left husband, am i doing the right thing.

**confused:(** · 02-17-2010 10:57 AM

Hi well em and my hsuband have been married for 2 years now together for almost 5..
We have issues with computers. gaming etc/.\
a couple years ago he started playing pokerstars online and gambling our money away ... and hiding it so i told him id leave if he diodnt quit so he quit for a while started up again ... bla bla bla .. Finally he told me to take the credit cards away and lock the computer with a password so that was fine we got married boughrt a hosue shortly after that then he started gambling again, then we locked the computer i gave him another altumatum. and then last may i found a secret computer he had bpught without my knowledge and he was gambling again on there and had lots of porn on it too.. He of course was in rage becuase i caught him .. So i left for a couple weeks he changed he destroyed that computer in front of me . and said he didnt want to lose me again.. Everything was fine then he started playing my facebook games once in a while. We were doing stufftaking he dogs for walks and eveything and then recently he started playing Evony this stupid game on he internet.. Wich says its free but he is liek one of the top rankled ppl on there he plays for hours completley ignores me half of the time wich i used to my advantage and went and hung out with my friends i said fine if yo uwant to be a hermit go ahead but i stil lwant a life.. Then he started using his credit card for this new game cause its not free you ahve to spend money to be in power pretty much. So whatever i found the credit statments and was furious we have been fighting about it for months and 2 days ago i saw that he was still speninding on it we are in debt and why does he continue to do this .. Then i no most games have female players i never in a million years would have thought he would be talking to one of them in innapropriate ways. So after i checked his email and found out he switched his password all of a sudden igot very suspicious andi logged into his game account to find a very innaproriate email to some lady.. It said something like my lady, you astonish me more and more, cant wait to see you one her later

Your knight in shinning armour i knwo its all fantasy and whatever hten i talked to this cause she was whipering him and i said wtf are you doing talking ot my husband like this .. I later found out after a night of fighting he changed his emai lpassword becuase she was sending him pics of her with a bikini on and whatever other , she even told him he could lay his head on her anytime ???? What the is this .. .I cheated on him before we got married but i did not hide it from him i admiited it right away.. CAuse i have a conscience. So anyways i left him yesterday, i do not know what to do nwo he is saying that it means nothign shes into him .i said ya well obviously you have initiated it in some way.. Im so confused im only 21 married and have a house together .. I would rather work things out htan go through a divorce as we are financially strapped .. He is a good person jsut messed up with all this computer use.. We were fine untill we bought a computer, what should i do i have left him right now and have plans to look for my own place .. But i am finacially attached to him and the house now so !!! What to do i emailed him letting him know that we need space he needs to figure out what he really wants if he wants me or the computer once and for all .. Is a real relationship better than an online fantasy world and we wil lsee what happens when he writes back i think i will give him a month or 2 to be on hisown and maybe he can reflect on his actions. Any opinions welcome please We do love each other i know that we are both stubborn, and vendictive sometimes so please help !!

**KMonte85** · 02-17-2010 11:29 AM

has he had this problem before you got married? I see you mentioned you cheated on him, has he cheated on you at all in the course of your relationship (besides the girl he's talking to currently)?

Your husband has an addiction. He feels he NEEDS to gamble and he can't stop himself. So even when he "quit," he found other ways, like through that free game, then it escalates again to getting a secret computer, then the game is not free anymore, and the cycle starts right back up again.

Personally, I would say leave him. At least start some amount of legal separation so that any debt he creates with his addiction from here will not be your burden.

However, if you and he are both committed to trying to make this work, then there will be a long, drawn out challenge ahead of you that you need to take head on. It starts with counciling. You need counciling to determine what your boundries are, how you are going to deal with living with a compulsive gambler, etc. He needs to enter into a gamblers anon group and get counciling for his addictions to gambling and computer games. If not, he will keep going it and it destroy both your lives. He will eventually put you both into so much debt that most likely you will lose the house.

Leaving now may be the best, if anything it will show him that you are serious about ending things unless he gets help with his issues. Something's got to give, and that will either be the dissolving of you marriage, or your husband getting control of his addiction.

