Thread: He cheated... but I love him

I take from your post you guys worked through the affair obviously, and you decided to stick with him. I realize it would be easier if you could close that chapter and never have to think about what he did to hurt you. Now that the baby is here I can totally understand your mixed feelings... the cheating is at the forefront of your mind, you see baby, you see the mom, you think of the betrayal... and go back, emotionally, to square one on the hurt.

But if you do love him, if you do not want to leave... you are going to have to find a way to , in your own mind, seperate the baby..from the affair. I know that logically they go hand in hand.. but emotionally you can view it differently. The baby is here. Its going to be here for good. You love kids, you love this man, your happiness for him is dampered by what he did... UNDERSTANDBLE.

You know yourself better than anyone. If you think in your heart, and you know you will never be able to accept these circumstances... you might need to let go. If you are going to be brought to heartache every time he's with his baby... you might need to let go. Its a lot for a woman to forgive an affair (or a man for that matter) but to then have the reminders of it in your life always... is harder still.

But if you know in your heart that you will be able to get past the hurt, to find a different way to see this situation. To not blame the baby, to love the baby as its the child of the man you love, to maybe view it as a blessing ... to view it not as him 'cheating' (even though he did) , but rather him having this child while the two of you were on a break, on the rocks, anything that can help you wrap your head around the deception and move toward the future.

Do you trust him? Are you happy other than this situation?

I actually asked him both of those questions. And the answers ... when asked why he cheated, he said it was really just something that he wanted to do. He said it really had nothing to do with any part of our relationship. He thought about it and just decided to do it. He said he had stared temptation in the face on so many occasions and this time he just wanted to do it... as for if he would have told me had she not gotten pregnant... no he would not have told me.

How old are you? Not that it matters really. If I put myself in this situation, I don't think I could handle it at all. I was bummed about something similar last week. My boyfriend has a kid and the only time he's TRULY happy is when he's around her, or talking about her. I know that I'll never make him that happy. It's cool to see how much he loves her, but at the same time, it's sad that I'll never be part of that part of his life. And he had her before we met. I can't imagine your situation. I'm actually surprised that you went with him to see the baby.

Those feelings will always be there no matter what. I think your just going to have to decide if it's something that you can live with or not. Child aside, the fact that you say everything is perfect yet he cheated just because he felt like it doesn't sound like everything is perfect. Is there a reason you didn't leave him when you found out?

Not sounding very good. He THOUGHT about it, he weighed the options, and decided , yes... I will cheat. He didn't consider breaking up with you, he didn't consider telling you he was going to step out of the relationship for a fling and let you decide if you wanted to stick around with that circumstance. He just said hm... I've been tempted before, this time I will do it.

I would almost respect his honesty for coming clean eventually... if I didn't have such an utter lack of respect for him making a conscious decision to risk your relationship for nothing other than 'wanting to do it'.

If there were no probs in the relationship, if he was happy... and just 'wanted to do it' whats to prevent him from wanting to do it in the future?

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

Do you trust him? Are you happy other than this situation?

Yes Hopeless Dork, we did work pass the fact that he cheated and yes I actually do trust him. I had only one area where I did not trust him (and that was with handling the situation in an appropriate manner with the other girl)and that was nipped in the bud. As for my happiness... that is why this situation is so hard for me. I am SOOOO happy with him. He really is the love of my life! I have asked myself if seeing him with this child will make me hurt and feel like I am starting from the beginning eveytime... and the honest to goodness answer is... I don't know. I've been talking about the situation more with him and others and I think that'll help, but I just don't know. Only time will truly tell I guess. I saw a picture of the baby today and in the picture she actually looks like him (he is going to get a paternity test to clear any doubt) and it was really hard for me to hear one of my friends say that the baby looked like him, but I had to admit that she did in that particular pic. I actually showed him the pic and told him I think she looks like him, I asked him what he thinks and he agreed, and for some reason that wasn't as hard for me; I have moments when I really do think I can handle it, then I have moments when it makes me sad just thinking about it. But I think the more I just face it and talk about it the easier it'll get...

sourpuss... I have asked him more than once why and his response is always the same. He says it has nothing to do with our relationship. I don't understand it either, and to be honest I have given up trying to understand that part. It is just completely illogical to me. But to answer your question about why I didn't leave, we have really good relationship, and I couldn't picture myself not being with him. When I thought about our relationship in its entirety there was just so much happiness and good times, and I didn't think this one mistake on his part should end it all...

Hopeless Dork... I have asked him those same questions. If you just wanted to... what would stop you from doing it if you just wanted to in the future? He says he has learned his lesson. Say hind sight he realizes it was not worth it, but at the time, he really just thought nothing would come of it and that it would be something he just did. He told me that it actually happened twice, and after the second time he decided that it would not happen again, so he didn't feel the need to bring it up to me, then a month or so later she told him she was pregnant... But to answer your question with the answer he gave me, he realizes what he could have lost and does not want to risk us ever again.