Hey everyone! need suggestions?...got a loooooong story..

**sarahlee20** · 02-04-2010 12:12 AM

Hey everyone my name is Sarah. I am 22 years old. I am new to this site. I am not sure which section this goes in but i figured since this is about my fiance and family and relationships.i should get this off my chest..maybe get some suggestions?

However i had some things on my mind about my fiance and i.

We've been together a little over a year live together with my mom and her husband in the same household. I met my fiance online via pogo.

We talked and wrote letters back in fourth for 4 months straight until we met in august 2008. However Now being 2010..Lately I've been feeling very confused about where we're going.

We've also been engaged too.He is my 4th bf and I am his first gf.The big difference that's bothering me well if you can say that. Is that mentally we are on two different pages i think,we're both 22 but the fact is that I'm WAY more mature than he is. I am sure a lot of people say this about 22 year old and that's fine.( No offense to anyone male 22 year old reading this )It just gets so frustrating sometimes.

Just simple everyday things i have to remind him of. When we first got together it never seemed to bother me until this last year.Another thing that i try not to do but he has this male friend at work who is so mature and lives on his own with his gf and they just seem so grown up and "together".

Recently I've just been i guess comparing and wishing i could have that too. I hate to compare and make my fiance' feel bad.My fiance is so sweet and isn't a bad person at all. I just wish he was just a little more grown up.I just fear with his past and problems and his immaturity level.

I don't know what would be the best thing for us.I don't know what to do.The thing is that not only is he immature but has had problems in the past that have recently been brought up as him being a compulsive gambler.

Now I've been behind him and supporting him 100%. We recently started attending GA every Sunday. I've been trying to be supporting and as loving as i can.I'm not going to lie it's taken a big tole on us and our relationship as a couple.b Recently we've been really bickering and we hardly ever bickered before.

I love him with my whole heart. He's the one true love i can say that I've He's loved me through and through and is always there for me.Which means a lot to me.

I am debating whether to wait it out and give him time to mature? Or See what else where our lives take us? He cares and loves me and wants to please me, helping me etc.

I just worry about the future and his gambling? us growing apart? things of that nature. I mean growing up he didn't have the best life or home life so to speak.

Another factor being that we grew up so differently. I had everything lived in a stable home and family life. I am just too afraid that due to his upbringing he won't ever mature up and be the man i need him to be. I mostly just sometimes see him as a "boy"i want us to get married and later down the road bring a family into this world. I am willing to do whatever it takes but lately been feeling so exhausted and wondering just how much is this relationship going to take. The biggest worries I can say to sum up my tread is this? When is sometimes in a relationship is enough ever really enough?

Should i continue and take a break till he grows up or just ride it out? Any Suggestions?

Like i said he's everything i could want in a person,loving,kind giving,understanding helpful,patient,amazing loving meaningful sex...everything the whole package. He's also a very hard working and goes to school full time and works part time. So i mean he's not immature in that respect.

So i mean there's a lot of good stuff. I also think another major issue that frustrates me is that we live with my mom and her now husband. They just got married in Las Vegas this upcoming weekend. Like i said he also lives with us...anyways I thing i don't like about her husband is that he isn't the best influence on my hubby,

When the gambling problem comes into play. I mean when we're alone in the house just my hubby and i we're fine but when their in the house there's a lot of drama..which i do not like conflict.

We just can't afford to move out right now and so we're pretty much stuck with him (my moms husband) SOOO that's pretty much whats going on right now. In the middle of all this i am trying to stay out of a major depression and find my place in the world. It's hard my mom not being there for me so much. Before her husband she always was..SO it's hard adjusting to her not being around after 22 years of it.

I mean i know at some point she has to have fun and have her own life I understand that...So any suggestions any ideas? maybe that could solve my relationship with my mom or fiance? making me more happy and a better person not only to myself but to my fiance too? I just feel very lost and having a hard time with life at the moment with not being in school or at work right now.. MUCH HELP APPRECIATED!!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-04-2010 01:11 AM

Where do you see him to be immature?

It seems to me that the main issue is gambling, you don't really mention anything else in the "immature" sector... just really gambling and his up-bringing verses yours.

With gambling comes money. At present your living with family, no money...

