Thread: I've cheated 5 times =/

I've very recently started going out with my bf [like 2 weeks ago]
and in these 2 weeks I've already cheated FIVE TIMES! with 3 different people
There is really no excuse for cheating... but I've never cheated and never thought I would so its KILLING ME and I have been trying to think through the reasons for why I have done it.

So far, I have come up with these conclusions:
-We went into a relationship too soon.
-I don't know enough about him, neither does he know enough about me as if to say we're into each other.
-I'm still in love with someone else.
-I am going through a mental/emotional breakdown because the person I love and want to be with doesn't love me or want to be with me.
-Idk if my bf isn't a good kisser... or if its just that I'm not that into him.
-I'm so confused about love/life.
-Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship and don't need to be in one?


Basically, I have been stuck on this one guy for over a year. We never officially went out. But we were talking about a relationship and we were both very into each other in the beginning [he admitted that I was his best kiss]. However, at that point his ex gf was bringing a lot of drama into his life [and mine] so he decided he wasn't ready for a relationship and we decided to stay friends. During this friendship of ours, we spent a lot of time together and I fell in deeper for him... However, he went back to his 'single lifestyle' messing around with girls etc. and got over me. I respect his decision, and he respects me as a friend so we don't mess around or do anything sexual/physical but I have genuine feelings for him- I like him for the person he is.

We continued our friendship, and he knew I wanted to be with him, however he insisted he wasn't ready for a relationship but gave me hopes of maybe something later on and he kept seeing other girls whom he would mess around with, none which he made his girlfriend. However, he started falling for this one girl and they eventually started dating. I was very hurt and took it as if he had lied to me- said he wasn't ready for a relationship, gave me hopes etc. when he just really didn't want to be with me. I felt as if I had waited all this time for nothing so I ended our friendship and said I wanted to be left alone for a while.

We didn't talk for a few months- about 6 months and during this period I started seeing other guys... a few I liked a few I didn't but in the end nothing ever worked out. Once in a while, I thought about the guy that I had previously mentioned, but since I was seeing other guys I thought I was over him and I missed his friendship; so I called him up and renewed my friendship with him. When I talk to him it turns out that he was still going out with the same girl and that they were having issues in their relationship... since he is having issues with his girl, this is the first time some messing around between me and him happen. As friends, we begin spending more time together again and I realize I'm still in love with this guy. I decide to break the truth to him, and he tells me that although he and his gf have issues, that he is in love with her.

It breaks my heart to hear this news, because I have been there for him more than his gf ever has... I've bailed him out of jail when he went in for speeding tickets, give him rides to places in my car, let him BORROW the car, taken his mom to work, give him advice etc. I swear that he spends more time with me than he does with his girl, we can have 4 hour long conversations on the telephone at night, spend the next day together and never get bored.

We're still friends until this day, but I realize I can't be stuck on him forever so I started seeing other guys again. That is how I met my current boyfriend, who I thought I liked and got rushed into a relationship with which is why none of this is working out. I didn't really get to know him at all, we talked for about a week and only went out on one date when he decided he wanted to go out with me. I realized I needed to move on so I decided to give it a shot and went into a relationship... when we first kissed, I expected to feel the butterflies; a good feeling... but there was no connection. I thought maybe this is just the beginning... I need to give it time.

Two weeks have gone by, I still keep seeing the other guys I was talking to while I was single and continue spending time with my friend who I am in no doubt in love with and feel that I have to hide it from my bf. He has no idea of my friends existence or that I am in love with him. We hardly know anything about each other. I keep seeing other guys because I feel that I am still seeking for that special someone whom I will have a connection with because I don't want to be stuck on that one person forever. I am desperately trying to get over him and trying to shut all the feelings down, but I can't get rid of that ounce of hope somewhere in the back of my head, heart or wherever that bit of hope is.

I know I must give up, but Its hard when I can't get the love I'm looking for. I feel that I am an awful person for this and don't know what to do. I cry myself to sleep every night because of the down turn my life has taken and I feel that I'm becoming a heartless person because love has been so cruel to me.