more confused than ever... it's messing me up!

**kristalyn_04** · 02-13-2010 02:47 PM

OK, well, as many of you already know, I am in a very confusing situation with my guy best friend, who is bisexual. So, an update for those of you that have been following this story, he finally broke up with his boyfriend, and I have been doing what I can to help him through it. This is very emotional for me as well, because a few months ago we admitted to liking each other. Back then, he said to me that he liked me, and if he was single, he would have asked me out. Now that he is single, he is pushing me away. I understand that he probably needs time to heal from the break-up, but he insists that he is okay and our friendship hasn't been affected. At this point, I am getting so many mixed messages from him, and it's driving me crazy.

A couple weeks ago, shortly before his break-up, we had a rather long conversation about where we stand. To make a long story short, he is terrified that if we start dating, and it doesn't work out, that we will lose the friendship. I tried my best to reassure him that wouldn't happen, but he says he's not willing to risk it for anything. I explained to him how I'm feeling about this situation, that he is hurting me by casting me aside when I have always been there for him. I told him that this is more likely to drive a wedge between us than if we tried and it didn't work. I finally got him to agree to think it over, and told him to take as much time as he needs.

However, the other day, he said something that confused the heck out of me. He said (in a casual conversation) that he is predominantly gay, and that he doesn't think he could ever have as much of an emotional and/or sexual attraction to a woman. Okay, that wouldn't bother me if I didn't have such strong feelings for him... but I also feel a bit deceived. He told me he has feelings for me, and then he says something that totally contradicts that... WTF!! Maybe I am an exception to the rule (I am hoping), or perhaps he said it as an attempt to get me to back off because he is scared, idk. I would talk to him about it, but I'm afraid I might push him away. I'm so confused right now and don't know what to do. Thoughts?

**WildChild** · 02-13-2010 02:53 PM

I know it's difficult but it would be a good idea to just leave this one alone.

**kristalyn_04** · 02-13-2010 03:02 PM

ugh... wish I could WC, but I just can't. The regret and "what-if's" will always haunt me. He's my best friend, he will always be in my life, and it just hurts. Even if nothing comes of this, I just want to know why he would tell me something if he didn't really mean it, it's killing me. I am willing to give him time, I just need to know that he still has feelings and is still thinking about it... otherwise I'm just left hanging.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-13-2010 03:08 PM

Kristalyn, I've known many women that fall for a guy that is not ready to admit that he is much more driven to be with a man than a woman. They know they guy is gay, they hope that he will change, that he will see something in them that makes them want to be with them more than a man. It just doesn't happen that way usually.

There are a million reasons women can easily fall for a guy/bi male as many seem to encompass a lot of the emotional qualities, sensitivity qualities we don't see as often in straight men... a lot care more for their appearance.. etc etc..

But the thing is, I have read so many of your posts, and in all honesty everything you have ever said that he said or behaved has shown a guy that has feelings for you as a friend, is more interested in being with a man... has lead you on to a degree possibly being fearful of hurting your feelings because he knows you are into him.... I think you are putting yourself out there for him with such a hope.. and I know it hurts to stop seeing him as a potential.. but it might be best for you if you look at his actions, his words as they are now, listen to what he told you without hope that he doesn't mean what he has said.

**sourpuss** · 02-13-2010 03:09 PM

I think you're trying to force something that isn't there. I agree with WC, it may be hard but probably for the best to let it alone.

He said he has feelings for you. That could mean any number of things, but I think you're comparing it to the feelings you have for him, which are obviously much stronger. He was honest about the bi-thing and honest about having feelings for you. So I don't think you should be confused or feel betrayed.

**sperosi** · 02-13-2010 03:36 PM

regardless of his sexuality, getting involved with a close friend is dangerous. people can be bets of friends and horrible as a couple. and then when they break up, the friendship is a mess.

he is obviously conflicted about you, and that probably wont change much. he cares about you as a friend, and probably even loves you as a friend, but clearly seems to be more homosexual than heterosexual.

believe me, i understand wanting to have more with a friend you have feelings for. i think that most of the time its better off that nothing more happens, even if it hurts.

**LanaBear** · 02-13-2010 07:11 PM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

I think you're trying to force something that isn't there. I agree with WC, it may be hard but probably for the best to let it alone.

He said he has feelings for you. That could mean any number of things, but I think you're comparing it to the feelings you have for him, which are obviously much stronger. He was honest about the bi-thing and honest about having feelings for you. So I don't think you should be confused or feel betrayed.

I agree here.

The other thing that I'm inclined to think after reading your posts regarding the situation is that you need to choose between being his friend or not being in his life. Because to be honest, I'm getting the feeling that you are trying (whether or not you realize it) to push him into a relationship with you. He obviously doesn't want to be in that kind of relationship with you and I think by over analyzing his feelings, you may end up making him uncomfortable to the point where he may feel awkward being friends with you knowing that you want more.

I don't feel like he is casting you aside either. He is still your 'friend', he wants to be your 'friend'. You feel cast aside because you want more than that, but he doesn't. It sucks to feel that way, but I don't think it is fair to him either. I think it would be you driving the wedge between the two of you, not him, if he doesn't want this relationship. I'm sorry, but to me it kind of seems that you are trying to guilt him into a relationship, but in the end, you are going to be the one to get hurt. His heart will never be in it to the extent that you deserve it to be.

People change, feelings towards each other change. He may have felt that way before, his feeling may have cooled down now. Nothing you can do will change that.

You stated above to WC the regret and the 'what ifs' would always haunt you, but there is no 'what if'. There would be a 'what if' IF he wanted the relationship too, but the two of you decided together that it wouldn't be a good idea. He is flat out telling you he doesn't want that type of relationship with you, so there is no 'what if'.

Sweetie, you just need to step back and protect your heart on this one because it is not going to go anywhere.

**p3375** · 02-14-2010 02:43 AM

K

Good advice is often painful.

P

**kristalyn_04** · 02-14-2010 05:26 PM

OK, thanks everyone. I get it, I need to let go of this and move on. I am going to just ask him what his honest feelings are, fears of hurting me aside, so I can at least get some closure with this. I know we will remain BFF's for a very long time, I don't want to lose him. I just want him to be happy, and I know he wants the same for me. Thanks.

**sperosi** · 02-14-2010 10:06 PM

I have so done this, and it didnt help much. in fact it just made things worse.

he has already told you what his feelings are, asking him again is just you hoping to get a different answer.