The fact he is prepared to attend GA suggest he wants to stop, wants to get it right.

I appreciate it's your life too but up-rooting now, will surely send him backwards.

Certainly the stats say a woman is 4 yrs more mature than a male. And, as you grow you do mature more, and yes, he may not now be what you are after, where as when you met and at the beginning he was.

With learning responsibilities, through GA, he may change even.

It sounds as if you want your Mum to be free, your man to earn a good living and be happy in himself, and to start treating you differently than that of a teenager, so tell him that.

Communication is the key and if he can't see what you see, then maybe your now not in-tune anymore, rather best friends.

CW

**sarahlee20** · 02-04-2010 06:43 AM

thank you chanders wish..It's hard to be more specific it's mostly in the immaturity department in with household chores,daily events like phone calls,appointments, picking up after himself asking him to do hw and shower shave..the biggest thing is when he sees things that needs to be done around the house such as cleaning,or picking up,such as vacuuming,dusting or even making his own food.He just doesn't. I mean once in while i don't mind making things for him but. I've tried to encourage and help him learn how to cook. He just ends up walking away and playing his xbox/playstation. I mean he would and could i've seen him do it but.... like i gotta ask him if he cleaned his room or did his homework. I ask him these things because if i don't I feel they will never get accomplished.He just says i don't have to but feel i need to being that's my sign...Like a mother hen i guess.I'm feeling like his mom rather than fiance. He just doesn't do them he waits to be asked to do them. i also just wish he could do things without being told. I understand he can't read my mind but sometimes it gets so frustrating.I mean he's lived with me for almost two years i mean he knows how things are done and they work.I just wish he could take charge and be a real man. Like i said lately i just see him as a boy/teen rather than a fiance/ future husband.Lately even our sex drive has gone down.

I am hoping with GA he will mature and we will be able to have a future together. That we so desperately want together. Another thing is when i question him about certain things he's like" Oh i don't like to follow a routine or schedule because i am an Aquarius".What does that mean???

Anyone ever heard that in their life. I mean grant him when I ask him to do things he will do them but...I just see a huge change between him and his friend so much so that it frustrates me that i wish my fiance could be more like his friend.Right now mostly i just feel kind of lost. Thanks for all your support. SL

**pretzel** · 02-04-2010 06:53 AM

Originally Posted by sarahlee20

thank you chanders wish..It's hard to be more specific it's mostly in the immaturity department in with household chores,daily events like phone calls,appointments, picking up after himself asking him to do hw and shower shave..the biggest thing is when he sees things that needs to be done around the house such as cleaning,or picking up,such as vacuuming,dusting or even making his own food.He just doesn't. I mean once in while i don't mind making things for him but. I've tried to encourage and help him learn how to cook. He just ends up walking away and playing his xbox/playstation. I mean he would and could i've seen him do it but.... like i gotta ask him if he cleaned his room or did his homework. I ask him these things because if i don't I feel they will never get accomplished.He just says i don't have to but feel i need to being that's my sign...Like a mother hen i guess.I'm feeling like his mom rather than fiance. He just doesn't do them he waits to be asked to do them. i also just wish he could do things without being told. I understand he can't read my mind but sometimes it gets so frustrating.I mean he's lived with me for almost two years i mean he knows how things are done and they work.I just wish he could take charge and be a real man. Like i said lately i just see him as a boy/teen rather than a fiance/ future husband.Lately even our sex drive has gone down.

I am hoping with GA he will mature and we will be able to have a future together. That we so desperately want together. Another thing is when i question him about certain things he's like" Oh i don't like to follow a routine or schedule because i am an Aquarius".What does that mean???

Anyone ever heard that in their life. I mean grant him when I ask him to do things he will do them but...I just see a huge change between him and his friend so much so that it frustrates me that i wish my fiance could be more like his friend.Right now mostly i just feel kind of lost. Thanks for all your support. SL

Other issues aside, are you his girlfriend or his mom?

My guess (coming from interacting with my wife's kids) is that he's never had to do a thing around the house in his life, he doesn't know any better. Always someone will do it for him.

Personally, he'll learn real quick once he has to start fending form himself. Set boundaries and rules. He doesn't follow them what makes you think he'll follow them later as the relationship progresses further.

You want him to be your partner for life, well set the groundrules now.

