Being Ready to Love....

**kygirl** · 01-15-2010 06:58 AM

I dated a guy a few years back that I really thought I might marry. We had a whirlwind relationship and were inseperable for 3 1/2 months. Then one day, he called me and told me he had to end it because he wasn't ready for a relationship. The long and short of it is that he's probably going to be single the rest of his life because he just will most likely never get there (it's been 3 years)...

The issue is....

I haven't truly loved anyone I've dated or even really dated someone I might truly love, since this all happened. Prior to this relationship, I was always the one to leave, or I at least had some indication that it was coming... When he broke up with me I missed 3 days of work and lost 11 pounds in a week. I was absolutely crushed. I'd never had anyone hurt me so badly...

For the first time in a long time, I think I am finally ready to love. J has kind of helped to get me to that point. He just has this way of breaking down my walls a lot like the ex did with the exception, that I feel like he is much more open to love and commitment.

I'm still so scared though. I told myself I would never be hurt like that again. I've continuously dated guys who were not and had no chance of being "the one". I've pushed people away as soon as there is any sign of doubt... I don't want to be that way now, but the thought of having someone be capable of hurting me that way again absolutely terrifies me...

I'm still not sure how to truly get over that, but I feel myself falling for this guy already whether I want to or not. I really don't want to mess it up?!

**WildChild** · 01-15-2010 07:12 AM

So far as I can see, you can do two things, one is to be honest with him and tell him you think you are falling for him but don't want to let it move too fast as you don't want this to be a flash in the pan.

The other is that you are simply going to have go take the risk and be consciously open, knowing that you could get hurt again but that the alterative is to have no chance of finding love. It is hard and yes, you could get hurt. I opened up consciously and thought I'd found the love of my life but he can't move past his pain and pulled away and I've been badly hurt. I know it will take time but I will probably try again. Either I'm a really slow learner or very persistant, depending on your perspective. It's the only thing you can do. I understand your concerns, being open and vulnerable that way is scary. My personal belief is that we are here to learn and grow and that we should have our greatest growth in a loving relationship. Some of us never get there but if you give up and wall your heart in, then you have denied yourself any possiblity of it happening.

**Texinator** · 01-15-2010 07:13 AM

Originally Posted by kygirl

I told myself I would never be hurt like that again.

You can only guarantee to never get hurt like that again if you never allow yourself to get close to anyone again. In which case you shouldn't be dating at all..

But you want to date and you want to find 'the one', and so you have to let go of your fears from the past. The man you're dating now is not the one who hurt you.. it's only fair to both you and him then that you don't approach this relationship with the expectation that something bad is going to happen.

When you ride a bicycle and a fall, do you decide to never ride again, to only ride at the slowest possible speed from now on, or do you get back on and keep riding?

WC has 'We can only learn to love by loving.' as her signature. I suppose you could also say 'you can only learn to be loved by letting yourself loved.'

**pretzel** · 01-15-2010 07:23 AM

Ky,

Listen to WC and Tex. They are ABSOLUTELY right.

Living in a shell out of fear of being hurt is way more harmful than learning from the past.

**kygirl** · 01-15-2010 07:37 AM

I know you are all right. I also know that generally they way to get over any fear is to face it. It's just a bit overwhelming to me right now as to what I'd been doing the last few years. I didn't even realize (even though I believe friends tried to tell me) that I was sabotaging myself the entire time.

I just wish I could truly believe it's all going to work out. I know that may take some time. I just hate I get so worked up over this...

**Texinator** · 01-15-2010 07:41 AM

There are two reasons why you need to move forward..

One, obviously so that you can be happy

Two, so in 3 1/2 months you don't call him and tell him you need to end it because you're not ready for a relationship

**pretzel** · 01-15-2010 07:46 AM

Originally Posted by kygirl

I just wish I could truly believe it's all going to work out. I know that may take some time. I just hate I get so worked up over this...

Well if everyone knew things were going to right from the beginning life would not be as exciting (and painful) as it is.

We can only do our best..........................

**kygirl** · 01-15-2010 07:53 AM

I think the whole thing has just taken me by surprise. I mean, I know that's how love goes sometimes

It's just been so long since it's happened and I've dated a LOT of guys the last three years.

But he is such an amazing guy... he treats me differently than all the guys I've let myself date the last few years. And it does scare me...but at the same time, the excitement is equally present.

I think I might have convinced myself I couldn't love or shouldn't love or whatever. This has all been a reminder that I can't plan everything. Sometimes it just happens...

And Tex, you're right... I don't want to be telling him that I'm not ready... If I'm going to take a chance, I should do it on someone who deserves and just throw in all my cards... If not, I'm going to regret it....

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-15-2010 08:07 AM

Reading your post ky, just taught me something about my own self. For the first time in so very very long... I love someone, and believe that he loves me. I've noticed my tendency to run for the hills when he shows any sign he could potentially hurt me LATER. As an example...Like when I get mad at him, its usually not what he's done at all, but deep down the fear he wants something else besides me... and if thats true, might leave me when he finds it.

So what do I do ? I pack up my junk (figuratively) at the first sign, everytime, that I think the potential to hurt me is present. Why? Because the last guy that hurt me, hurt me deep enough for me to think being with someone wasn't worth the trouble, loving wasn't worth the hurt.

But I've learned to quit finding monsters that aren't under the bed, KY. To quit worrying about what may be or not be and instead focus on what is. Love IS worth the potential of being hurt. Sitting on the sidelines so as to not get hurt is not living life to its fullest. Take this from a person that spent many years on the sidelines watching other people live it until I finally decided to get in and have my go.

Even when people marry... as we see on these very boards... sometimes its just not forever, promises can be made and just as easily broken and hearts can be devistated. But to keep your heart boxed and collecting dust to avoid the possiblity of it being hurt is such a waste.

I'm not saying go out there with blinders on and just fall in love and pay no attention to signs, do pay attention... but don't look for them where there is none, don't jump the gun to stop short of giving someone the power to hurt you. And that is what falling in love is... its saying here.. take my heart, its yours... please treat it kindly, you can keep it for as long as you are good to it... and if you must return it a little dinged up... well thats life.. just please try to keep it in one peice.

But all that being said... you DO... have to be careful who you give it to, there has to be trust established. You can't will nilly be giving such a precious commodity away to anyone asking for it. But when someone deserves it.... don't deny them, or you.

Because those butteflies when they are near, that feeling of warmth in your chest that spreads throughout your entire body when they hold you, that feeling of euphoria when they kiss the top of your head and tell you those 3 words. Its worth it.

**kygirl** · 01-15-2010 08:13 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Because those butteflies when they are near, that feeling of warmth in your chest that spreads throughout your entire body when they hold you, that feeling of euphoria when they kiss the top of your head and tell you those 3 words. Its worth it.

That literally made me tear up HD... You're totally right...the butterflies, the feeling of being so close to another person, the feelings when the "I love you"s finally come out...they are totally worth it. And it's definitely time for me to take my heart out of the box and to follow my heart and trust someone to love me again.

Thanks for your comments!