**confused:(** · 02-18-2010 09:46 AM

he has never cheated and forgave me when i messed up wich makes me more confused.. He took me in when i was pregnant with somone elses baby when we first met .. .He said screw that guy, i will take care of you and your baby.. Thats how i fell in love with him he was willingto support me and some other guys baby.. And we had so much in common we are best friends he says he wants to fight for our marriage, but he needs to stop talking to this woman i dotn knwo how to let him know that this is what must be done we are going to go to conselling as well and i said we will give it another 6 months,, To pay off our debts, he has agreed to not hide credit statements from me let me know what hes spending and on what as it is our money!!! if at the end of six months we decide together its just not working ... And theres no reason to fight to save our marriage then we will vacate it.. I love him sooooo much and i know that i have pushed him into doing these things, really im not jsut saying that i have not been the nicests person, becuse i felt neglected so iwas mean to him, i never thought some other woman would start weet talking himsaying she would treat him much better .. so ya i dunno the future is a mystery... I hope it works out.. If not im still young, it will make me stronger and more experienced in life .

**Sweetest Love** · 02-18-2010 10:29 AM

I read your other post before I read this one... but I think it is really good that the 2 of you are going to counseling. And if things do not improve you all may have to seperate. I'm not married so I can't really say to much, but I would hope you guys don't end up getting a divorce. If you have something special with him (and you must or else you wouldn't have married him) I say fight for your marriage. Give it your all, and once you tried everything and it still isn't working, and you are just not happy and can't even see happiness on the horizon, then let it go. At least then you know you didn't just give up, you know that you tried. And like you said, you are young so if after you give it your all your marriage still doesn't work, you have plenty of time to build a relationship with someone else.

**confused:(** · 02-18-2010 10:35 AM

Ya i guess its outta my hand all i can do is be more loving and sexy lol for him so he wants me and noone else as the sex life has not been the greatest after losing our baby last year.. so im gonna try and if he can not put in the same effort i guess thats whats meant to be ... I dont feel trapped but being single after 5 years is scary so i want to make sure we are eather meant to be or not before i jsut make a decision like that ..

**confused:(** · 02-18-2010 10:53 AM

I have never felt like this before so torn on a decision. when i was gone i was sick i havent ate i ndays .. and i keep throwing up by the thought of us not working out !!!

**KMonte85** · 02-18-2010 11:03 AM

counselling! counselling! counselling!

I know you mentioned it in a previous post, but have you signed up for it? What kind of counselling are you seeking? Marriage, individual, etc? And when are you going?

You shouldn't have to live with such high anxiety that you make yourself sick!

**confused:(** · 02-18-2010 12:11 PM

im looking into it we can not afford much right now and the place here that i could find cheaprest sessions were 80 per hour or session .. I think we need to communicate and go to couples conselling ... he has agreed i think he doestn thin k iwil lactually go through with it and find one .. But hes wrong lol i am a strong woman i will nto let anyone ruin 5 years ...
theres a whole world of men she can off and find her own ..
hopefully in a couple of weeks we can get into a session !!! LEts hope it all works out .. at least i can say i fought as hard as i could ....

**KMonte85** · 02-18-2010 02:06 PM

have you looked into any religious centers nearby that may offer free counselling?

With his dependence on gaming/gambling, you may also want to contact a gamblers anon. group and see what support they offer.

Local universities, hospitals, etc may also offer counselling/support services for a low fee, if not just a small donation or even free.

Do some research and see what is out there for you and your husband. I think the two of you can make things work if you stick with it, but I believe you will need so guidance to get past this hurdle!

Best of luck to you!!!!!

**confused:(** · 02-19-2010 08:48 AM

i just wish he would be like you know what your more important than the game, im not going to play anymore... But no he said his going to play list and i kinda accidentally did something to his email so it jsut logs him in automatically. And now hes been trying to change the password on me again.. So i dont know what to think, or do or say. I feel like he is planning to keep hiding stuff from me, he told me he doesnt like that i didnt trust him, why the should i when hes sneaky and hiding from me ... LOL i can not wait to go to counselling, and maybe they will get through to him, that if he does care, he will care about my feelings, and honour how i feel. And that we should get rid of the computer all together.. Hes the type of guy though that thinks no one can tell him what to do so he may not even tryo to change of do what the thereapist suggests .