What now?

**ivorytower** · 01-31-2010 09:37 AM

I find myself in a very bad place today. I split up from my husband after he cheated on me twice and after two years was rebuilding my life when an old friend from 25 years ago came back in to my life. He is a married man and altough i knew it wanst right we started seeing eachother. I was convinced he was my chance to be happy and we both felt the same way. Today he has left and says he cant carry on the way we are but cant leave his wife. I feel totaly heartbroken and i dont know where to start to rebuild my life again.

It was so hard the first time and im not sure i have the strength of the will to do it again.
Any advice welcome.
I know this is all my fault and i suppose i got what i deserve.

**sourpuss** · 01-31-2010 10:31 AM

It's always hard at first and we will all probably say the same thing: Time will heal.
I know that doesn't help much, but it's true.
I'm a big proponent of spending a significant amount of time alone and single to really evaluate what you want for yourself, not just in terms of relationships with men, but life in general. It seems when you figure out the other things (what you want out of your career, yourself, your friends, etc) the relationship stuff seems to drop in your lap when you aren't expecting it.

You knew the relationship was wrong in the first place but it filled a void that was there before. Fill this void (and I hate using that term because it sounds like we need men to complete us, and we don't) but fill it with nurturing yourself. Find a hobby you like that gets you out of the house and makes you feel good. Volunteer with an organization in your town that makes you focus on others rather than yourself.

If you make your life better, for you, your relationships will be better as well.

**WildChild** · 01-31-2010 11:10 AM

Sounds like he was your rebound. You knew you shouldn't be there but it was easy and tempting. I agree with sourpuss, take sometime to find out who you are on your own.

**caterpillar79** · 01-31-2010 11:12 AM

Hugs... Take care.

**Iseulda** · 01-31-2010 11:46 AM

You deserve love and happiness - so no, you did not get what you deserve. Please stop thinking like that. You are only human. Yes, you were involved with a married man but he is the one who promised to be faithful to her so the ultimate responsibility is his. You know, as do we, that you are not completely blameless but being hard on yourself about it is not going to help. Please don't beat yourself up.

How do you pick up and start again? Well, I think sourpuss makes a good point. You make it about yourself. It may sound a little silly, but try falling in love with yourself. Spoil yourself, buy yourself little presents just because, have a bit of a wardrobe make over, new hair-do, pursue a hobby - either a new one or get back into something that maybe you gave up when you first got married. For example, I used to sketch a bit before I married and when I married it was something I could no longer find time for - he didn't stop me doing it but I started doing more stuff with him and didn't have time for it. When my marriage ended I took it back up - I find it very relaxing, it's something I do just for me.

Sorry for the slightly hippy dippy phrase but find yourself. Make yourself happy. Once you are happy who knows, someone may come along who can share that with you.

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