He cheated... but I love him

**WildChild** · 02-17-2010 05:17 AM

The answer as to why he did it is simple; because he could, because he wanted what he wanted, regardless of the cost. He thought he wouldn't get caught, that you would never know. It's often referred to as eating your cake and having it too. If the other woman hadn't gotten pregnant, you would have been blissfully ignorant and he very probably would have tried it again. But he got caught with his pants down.

Consider than he will be paying child support for the next 18 or 19 years and will continue to have obligations to this child and a connection with this woman.

You aren't the first woman to deal with this. There is someone very dear to me who went through it years ago. It didn't turn out well at all - he was a selfish self focused man and it took her many years of heartbreak and two children of their own (which he fought tooth and nail against supporting or interacting with) before she got ou - after he tried to kill her. Granted this may prejudice me against these types of situations but I'd be very skeptical of his integrity and would give it a Looooong time before ever marrying or having a child with him.
He needs to prove himself.

**Sweetest Love** · 02-17-2010 08:41 AM

CW and Newhere. both of you are right. The biggest issue at this point is the child and me figuring out if I can handle this forever (if we decide to continue on with our relationship). We have talked about the role he will play in the child's life. The child's mother and I have a "working" relationship currently, so that makes things a little easier. I know that he wants to be involved w/ the child. We have talked about this. Mind you, the child does live like 3 hours away, so it wouldn't be a daily involvement, but of course holidays, and some weekends (when the child is older). He does plan on supporting the child financially, so yes that= child support which we have discussed.

Oh and I'm 25 and he is 26 by the way, he just finished college last year, I finished 2 years before he did. So 2 of the 3 1/2 years we have been together were actually long distance. Maybe that has something to do with the why of the situation...

Wildchild, you are right about why he did it. And I have considered the child support issue, and this has been discussed. We have discussed marriage, but I don't see it happening in the near future and children may never happen. I agree he definitely needs to prove himself, and so far has been doing all the right things. If there is an issue, it is addressed. I don't bite my tounge, and he has been told that I will not bite my tounge, I've told him things may come up and they may seem completely random to him, but if I am bringing it up it needs to be address... and he understands that.

**stressed** · 02-17-2010 01:09 PM

You seem to know what you are getting yourself into and you have weighted all the options. You do realize that your boyfriend will be financially supporting this child until you turn 43. That there will be days when he would rather spend them with his child (and eventually her mother) than you. That if you won't have children together this woman will always be someone special to him, no matter how much he loves you. That if you do have children together then your children and the child of that woman will be related with each other. That he might 'want' to cheat again 10 years down the road and won't tell you about it.
Spend A LOT of time thinking before you decide to put yourself second and third best in your man's life. He can still be your best friend, but can he be the husband you really want? Can you count on this man for the rest of your life? Because, out of his will to cheat on you he's become someone you cannot guarantee that he won't get out of your bed in the middle of the night to take care of his baby. And this is not a solid start for a marriage.

**sourpuss** · 02-17-2010 01:15 PM

Originally Posted by Sweetest Love

sourpuss... I have asked him more than once why and his response is always the same. He says it has nothing to do with our relationship. I don't understand it either, and to be honest I have given up trying to understand that part. It is just completely illogical to me. But to answer your question about why I didn't leave, we have really good relationship, and I couldn't picture myself not being with him. When I thought about our relationship in its entirety there was just so much happiness and good times, and I didn't think this one mistake on his part should end it all...

I would agree with you if it were a situation where harmless flirting got away with him and they ended up messing around. But what happened here wasn't a mistake. It was calculated. He thought about it, did it...twice. And didn't fess up or feel bad about it.
Have you taken yourself out of the situation and wondered what you would tell a friend in the same position? I wonder why you are defending him so much when what he did was so wrong? Do you feel like you'll never find the same thing with someone else? Or that you don't deserve better? Because you most definitely would find someone better and deserve better for sure.

**newhere808** · 02-17-2010 01:40 PM

Originally Posted by sourpuss

I would agree with you if it were a situation where harmless flirting got away with him and they ended up messing around. But what happened here wasn't a mistake. It was calculated. He thought about it, did it...twice. And didn't fess up or feel bad about it.
Have you taken yourself out of the situation and wondered what you would tell a friend in the same position? I wonder why you are defending him so much when what he did was so wrong? Do you feel like you'll never find the same thing with someone else? Or that you don't deserve better? Because you most definitely would find someone better and deserve better for sure.

Agreed. . .