was I wrong?

**kristalyn_04** · 02-04-2010 06:16 PM

Hello all... I'm sorry to bring this topic up yet again, but things keep getting more and more complicated between my bisexual friend and I. Those of you that have been following this story know what's going on, but if you haven't, the short version is: he's my best friend, we admitted to liking each other, but he is in a relationship with another male. I said I respected that, and would not get in between them, however he has been having relationship issues for some time and often vents to me about it. He is hurting and unhappy, but still he stays because he is stubborn and afraid of change. My feelings keep getting stronger, even though I try to suppress them.

So, the latest turn of events... last week he had a huge falling out with his boyfriend, and of course being his best friend I listened to him and consoled him. I gave him my honest suggestions, which were to end the relationship, take a break from it, or try dating other people for a while. However, I'm not sure if I'm the right person to be advising him since I'm not exactly a neutral party in this situation because of my feelings for him.

During our conversation, I told him how frustrated I'm feeling that he is staying in this relationship and venting to me about all the issues he's having, when he knows that I have deep feelings for him. I expressed to him how much it hurts that he has just been casting me aside, when I have always been there for him and have just been waiting with my arms open. He apologized for making me feel that way, but he can't act on these feelings, even if he ended up leaving his boyfriend. He is terrified that if we start dating, and it doesn't work out, that we would lose our friendship. He says he's not willing to risk that, for anything. I tried to assure him that I would always be his friend and would always be there for him, no matter what happens between us. After a long talk about what my feelings are and where we stand, I got him to agree to think it over.

Problem is, now I'm feeling guilty for making this suggestion, since he is still technically in a relationship. He says he wants to try to salvage it, but if it ends up falling apart, he would put some serious thought into what I said. I feel like maybe I pushed him too hard, and possibly created even more confusion for him and his current situation. Perhaps my feelings for him got in the way of my good judgment, when I was only trying to help him be happy. Was I wrong? Should I have another talk with him and apologize? Idk... help, please...

**Mes T** · 02-04-2010 06:59 PM

Okay. In my opinion, someone who has feelings for a person who is "taken" needs to stay out of relationship counseling/advice giving, or at least be VERY careful about it.

How would you feel if you had a boyfriend, you two were having some issues, and he goes and tells his best friend all about it who ends up confessing her feelings to him?? It would pretty much suck to be the other partner in the relationship at this point, the one that's kind of getting screwed over.

I know that it's hard to suppress feelings, we can't really choose who we fall for.

But I think that two people being in a relationship needs to be respected, to the end. There are too many cheaters out there. And I'm not saying that that's where it's heading, but you never know. If I were dating your best friend I would feel emotionally cheated for sure.

**kristalyn_04** · 02-04-2010 07:22 PM

yeah, you're right Mes, thus why I am feeling so guilty. I shouldn't be getting involved in his relationship issues, and I have tried so hard not to. He vents to me about it, and I would feel like a jerk telling him not to... I'm supposed to be his BFF after all. It would be much easier to suppress my feelings if he had never told me he had feelings for me (he's the one that admitted to it first, otherwise I would have kept my mouth shut), now I'm kinda wishing he never said anything. The way I see it, I was emotionally involved in this the second he admitted his feelings. He would never cheat, he is very faithful. We've even slept in the same bed before and he never made a move on me. But now that his relationship is pretty much shot and he's just beating a dead horse at this point, I am getting very hurt. I guess I'm not sure if I should tell him this, or apologize and back off. Thanks.

**Mes T** · 02-04-2010 07:35 PM

Hmm. If his relationship is truly broken, there must be other people in his life who can also see that and can encourage him to make the final move to end it. And like many of us, he might need time to be single for a while after the break up, to heal and all that.

He sounds like an honorable guy, who is trying really hard to do what he thinks is the right thing... Don't feel hurt by it sweetheart... Ah, love is complicated.

**sourpuss** · 02-04-2010 09:52 PM

I think the next time the subject comes up you should just simply say that given your relationship to one another and how you feel about him, it isn't your place to have an opinion on it and that you wish him the best in dealing with it and hope that he can find someone to talk with about it.

You've given your opinion and he knows how you feel so at this point any further talking about it is just him venting and needing a shoulder to cry on.

**sperosi** · 02-05-2010 10:37 AM

i know exactly how you feel, and if you read my thread you'll see i have some of the same concerns with a friend of mine.

i think it is extremely hard to be close friends with someone you have feelings for. i have talked with my friend over and over about different things we both have gone through. every time i comment on one of their issues or give advice, i always tell them that I am biased because of how i feel about them, but that i would also never give them advice solely because of my feelings. it is an extremely hard thing to do, because often i'd wish i could just say something that would point them to me, but i've fought it every time and won, and told them what i think is really the right thing for them and in their best interest.

after all, if you really love them, wouldnt you rather see them happy with someone else, instead of not so happy with you?

dont feel guilty about telling him how you feel or what you think, just let him know you have a biased opinion but will always say whats the right thing for them because of how much you care.

**kristalyn_04** · 02-05-2010 03:51 PM

Mes: Yes others have told him he should end this relationship, he is just stubborn and thinks that losing this relationship would be a failure. If it does end, I will of course give him his space and let him heal, just offer my support as a friend.

Sourpuss: I recently let him know that I can't be emotionally involved with him right now because I am getting hurt, and surprisingly enough, he understood. He has plenty of other friends he can talk to.

Sperosi: I did read your thread, quite similar to my situation. The difference is, he admitted his feelings for me first, then I spilled... like I said, if he never told me how he felt, I would have kept my mouth shut. Now things are very complicated... if I were you, I would keep quiet because risking a great friendship isn't worth it.

If anything happens with this, I will update. Thanks all.

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