many women would cut and run! It takes a lot of patience, love, and courage to stay through that.

You need to be strong now too. He was selfish, and made a decision that would affect the both of you. He wasn't strong enough to keep working on the relationship.. he ran.

Let him run... know that you are going to persevere! It is going to be a very tough transition for you, but try to realize that he's doing you a favor. He is now letting you go so you can find your own happiness and no longer have to be treated poorly by someone who is supposed to love you.

Maybe try to not be in the house while he packs his things and leaves... its may be too emotional for you. Let him get his stuff and get out by himself, he didn't make his decision to move on with you, so why should you have to be there when he moves out!

Take this situation you're in as an opportunity, but do take time to work through your feelings with your friends and family. Cry it out, mourn for the loss of the relationship, then pick yourself up and start living! You need time to work through your emotions, but you should also look towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

**saklamara** · 01-15-2010 07:44 AM

Thank you all for the swift reply... All what you have said i have tought of but i guess is easier if you hear it over and over again.
To your question, no i am not financially dependent. I actually make more money than him . But there is a catch. He is half spaniard and i we were in the process of getting me the spanish nationality (which makes it easier to work in the EU), of course i could ask the company to arrange for a work visa for me but it is still frightening.
It terrifies me to think that one day he will decided to go back to Spain (where this girl lives), then it will all be really over.
And yes, i guess i will try to get out of the house while he is packing.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-15-2010 02:23 PM

Know your self worth.

He cheated on you physically and now he's cheated on you emotionally, regardless of the love, and the pain, stand tall and walk away because someone else out there wants to treat you like the princess you deserve to be..

CW

**shikiraclare** · 01-17-2010 11:42 AM

You have had so many replies, but wanted to give you some support like the others have here.

Detaching yourself from your husband whilst you and he are still married to each other isn't something that is going to happen quickly on a practical or emotional level. You have been left traumatized by his betrayal and whilst he goes off to Spain; he leaves not only you; but the commitment he promised to you when you got married.

Before you can even begin to detach yourself as a wife; he needs to ensure that he has divorce proceedings in place because he cannot expect of you to find happiness in the near future if you are still a married woman but without the husband. Separation is one of the most painful experiences there can be, so no matter what you do to try and avoid it; it will eventually flood out in it's own way. My best advice to you is to perhaps go and see your GP and tell him/her that you have just gone through a separation and need to talk to someone to help you work through things at a time when you most need support (Relate) is an excellent counseling service.

Friends are great but not always impartial and can feel helpless themselves not knowing how to make you feel better but it's good that you will have some familiar company soon.

If your husband is doing nothing about giving you a divorce then you will need to contact a solicitor because how can you possibly move on from him when you are still his wife? - Being abandoned once is enough; but twice you need to draw the line and simply because the more you learn to tolerate a husband who can't commit to you; the likelihood is, is that you will be the one to walk away sooner or later so this, as painful as it is, is an ideal time to take back control of your life.

**sourpuss** · 01-17-2010 12:12 PM

I know that last thing you want to think about right now is finances and citizenship. But please make sure (especially since you make the majority of the money) that you are protected in the event of a divorce. Make sure to get his name off any joint accounts and/or credit cards. Gather records of all assets that you own together.

He's obviously living his life for himself at this point. You seem like an intelligent, independent woman, so you should live your life for you as well.

**saklamara** · 01-20-2010 04:59 AM

So it has been only 5 days since my husband moved out and i feel completely down. It certainly doesnt help that i see him every day (we work at the same company, go to the same language school). I was also going through his computer files and i noticed he is going next weekend to Spain to meet this girl.
And all i can think off is how much i wish that this girl meets some random "more than perfect guy" develops a love at first sight thing for him and leaves my husband alone.
But then again i am trying to convince my self that the man i love is nowhere to be found inside my husband. I love the man that used to love me with all his heart, not the guy he is now... i am just not yet convinced.
I guess it is even more painful because he is trying to be sweet and understanding, he is even checking on me on a daily basis. What am i supossed to answer when he ask how i am doing....
Not much of a week for me

**Joy** · 01-20-2010 05:48 AM

This is blurb in your life..... greater things are meant to be. Let go of him and the negative and great postitive changes will come to you. I wish you happiness today