do i fight for my marriage?

**confused:(** · 02-18-2010 09:39 AM

Well my husband was talking to another woman on some game called evony, i found out by accident i stumbled upon an email he sent her with smily faces and he put your night in shining armour and then his name .. i know its a stupid war game but to me there a little too close, she is very flirty to him, and he thinks its nothing and hes like well if shes interested in me thats her choice and that nothign would ever happen becuse she is in hawaii.. liek that makes it ok or something,... i am very hurt i dont know how to move past this.. Because i left him i came back last night and then he left for work today and found a note that he wrote all the words on it said stuff like, emotinal affair, shes the reason i live for , breaking our vows, and divorce.. Wich im assuming is all the words i had said to him before i left and he wrote it out on paper .. Then on the other side of the paper it said in the short time i have known you i can not help but care for you. Like wtf?? He said he loves me more than anythign but my mind keeps getting confused.. I do always overreact to things, and he tells me this is nothing, just a game.. But she sent him pictures of herself ??? What does all this mean gosh, i love him more than life.. He is my drug... And i know i can not not have him in my life. thats not an option even if he does not really love me i would still have to be friends with him .. We are best friends.. I did cheat on him a few years ago and he forgave me !!! So i dont know what to do i feel like a hypocrit but still worried and terrified im going to get hurt ... Do i just not think about it throw all the bad stuff out start over and start fresh with him ?
Please opinions would help alot ..
thanks

**Sweetest Love** · 02-18-2010 10:20 AM

Confused.. I feel your pain. I actually had to deal w/ my so cheating on me (and much more, but thats another story

... You guys are married I think you should try to have a conversation with him (if you haven't already) and let him know what you feel is "cheating" so that you guys are on the same page. Let him know that while you understand this is just a game, it is about boundaries. As a man in a committed relationship he needs to have firm boundaries with other women. Tell him what you think the boundaries should be, have a discussion with him and see where he stands on the issue of boundaries. Hopefully the 2 of you can get to a good understanding about what you need from him, then move on. After he knows exactly how you feel about this type of thing, if he wants to be sure your marriage lasts, this should not come up again. You said that you feel you are going to get hurt, but why do you feel that way?

**confused:(** · 02-18-2010 10:32 AM

i feel that theres more than meets the eye... He is pretty sneaky, and after finding that little note i think he was talking about her.. the other woman.. Why should i have to compete with a 31 year old from hawaii im not in the best shape or anything but im attractive and 22 so after all this has happened .. he can not give me straight answers about waht hi mand her are still talking about, i realize they are partners in this game and what not but she is taking time away from him wich he should be doing with me not her.. and she told me as i talked to her ... that she was jsut trying to help him so he can get more free time to spend with me .. But then he sends her emails like hey pretty lady .. and my lady you astonish me more and more cant wait to talk to you tonight

so i dunno this is why i feel like i am going to get hurt be cuase he in the past has said he would do htings and has clearly not followed through... The other men i have been with i kinda had the power i was the one with the body parts they needed so i had all the power they wanted me .. its just hard that im jelous and i have to get my man back .. its a new wxperience for me and i dont know how to do it .. She sent him pictures of her, she says she knows hes married and he loves me yet why is she doing this to us she should back off .. .i can not talk to her anymore because my husband changed his password so i would stop interfereing or so i could not find out what else s going on... so i told you im very very confused ...

**stressed** · 02-18-2010 01:03 PM

I was going through this for 2 years, it takes a lot of time for them to realize what they are doing and how much it hurts us, plus they turn us into jealous mean creatures for no reason and they feel "more men" because of it.

To solve this:

1) He must delete his game account

2) You have to have a talk with this girl. Make your own account, find her username and explain to her what's going on. Do not say anything that can make her dislike you, the point is to get her on your side by being honest with her. Tell her that her sending half nude pictures to a married man is unacceptable, no matter where she lives and ask her to understand you as a woman. If she ignores you you can become more aggressive.

3) He should not have a hidden password when an emotional affair is in the air. He clearly doesn't want you to read her messages. He'd like to have a harem and you in passive attitude.

4) He loves the attention from that woman. He knows that it's impossible to have an actual affair with her so he's "safe" and says "but it's not cheating, she lives so far away!". He just wants everything and expect you to be quiet.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-18-2010 01:21 PM

Interesting on number 4)... stressed.

The last line I totally agree with. But, then you have to pose a question, is this his nature? Is it only ever going to be fliriting? Why is he feeling the need to have an emotional affair? What does he feel he's missing? Is it because he's also 22? If he is, and 5 years together, he hasn't really ventured into that dating world and so feels the need for attention because he missed out?

I think there are questions to ask him and then to try to work with that, together.

I think that these games are destined for flirtation, it's the internet, in people's eyes nothing can come of it, but also in their eyes, what they are missing is projected over the internet, in their fantasy world.

If he hid the password, he doesn't want to stop this "emotional affair".. you need to establish why, as some of the thoughts listed above.

It's harder for a young man with a wife and a baby, who usually would be out flirting, dating, drinking with mates.

Is he missing a part of his lifestyle? Does he go out with his mates?

Best friends is perfect, for a relationship, it means you can communicate and understand and compromise with "some things", not affairs but lifestyle maybe, maybe he's having trouble at such a young age, and his mates might be dating and having fun but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you, rather something is missing.

Instead of telling him off and posing questions about her, try posing question about him, how he's feeling, if he's missing something etc.

You may get more answers and understanding.

CW

**confused:(** · 02-19-2010 03:21 PM

no hes 32 he is 10 years older than me ! so i just always assumed he would never do this becuaes i am young, and attractive.. Looks are not everything i know that .. He says now that he told her that we are getting back together, i still do not like her.. he said she went quiet after that so i dont know if she is sceaming i dont know.. i am going to be the best wife i can be, and if thats not enough that he needs somone elses attention then whatever, i tried so i can know i tried.. My plan now is to treat him better wich sounds ridiculous i know, but i have actually cheated on him.. about 2 years ago he forgave me .. and went on and married me .. this whole situation has tought me that we both need to treat each other with respect to get it in return.. I should not be so lazy and nag nag nagging him al lthe time.. I dont do it on purpose i just want some help once in a while .. With house work and stuff .. I told him a relationship is 50 50 but he has the mentalitly that i should do everything, because thats how his parents are .. His mom gets walked all over by her husband and its unnecassary.. IThrough this whole thing i have been sick and cant eat and have lost 15 pounds in less than a week wich is extremly unhealthy and all he said was what are yo udoing your not fat... Well to a skinny woman in a bikini sendding him pics i feel a little intimidated so she actually has motivated me to go to the gym wich i have been meaning to do since the misscariage... And its time to feel good about myself again so we can be good together !!! I really want everything to work out .. I am jsut scared he will talk to her behind my back.. It scares me mostly becuase i have in the past talked to many men on the internet some were married i have been that other woman... So i have been on both sides .. And neither is that nice ..