Thread: Apologies & such: Please help me I'm Falling!

Sorry for being long winded but I need some insights around ways to soothe my SO when I have hurt her. I’m doing a terrible job and I am frustrated. I have read and tried to make changes a while back but it doesn't help. This the approach I have used for about a year now;

First I listen all the way through until she is completely finished speaking with out interrupting. I have consciously learned to avoid constructing my response when listening. I listen for other things now. I try to understand exactly what happened from her point of view, how she perceived things and imagine it being me; to understand how my actions made her feel. When she is finished, I take a few seconds to think about it. If I am wrong, I apologize. If I am not or worse, I feel she is wrong it’s tougher. I try express her feelings are not wrong and I understand them, find something I could improve upon, but I state my beliefs on my views about the action. For an apology I always try to express these four things;
1. That it is to her;
2. That I understand and take responsibility for my behavior.
3. That my behavior was wrong or incorrect
4. That I express regret or remorse for hurt or harm it created in her
These are two recent real examples;

I emailed her about dancing and how I was getting a key to a practice studio. She sent back a very hurt reply about how I did not want to dance with her anymore and I hadn’t included any mention of her in what I wrote and it seemed I was going to be dancing with others. I thought about it and here is what I replied;

“I love dancing with you; you are my favorite person in the world to dance with. You’re right, I didn’t include your name in what I wrote and I was wrong for not doing so. I can understand why that would be hurtful and make you feel I didn’t want to dance with you. I was wrong to do this and I am very sorry I did it. Please accept my apology. I very much want to dance with you always and I’m sorry for not making that clearer.”

This one is tougher. She was going out she and avoided telling me anything about it (we are usually very open). Later I learned it was to meet an ex lover. I confronted her with this and said it was wrong not to tell me, it made me suspicious. She went into great detail about how it was harmless (I believe this), she was scared I would worry, didn’t want to frighten me and that I should understand this and that she wasn’t trying to hide anything. I said something like this;

“I can understand how worried you were and I believe it was harmless. If I did something to make you believe otherwise I am sorry I did that, I shouldn’t have and it was wrong of me. I believe everything you said about it, it made me feel better and I do trust you. I can even imagine how you felt and if I were in your shoes I might have done the exact same thing. But I still believe it was wrong not to tell me and that is honestly what I believe.”

In both instances I had no effect. She still tells me I do not want to dance with her and has ignored additional pleadings and apologies, refusing to go dancing ever since. With the other she has stayed angry telling me I don’t understand her, she did nothing wrong and I don’t care about her.

My approach is screwed up and I have to do something different. What am I missing and not understanding? What should I do differently? I hate this hurt I am causing. (Btw. She's a Pisces Girl)