Do you think women who had abusive fathers search for father figures?

**SecretlySad** · 02-02-2010 08:43 PM

I grew up in a home where my father ruled the roost. My mother was completely frightened/intimidated by him (especially because he used to get drunk and hit her often) and I was always taught to keep my mouth tightly shut and my feelings to myself so my father wouldn't fly off the handle.
As some of you know, years later I have ended up with a much older man (17 years) who I often feel like I am very inferior to. I am not sure if I have mentioned my dad in previous posts.
If he advises me of something and I question or doubt him he makes me feel terrible about it, kind of saying I know what I am talking about, don't doubt me, I have been there because I'm older. I know he is only trying to advise me but I need and want to learn things for myself.
Recently he told me he would be better to pick out a lounge for our house because he has had much more experience living out of home than I have. We were talking about something unrelated the other day and he said 'that's making me angry', just like my dad used to, and I got the same sweaty palmed sick in the stomach nervous feeling I used to when my dad would say those exact words.
Even though he really is a great guy to me and would never EVER physically harm me, I have intense doubts about our relationship and I have been trying for a long time now to figure out why.
Do you think my upbringing has something to do with it? Am I just looking for someone to care for me like my dad didn't?

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-02-2010 09:12 PM

I think it factors in, do all people with an abusive father seek out men to repeat the control cycle in their life? No. Do some? Absolutely. I was abused as a child, not by my father but by another trusted adult male family member... it wasn't until a few years ago that I made a connection that it may have played a major role in my promiscuity (with much older men) in my teens, my low self-esteem (to this very day) and a number of other things.

I've known women that had awesome dads and still dated men 10- 15 and 1 even 20 years their senior. I have a friend that was sexually abused by her father and has always preferred men distinctly different than her dad. She wont date, never has...anyone in her race because she doesn't want anyone to even have the smallest resemblence of him.

We all handle abuse differently... I do think that a lot of people in general that were raised in chaos tend seek out chaos , whether they realize it or not. People that have watched a parent be abused, more likely to wind up in an abusive situation.

**newhere808** · 02-02-2010 09:30 PM

I think it may take you a bit of time to be able to see similarities with you guy and your father and not have those same reactions, you were so young afterall and it was an immensly hurtful experience.

I think the important thing is that you care for him and he cares for you properly, outside of that, who cares as to the why? You have eachother, and unless he gives you a reason to question that (I sincerely hope he never does) then don't worry too much about it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-02-2010 09:31 PM

Follow your gut feeling.

If I was a psychiatrist, I would probably say to you, that, you wanted your Daddy to love you and he didn't show that to you, and so your searching for that now, for closure as you haven't dealt with it.

But, I would also say to you that, most men (not boys), will still feel like a father figure in a way, as they are "men"... So you don't have to go out with an older man to get that love you justly deserve and there is no good to come of it, going out with someone whom reminds you of your Father and that being, something you didn't like in your life, your living day by day through a simular pattern, thing over and over and over...

CW

**emily100** · 02-04-2010 11:20 AM

I think each situation has its own variants. In my case, I was abused by my father but was also his favorite child and he adored me. The message I got was different then the message you got no doubt. I've never searched for father figures in the men I get attracted to but yet they do remind me of my father except they are my own age. I am now in a relationship with a good man at long last, a healthier version of my father.

**sperosi** · 02-04-2010 11:44 AM

i think there is something to "Do you think women who had abusive fathers search for father figures?", but maybe the word abusive isnt the one i'd pick.

I'd think it's more about what's missing with their fathers, than the abuse per se. women who didnt have fathers in their lives, or fathers who were physically or emotionally not present when they were growing up seem to have very similar patterns.

we all just want daddy and mommy to love us, to show us how to love and be loved. when we dont get it from them, we often seek it out from others (transference?) and sometimes from those who fit the same pattern as the person we wished it to be to begin with.

I think that HD hit it on the head. people who were raised in one set of circumstances tend to seek out or be drawn to the same set of circumstances, because it is what they are used to, even if it isnt the healthiest place to be.