**WildChild** · 02-04-2010 07:04 AM

Have either of you ever lived on your own? It would be a really good idea for both of you to have this experience before you set up housekeeping together.

**newhere808** · 02-04-2010 03:36 PM

Well as far as where to go from here with him, I would say you need to weigh out what you love about him and what drives you nuts. Are your feelings for him strong enough to deal with the behaviors that bother you? Having someone be the 'love of your life' doesn't always mean they are the best match for a relationship, as odd as that may sound. When time passes and the 'honey moon' phase is gone, you are left with a person and all their faults and you need to be sure you can deal with these things, cause they may never change.

That all being said, I agree with Pretzel to a degree, set some boundries, lay some things out for him. If he's been indulged most of his life then chances are he may not even know how irritating some of his behaviors are to you. You don't need to be cold to him about it, but you do need to be open. A lasting relationship is work, but it's well worth it when both parties are in it together.

**sarahlee20** · 02-04-2010 03:55 PM

An answer to your question Wild no neither of us have lived on our own. But we are determined. Despite what sometimes drives me crazy I wouldn't want him any other way.As much I love him and we have difficulties i much rather work them out and see how we work together rather than jumping into a new relationship and try to start over again. i LOVE him way too much. He's my best friend and my sweetie I don't want it to ever change. As hard as it is sometimes and as much as we fight I rather be on here and vent along with tell him my feelings than walk away entirely.He's great with my family and is very accommodating to my life and family and i like that. That is very important to me. Even though i sometimes may feel uncertian i just look at his sweet face and awesome eyes and I know i want to make it work for the LONG HAUL. I know he'd do anything for me. I mean he sacrificed his whole life in california when he moved to Michigan to be with me. That's another thing i don't take for granted. so thank you for your advice and opinions.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-04-2010 04:35 PM

Sarah, "sweet", you skirted around what was said

He's lived with family all his life, basically, never alone, if not his Mother picking up for him you have, your being a Mother for sure.

Some people do believe in zodiac signs and what they portray. He's pretty much only ever "been told" what to do to contribute to the household, cleaning etc. If...

Alot of guys don't like doing anything to do with chores, it's like that's a girls thing, it's the way they were bought up.

This isn't immature, it's the way they are.

Stop being a Mum

And, go back to being a girlfriend, your better off, saying "sweet, can you pick that up", then telling him off, or complaining.. Use different methods to get what you need.

CW

**newhere808** · 02-04-2010 05:13 PM

Originally Posted by sarahlee20

i LOVE him way too much. He's my best friend and my sweetie I don't want it to ever change. As hard as it is sometimes and as much as we fight I rather be on here and vent along with tell him my feelings than walk away entirely.He's great with my family and is very accommodating to my life and family and i like that. That is very important to me. Even though i sometimes may feel uncertian i just look at his sweet face and awesome eyes and I know i want to make it work for the LONG HAUL.

Well with all that being said, I would agree with CW, you may just need to realize yourself that that's one of his quirks and he may need some reminding for awhile. If you can live with that then I think you certainly have your answer

**sarahlee20** · 02-06-2010 03:34 AM

Originally Posted by newhere808

Well with all that being said, I would agree with CW, you may just need to realize yourself that that's one of his quirks and he may need some reminding for awhile. If you can live with that then I think you certainly have your answer

Thanks for the reply newhere808. I think CW is right i try not to be mom but sometimes it just happens lol. I am trying to more patient and do the compromise thing. I've read alot of posts on here and some i can relate too.Just sometimes gets frustrating telling him to do simple everyday stuff over and over again.Not only did he grow up not really having alot of responsibility but he had a very hard life and struggled due to his unstable home life so i don't blame him or the situation he was in it was totally uncontrolable.But if i didn't have to tell him then he wouldn't be the person i want him to be so there you go.Like I say" It is what it is" Just that combined with his gambling problem just i sometimes have a hard time dealing with this and like to vent on here which is good..I know it won't fully go away but i know supporting him and going to meetings with him most certainly help him ALOT. I am so proud since he's been going to meetings been going for 2 weeks he hasn't placed one bet!

At this time our future seems bright. Pretty good outcome as for meeting him online. We lived in two different states. He lived in California I lived in Michigan.