MAJOR Trust Issues

**SweetP** · 02-10-2010 11:47 AM

Ok I will try to keep this short.
I tend to trust people until they give me reason not to and unfortunately I have burned because of that. Im trying to trust men but it hasnt been easy. I started seeing someone and again its been difficult for me to trust him. Im taking things slow with him and opening up little by little but still feel uneasy.
During one of our conversations he stated that people should date but still be able to get to know other people to avoid settling without even knowing it. When I completely disagreed with his statement and told him that I cant date someone that thinks that way he changed his mind quick. I believe that if you really like someone you should take that risk and put all your eggs in one basket, not meet other peple and let others interfere in something that might be perfect. He later said that he completely agreed with me and that he didnt know why he said that because when hes with someone his main focus is on her.
Now because of my trust issues I dont know what to believe. I am really starting to like him but without trust there is nothing.
How can I trust him?

**stressed** · 02-10-2010 12:34 PM

That is confusing, I would feel the same if I were you. He can't state one thing and then change his mind so quickly, then it feels as if he just tells you what you want to hear. Especially when this has to do with relationships. His idea sounds a lot like he wants an open relationship of some sort, while you only want one, and this is the basics...if he has different views on the BASICS then this can't work. Even more so when he tells you what you want to hear out of fear when you're just dating...
Not good...

**newhere808** · 02-10-2010 12:35 PM

As one who is very slow to trust I know where your coming from. It is possible that he threw that out there to make you comfortable that he wasn't gonna obsess over you in a hasty exclusive relationship. Given the way that dating, and the 'rules' invovled, keep changing it's hard to know what will push someone out of their comfort zone and turn them off to you. As such he may have been trying to keep it casual, since he may have gotten rejected for coming on too strong in the past.

It may be worth bringing up to him again, let him know your stance on such things, and how important it is that you two are on the same page.

**SweetP** · 02-10-2010 01:07 PM

Originally Posted by stressed

That is confusing, I would feel the same if I were you. He can't state one thing and then change his mind so quickly, then it feels as if he just tells you what you want to hear. Especially when this has to do with relationships. His idea sounds a lot like he wants an open relationship of some sort, while you only want one, and this is the basics...if he has different views on the BASICS then this can't work. Even more so when he tells you what you want to hear out of fear when you're just dating...
Not good...

To add: After I shared my point of view He Completely changed. He opened up a lot to me. Sharing that he really likes me and he doesnt want to screw this up. I was giving him the whole lets be friends speech and he said that happens to him all the time. He said he didnt mean to paint this picture of himself to me because thats not who he really is. He asked (pretty much begged) to give him a chance to prove himself to me. I eventually agreed but not sure if I should have. But I do agree with you. It seems like he is telling me what I want to hear out of fear and Im not ok with that.

**SweetP** · 02-10-2010 01:11 PM

Originally Posted by newhere808

As one who is very slow to trust I know where your coming from. It is possible that he threw that out there to make you comfortable that he wasn't gonna obsess over you in a hasty exclusive relationship. Given the way that dating, and the 'rules' invovled, keep changing it's hard to know what will push someone out of their comfort zone and turn them off to you. As such he may have been trying to keep it casual, since he may have gotten rejected for coming on too strong in the past.

It may be worth bringing up to him again, let him know your stance on such things, and how important it is that you two are on the same page.

On the other hand I completely agree with you as well. He has been rejected. He told me that after a week he really likes me and wants to see me more and hes afraid to freak me out. Then I said to him that he needs to be honest with me because I might be feeling exactly the same, which I am. I just dont feel that hes proving himself and my trust issue keeps holding me back. Not sure where to go from here.

**newhere808** · 02-10-2010 02:58 PM

Originally Posted by SweetP

On the other hand I completely agree with you as well. He has been rejected. He told me that after a week he really likes me and wants to see me more and hes afraid to freak me out. Then I said to him that he needs to be honest with me because I might be feeling exactly the same, which I am. I just dont feel that hes proving himself and my trust issue keeps holding me back. Not sure where to go from here.

Honestly, all I could recommend is to go with your heart, and trust what you know of him. It's hard not to make people 'pay' for the things that people in our pasts have done to us, but if he does seem like he's been instantly rejected in times before because he comes off as 'clingy', chances are his recoiling demeanor is because he really doesn't wanna lose you, and took the wrong approach in trying to get you interested.

Not to say dating is easier for women, but it's really hard for a guy to have an inkling as to what any individual girl really actually wants unless she tells him as much. He may have been afraid that if he told you how he really felt, he would scare you off, since that seems to be what has happened in times before. Only you can look into his eyes and tell whether or not he's worth a shot though, hopefully it works out for the both of you

**Mes T** · 02-10-2010 05:03 PM

I agree with newhere, at this point it really seems like he's just trying really hard to say the right things but ended up shooting himself in the foot.

If I were you I'd give this guy another chance, and of course lay down the GROUND rules of what you expect in a relationship. We've all been raised differently, and good people might accidentally hurt others just because they're not mind readers and there hasn't been sufficient communication.

**stressed** · 02-11-2010 06:27 AM

Is it the same man you haven't told about the abortion?
I mean... you've just started dating, you're keeping an abortion from him and then he states this and switches to that... I don't know, it just doesn't sound like a very good start. It shouldn't be that complicated. You both need to relax and tell things the way they are, otherwise it's going to lead to unnecessary stress for both.

Maybe the fact that you keep the abortion from him makes you more 'suspicious' of what he says and you're afraid he keeps something from you just because you do? Just speculating here.

**WildChild** · 02-11-2010 07:08 AM

Sounds like he is feeling out your limits and parameters, which is normal when first getting to know someone. His rapid switch though does make it hard for you to get a real feel for his true feelings on the subject.

**SweetP** · 02-11-2010 02:40 PM

Originally Posted by stressed

Is it the same man you haven't told about the abortion?
I mean... you've just started dating, you're keeping an abortion from him and then he states this and switches to that... I don't know, it just doesn't sound like a very good start. It shouldn't be that complicated. You both need to relax and tell things the way they are, otherwise it's going to lead to unnecessary stress for both.

Maybe the fact that you keep the abortion from him makes you more 'suspicious' of what he says and you're afraid he keeps something from you just because you do? Just speculating here.

Yes it is the same person. You might be right. Since I am keeping that from him Im thinking he can be doing the same to me. Ive always been suspicious but even more now that Ive gone through so much.