The Heat of Crushes

**SnowFall** · 01-27-2010 11:49 AM

I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years (living together for 1 1/2). It's the most comfortable, loving, full-filling partnership I've ever known. We are constantly hugging or snuggling, holding hands, and we have great sex 1-2 a week.

In the past year, I've developed crushes on a handful of other men. I've read that attractions to other men are normal, so I guess I shouldn't feel guilty about my inherent human biology. However, what's been weighing on my mind lately is the strong passionate urge -- I kind of weak kneed heat -- I feel in the presence of a crush. It isn't the impulse to act. I know I love my boyfriend, and that we have trust and intimacy beyond the honeymoon stage. It's the chemical rush of being in that "newness" is gone. I get into sex with my boyfriend because of our connection, and it makes me happy (I've even developed new ways to come), but I no longer get that thrill of passion if he reaches for my hand, or comes up behind me at the sink.

My question is this: is this natural in a 3 year relationship, and does the newness of a crush always get your juices roaring faster, if not deeper? I feel guilty that it takes me longer to feel heat with my man.

**SnowFall** · 01-27-2010 11:59 AM

I should also add that we did initially start out very hot and heavy, perhaps the greatest immediate chemistry I had ever had.

**kygirl** · 01-27-2010 12:01 PM

SnowFall,

I think to some extent, anything new will always feel more , well, new... I believe when you're with someone for an extended period of time, other things start to overtake some of the "gaga" that might have been present , but it is also replaced with a deeper connection of love and respect that you don't really have when you first start seeing someone...

Everything in life is a tradeoff... It is up to you to decide for yourself... I know the sparks and "heat" as you put it is nice, but as someone who hasn't had a long relationship in some time, trust me... the other stuff is nice to have as well and is much harder to find...

**Hopeless Dork** · 01-27-2010 12:20 PM

A lot of people have the inhibility to stay in a relationship because of there dependency on that new, rush like feeling you speak of.

See thing is, if you hook up with a crush, that rush thing will also pass with them eventually, the newness gone... then someone else will come along and spark it... and so on and so and so on.

We all then have the choice to decide to just become involved in serial relationships, crush, infactuation, once it becomes comfortable moving on the the next thing radiating heat and intensity.

But I think most people deep down prefer to be with that one that loves them and they love and care for... to have that connection over the rush of some new fling. But both are not mutually exclusive. You can, with some effort, bring the newness and rush feelings back into your comfy relationship.

Things like sexual exploration, role playing, getting involved in some exciting activity together, bungee jumping... etc.. taking a class in something that intimidates you, public speaking, dance, etc... there are other ways to feel a rush of excitement than someone new, you just gotta be willing to go there

**newhere808** · 01-29-2010 12:15 AM

Originally Posted by SnowFall

I know I love my boyfriend, and that we have trust and intimacy beyond the honeymoon stage. It's the chemical rush of being in that "newness" is gone.

This is what you need to hold onto, and is something that eludes many couples, and that is why they do not last. The impulsive nature of a crush is just that, impulsive. After that impulsive urge has been fulfilled, what is left? Typically nothing, which is why there are a bunch of people that wonder around the casual sex scene, they rarely find that connection because their attraction is based on an impulsive need to fulfill an urge or desire. Not to speak ill of any that are into that, to each their own afterall.

Some people are more prone to impulsive actions, the important thing is that you don't act on it. As HD mentioned there are a lot of ways to try and breath that back into a relationship, it's all on the willingness to make it happen.

**GlitterAndStuds** · 01-29-2010 09:20 AM

I agree completely with the other posters. While I do think it's normal to have "crushes" while you're in a relationship - it happens, they're different and it makes you wonder - I think it's MUCH more important to hold on to what you have and grow with that person. Granted, I don't think anyone just stops noticing a nice looking person as soon as they're in a committed relationship. But like the others have said, new things don't stay new. The same thing happens with anything once you've had it long enough.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with your boyfriend. I think when you stop and think about all the wonderful things you have, you'll feel a different kind of rush with him. I've been with my boyfriend for over a year, and while I'm used to the little things he does, I appreciate that he still does them. I still get really excited when I'm leaving work because I'll be seeing him soon. I still smile every time I get a text from him. And I'm more comfortable being myself with him than with anyone. When you have a bond like that with someone, no one else matters.

Things like this keep me feeling that passion for him way more than any newer guys.