texting whilst married

**spider** · 02-09-2010 12:56 AM

Hi

New to this site, joined as i need some advice.

I have been with my husband for 24 years, the mojority of this has been very good. we have 2 children and neither ever had affairs. My husband started a new job in a local dept store and a women has taken a fancy to him. she keeps texting him and asking him for coffee or a drink. she is aware he is married and she says she only wants friendship, i dont believe this. He said he's not going to be rude and ignore her. I have told him i would prefer if he didn't reply or ansa her calls but he said he wont do that. he has asked her not to contact him but she still does.

He has gone on holiday with his male friend and told me that he would clear all his texts and if she calls or texts him will he is away he will show me. I called him 4days ago and he told me she had text him but he deleted them without thinking and they were just small talk. I cant understand this he made a great big point of clearing all his old text before he went.

He keeps saying they are all small talk but why delete them. he says i'm paranoid is that right?? please help i think im going mad

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-09-2010 02:56 AM

I think personally? There is something missing in your lives that he is seeking from her.

He's enjoying her attention... She is not someone to trust. She knows he's married.

So, counteract.. And, pay attention to him.. He's only listening because 1) he is enjoying the flirt and has not every strayed so I think your safe.

But she will come on... to him... more... and so he needs to see that what he has he loves.

Don't go overboard and change dramatically that's not what I'm saying, I'm saying keep the laughter, the best friends and intimacy.. So he knows what he has.

She to me, seems intent on trying it on.

CW

**spider** · 02-09-2010 04:35 AM

Thanks for your help, I will try it but at this moment in time feel very betrayed by him. I dont think it's helping that he is overseas and I cant ask him questions when i need to.

again thanks for your help

**stressed** · 02-09-2010 04:56 AM

Contact her yourself. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

**KMonte85** · 02-09-2010 07:38 AM

I think it is ridiculous that this woman knows he's married and sends him little flirty texts and calls and your husband responds because "it would be rude not to." Let's think about how inconsiderate and rude he is towards you for even giving this woman his phone number. I worked in retail for years, and guess what - no customer ever got my personal phone number!

I would agree with the others that she's looking for more than "friendship" and that your husband isn't just being polite - he enjoys her attention.

This needs to get nipped in the bud before it grows into more than just texting... read up on many of the other posts on this forum about how people found their SO's were having an affair that started with "innocent calls/texts" - there are TONS of these kinds of posts!

You need to have a heartfelt conversation with him.. he needs to know that his behavior is hurtful to you - HIS WIFE - and that it is your feelings that he needs to be considering, not hers. Then you need to have a deep discussion about what is missing from the relationship that would cause him to even want to have these kinds of flirty relationships with other women.. what's missing? Maybe get some counceling...

I would also take Stressed's advice and contact this woman yourself. Right now you are just "the wife," to this woman you are nothing and have no presence. Make your presence known, and let her know that you are a real person who is involved with her husband's life and are well aware of who she is. You don't need to be mean or threatening, but civil and assertive should do the trick to make her realize that you are a real person who is really married to a guy she "won't stop contacting" (according to your husband).

**WildChild** · 02-09-2010 07:49 AM

KMonte makes some good points but I'm bothered by your, "I cant ask him questions when i need to" If these questions are about this woman, you are setting yourself up. She's going to be fun and flirty and you are going to be nagging, questioning and demanding. That's not a good situation.

Do you trust your husband?
Tell him you trust his judgement to deal with this appropriately. Then leave it alone.

Why can't YOU start sending him some flirty texts? A few enticing pics? A email or two remembering, in detail, a particularly good time you had making love? Or one telling him what you want to do when gets home? Make getting home to you a highly anticipated event, not something dreaded because he knows you'll pile on the questions, demands and recriminations.

Either you trust him or you don't.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-09-2010 10:01 AM

I think its completely innapropriate behavior and both of them are being disrespectful to you as his wife. Married men should not be giving their phone number out to single women for no other purpose than 'making a friend'. If they spent time together working and had things to talk about related to that, if they were involved in a hobby together or a sports team, etc... but just her wanting to make a connection and friend out of a married man that works at a store she goes to -- alarm belles ringing off the hook.

I agree with the others, shes bringing fun and flirt -- making him feel 'he's still got it'... she's getting the thrill of the chase with an unavailable man (some women LOVE this -- its an ego feed, for sure) and you are getting -- a bunch of high school games you shouldn't have to deal with as his wife.

How would he feel if you asked some guy working in a store for his number and began texting him and asking him out for coffee... to make a friend? Is whats good for the goose good for the gander? Or would that upset him?

I am not suggesting you do that. Two wrongs don't make a right. If he otherwise makes you feel loved and special and you trust him then just try to not make a big fuss or turn her into a forbidden fruit and make their friendship all that much more exciting.

You can be honest, you are a woman, you know women, you know no single woman makes a habit out of going around chasing and trying to connect with a married man just because she needs a 'friend'. Her intentions to you are clear, but your husband is a man, no offense men -- but a lot of times they don't see a womans true competitive nature and get themselves in the dog house every time.

They think oh this hot babe is flirting with me, let me give her some attention and ignore my wife -- they don't go so far as to think that hot babe is not interested in them, but is more interested in showing the wife she has the power, again, ego boost. That husband won't get anything from that hot babe, and will have an angry wife at the end of the night ... the only person walking away a winner is the sexy thing and her little game she played out for entertainment and a false sense of self-importance.

Even if you trust him, there is a lack of respect he is displaying for you in the way that he is allowing this woman to be disrespectful to your relationship. No, married doesn't mean dead. He can make friends, as can you. But what kind of basis is the friendship if they just spoke at a store.. its not like they developed a friendship -- she is trying to force the development of one -- for what purpose?

I'd take the advice of the others to not make it a big deal. But know in your heart that you are not being a crazy jealous wife for feeling slighted by this behavior -- its not right and thats why its pulling at your gut . But don't let it. He has said he is going to delete her messages, you'll have to believe him unless he gives you a reason to feel otherwise.

Try to move on from it, and definitly take the advice of giving him some more attention, making him feel wanted and desired... flirt with him more, appreciate him more and those other girls won't have such an advantage. Not saying this is your fault and you weren't doing this enough and thats why he's behaving this way. I'm saying generally people are more interested in attention when they feel deprived of it.

I know that when my boyfriend has made me feel hot and sexy I barely pay attention to reactions guys give me out in public. But when I am feeling down about myself I tend to get more comfort from those little glances and comments than I should. I would never act on them, and prefer my boyfriends attention to anyones in the whole world. But I can relate to need to feel attractive, I think most ppl want that.

**spider** · 02-10-2010 12:02 AM

Thanks for all your advice this has really helped. He's back from his holiday today so we can have a good chat.

He has other female friends he meets up with every now and again and I really doesn't bother me. They dont text him like she does, and he works with her so he see's her a great deal more than the others.

Hopeless Dork really hit the spot stating: "Even if you trust him, there is a lack of respect he is displaying for you in the way that he is allowing this woman to be disrespectful to your relationship."

The lack of respect and being disrepectful to our family unit and marriage is exactly what is hurting. Very unlike him, people have always said how lucky i was that he adored me so much.

When I do try and show him more attention he tells me to be myself that's how he likes me and will say things like were's the girl I married. So maybe I have to go around it in a different way.

Again thanks to you all it has made a real difference to me.