The mind of an 11yr old

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-06-2010 03:46 PM

As most of you know, I"m in a new relationship that's growing stronger every day.

Because he works night shifts as well, but takes two days off where he has his 11 year old daughter, and a couple of days for me

Plus I do see him after work as well, he wants to "badly" introduce me to his daughter, so I can spend more time with him.

He only separated 8 months ago, and I kind of think two things:-

1) Little girls are always daddy's girls.
2) 8 months isn't long enough for her, to be introduced to another woman, the other woman.

I've asked him to hold off until a few months so she knows that I am actually in the picture for real, but even then, 12 months separated, 11 years of age, isn't going to change anything until she feels safe that I am not wanting to take away Daddy time, nor replacing her Mother.

I've also asked him to ask her, how she will feel when Mum or Dad have another partner, she just shrugged.

My interpretation of that is " I won't like it but what can I do".

I've also said, when we meet you have to introduce me as a friend only for a while.

But, he's already told her he has a "friend" who has a "pool" and he's going to take her over for a swim and now he's mentioning this to me, as in next week, haha.

Poor love.

Anyway, as I've never been out with someone who has a child, I'm asking you wise people of WH... how to handle this further.

Am I being too protective?

He's living with his sister at present and she is aware of me, as is all the family except his ex-wife off course..

And, I suspect (as I remember when I was 11), as she's asked who he's texting so much too, she already knows and will know exactly who I am.

Not sure even what to say to her, lol's...

So, put yourself in my shoes and give me some guidence

**WildChild** · 02-06-2010 03:52 PM

It's good you are aware of her needs. For the most part kids often don't pay much attention to their parents love lives so long as it doesn't take away from their time with the parent. My best advise is keep the touchy feely stuff at a minimum around her, be a pleasant freind of dad's to her. Later that can deepen and develop naturally.

**sourpuss** · 02-06-2010 04:28 PM

I'm in the same situation CW. My boyfriend has a 5 year old. We dated for months before I ever met her and our first introduction was at her request and even then it didn't go well. I think you have the right idea and you should stick to your guns. My boyfriend often invites me to go things with him and his daughter on the weekends and I conveniently make myself unavailable even though I want to spend time with him. It's not my place to make his girl share his attention.

The other thing is that guys don't really understand their little girls, so you're going to have to take the lead on this one. It's really early after the separation and she's at that odd age where everything is going to seem like a big deal. My guess is that they don't get a lot of time together and his priority should be her during that time. You two are the adults in the picture so you'll have to really follow your head rather than your heart on this one.

Part of me says that kids should be brought into the parents life, rather than made the focal point but there is a delicate balance when it comes to divorce, especially such a recent one.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-06-2010 04:37 PM

I think the fact that she is a girl will make a tiny difference at first than if she were a boy. Girls compete with their own mother's for their fathers attention sometimes, so for sure it can become an issue with a new woman in his life.

I think that when you guys meet for the first time it should be doing something centered on her enjoyment. A trip to a carnival or amusement park, where you stand by when she wants to ride the rides with her dad. Some place that does allow for talking and getting to know you but provides distraction and comfort.

When she see's that you are not trying to 'take her dad away from her' but just there to keep him company... I have a feeling she will come to love you, your nature is always so warm and glowing it would be hard to steer clear of that.

She's still too young to understand why her dad would need a woman, so she's likely to be either indifferent or annoyed but not likely overjoyed that he's find one. Time and reassurance will build a comfortable relationship.

**sourpuss** · 02-06-2010 04:43 PM

The first time I met my boyfriend's daughter, we met up for breakfast because she kept asking about me. Then she got all shy and didn't say anything while we were eating. And (being the not-so-smart guy that he can be about women) he just started talking to me and out of the blue she says "You better never love her more than you love me."
haha! Oh my god. He was shocked, but I thought it was great, that at 5, she could totally speak her mind. And mind you, that he had explained over and over that we were just friends, and she still felt that way.

....just thought I'd share that (kind of) funny story.

HD is right, definitely do something that is focused on her and things will go much better.

**PJhavinfunagain** · 02-06-2010 04:52 PM

SO glad you are taking it slow with his daughter. I agree with what others have said. It is too soon for her to deal with dad's new gal. I think you are on the right track.

**countrygirl95** · 02-06-2010 09:40 PM

The best advice I can give is this..don't try to be her best friend, dont push her to like you..when i was 12 my mom got a new boyfriend and he tried way too hard to be my friend and at that time i was jealous and wanted nothing of it so it annoyed me very much..eventually he backed off and now 13 years later even though he and my mom have divorced(they did get married) we get along great.

**sperosi** · 02-06-2010 10:23 PM

as a child of divorced parents and seeing this same kind of situation handled very badly, i can understand why you'd be concerned.

Be afraid. be very very afraid!

just kidding!

the problem is that she is already aware of you, especially since she is going to be coming over to swim in your pool.

just my opinion, but since that is already in play, you need to act like you are nothing more than a friend at this point. no displays of affection in front of her, not even any little lovey dovey bantering back and forth. AND dont be too doting on her! kids pick up on that more readily than you might imagine.

**newhere808** · 02-07-2010 01:34 AM

I think your on the right track CW, my parents divorced when i was 7 and my mom started dating my now stepfather when I was about 11 or 12, and honestly it really depends on the kid. 11 year olds, especially 11 your old girls are a lot smarter then some like to give credit for. She may not be cool about it right away, but the way your handling it is the best way to go, and if your BF is trying to get the ball rolling, all you can really do is stick to your intentions as much as possible with the schedule he sets between you and his daughter

I'm sure she'll grow to really care about you over time, but it may take awhile.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-07-2010 02:24 AM

Thanks guys.

I did speak with him tonight, and will again when he gets here. He mentioned "again" the pool..

I made it very clear that sure, he can bring her over, but he has to be in the pool just with her, spend the whole time with her so she can see that I am not a threat.

He was like, " but" and I said, yep, when she goes to the toilet you can steal a kiss

What I am worried about is that he just loves me being around him so much, and they are going away in March, for a week and he wants me to come as well.

I'll play for 6 weeks and see, but my gut feeling is, there will be alot of text messages going on for 7 days.

I am in awe that he feels so comfortable that he wants to introduce me, have me there, be together more, but I don't come from a divorced family, nor do I have children, but I have white witch and intutition powers

And, I'm glad your all agreeing with me.

Thanks...

Appreciate your help and imput...

CW