Who should say "I love you" first?

**kygirl** · 02-09-2010 09:05 AM

I haven't told anyone that I loved them in quite some time... I have been seeing the new beau for about a month and a half now and I am incredibly happy with him...

That being said, I really feel like I am falling for him. I am not ready to say I love you yet, but I can definitely tell I am moving in that direction.

So, who should say it first? I kind of want to wait for him. But is it okay if in passing I mention that I am starting to fall for him? Should I wait? Guys, what way would you like a woman to tell you she is starting to care a lot about you??

Things have progressed really quickly with us and we spend at least 3-4 nights a week together and talk every day. I just don't want to "jump the gun"

Any situation specific or general comments are appreciated.

**pretzel** · 02-09-2010 09:12 AM

How do you feel? Are you falling in love with him?

"Honey, I think I'm starting to fall in love with you. I'll let you know in a month or two if I'm right or not"

Would you rather he know now where he stands in relation to how you both feel about each other? He may very well feel the same way. Do both of you want to spend the next few months playing the game of "Who's the first to say I love you"

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-09-2010 09:19 AM

You say it when you feel it... if you think you are going to feel it soon, don't say it yet. If you feel he's getting close to saying it... and you know are getting close, don't say it yet. Let it be organic. Don't worry about it. When you feel your love for him so much that its bursting inside of you if you don't tell him -- thats when you say it, if he beats you to it -- great, if not thats okay!

When I realized I was in love with my boyfriend, we were about 5 months into our relationship. Oh believe me, I knew I was into him, I knew I was crazy about him, but when I knew I love him... it was literally eating me up inside not to tell him. When we would have sex I would say it in my head, right afterwards... but I couldn't bring myself to tell him.

I carred that around with me for about a month, scared to say I love you -- though I felt it so much.

We had a heart to heart one night and I asked him how he was feeling about me, and he told me everything under the sun except those 3 words, so I didn't say it.

The whole next day, I was distant... I felt like I didn't know how to behave in a relationship where my heart was on my sleeve and I wasn't sure if his was. It was as if he knew that, could feel that. That very night he held me in his arms like he always did/does... and told me "I love you". It was the single most beautiful moment in my life.

I think me being the more insecure one, if I had said it first I would have always wondered how organic his 'I love you was'. Having him say it all on his own, touched me and completed me in a way I can't explain.

I might be old fashioned, but I think letting him say it first can help you to feel that he was never pressured into saying the words... and when you get them they are the biggest gift in the world.

But I will admit I was really heavy in my heart when I knew I loved him and couldn't say the words... but waiting, and him saying them, was worth holding that secret a little longer

**kygirl** · 02-09-2010 09:24 AM

I guess I just feel like it's such a fine line. I don't want to say it until I'm 100% sure. I mean, I am already 100% sure I am falling for him. I realized that about a week and a half ago randomly... But I want to be sure (like you said HD) that when he says it that it is because he feels it and not because he feels some pressure.

I love the fact that it is growing and I do feel like he's feeling it too. I just also know how short and precious life can be, and my biggest fear is that I might wait too long to say it because I'm afraid of whether I should or not?

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-09-2010 09:31 AM

I know what you mean, if my boyfriend hadn't of said it... I don't know what would have happened. If he were waiting for me to be the first, and I was waiting for him to be the first... we both might have come to the conclusion the other just didn't feel and moved on, when we both felt it but were both just scared.

It takes a lot to say it. For a guy, or for a girl... its a huge risk, you admit your vulnerability when you say it. Its like saying, here is my heart, you now have the power to break into a million peices -- please don't. It takes some trust to develop before you can be sure the one you say it to wants to have that power or not and wants to give you the same power over their own heart.

By giving your heart though, not only do you risk it being hurt -- you are also allowing it to grow in a way you never imagined was possible, to experience feelings worth every bit of that risk.

**kygirl** · 02-09-2010 10:10 AM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

It takes a lot to say it. For a guy, or for a girl... its a huge risk, you admit your vulnerability when you say it. Its like saying, here is my heart, you now have the power to break into a million peices -- please don't. It takes some trust to develop before you can be sure the one you say it to wants to have that power or not and wants to give you the same power over their own heart.

I guess all I can really do is keep trying my best to be open to the thought of love, keep being myself and letting it happen. Hopefully I'll know when the time is right and just do it. I care alot about him, and hopefully it'll all work out... I do trust him (specifically), but still have a lot of hesitations with men (generally), so sometimes that just causes me to worry a lot.

**pretzel** · 02-09-2010 10:16 AM

Originally Posted by kygirl

I guess all I can really do is keep trying my best to be open to the thought of love, keep being myself and letting it happen. Hopefully I'll know when the time is right and just do it. I care alot about him, and hopefully it'll all work out... I do trust him (specifically), but still have a lot of hesitations with men (generally), so sometimes that just causes me to worry a lot.

I'm going to make a bet with you right here and right now.

You'll say it by month's end. It'll just come out. If you two talk at all on the phone (text messaging is not talking, btw) you say something like "ok, sounds good. I'll talk to you later, I love you"

He'll say "I love you too" and that's all it takes.

**stressed** · 02-09-2010 10:18 AM

Men must say it first. If you say it first you risk him feeling threatened, or feeling you want to move things faster than him ("I love you/I want to marry you/I want children), that you will have the control of the next step, and he won't like that. It's the same as men proposing to women and not the other way around. Men like to think they have the power and the control of the relationship, that it goes at their pace; when we take that from them, whether they feel the same or not, they become scared.

I think it's wonderful that you want to say it, but my recommendation would be to wait for him to say it first. You have nothing to lose by waiting for this.

**kygirl** · 02-09-2010 10:41 AM

Originally Posted by pretzel

I'm going to make a bet with you right here and right now.

You'll say it by month's end. It'll just come out. If you two talk at all on the phone (text messaging is not talking, btw) you say something like "ok, sounds good. I'll talk to you later, I love you"

He'll say "I love you too" and that's all it takes.

I don't know why but this sounds to me like I'm trying to trick him into saying it. I mean, I guess if I accidentally say "I love you" and he says it, but I don't want him to say it accidentally or when he's been drinking or something else other than a deliberate desire to tell me he loves me, ya know?

**pretzel** · 02-09-2010 10:49 AM

Originally Posted by kygirl

I don't know why but this sounds to me like I'm trying to trick him into saying it. I mean, I guess if I accidentally say "I love you" and he says it, but I don't want him to say it accidentally or when he's been drinking or something else other than a deliberate desire to tell me he loves me, ya know?

Oh God no...............

I meant the exact opposite.

I just think that it'll come out naturally. I wouldn't worry about who says it first,

I just think you should just let it happen naturally without thinking about all the different scenarios.

The thought of tricking him never entered my mind.

Sorry if that was the impression.