When does it cross the line??

**kygirl** · 02-22-2010 08:54 AM

So obviously the new beau is enduring tax season while we both endure fulltime jobs and school. This weekend I cooked two meals, I helped clean up after the meals. I am trying to be helpful because well, 1) I like to cook and I know how stressed he is right now and 2) I am one of those people who really likes to help out...

But my question is... I am a bit worried, that at some point I might cross the line between helpful and him just feeling like I am either moving too fast or somehow trying to be controlling. On the other hand, I also don't want him to feel bad because I really do like doing this stuff, and I like having someone who likes to have me cook for them.

We've only been together 2 months, but I really genuinely care about him. I know I'm probably stressing predominantly because I'm stressed right now

But any input??

**pretzel** · 02-22-2010 09:01 AM

Input, well from all the things you've said about him.

You both really enjoy each other's company and by all indications want the same things out of this relationship.

This is something that you're not only doing for him, but its also something you enjoy doing for yourself.

So what if the timetable in this relationship is going a bit faster than it has in the past. Is there something that we don't know about how he feels that is different from how you feel.

Seems like the normal progression for a good, solid relationship is happening. So what if it's quicker than what has happened in the past.

**kygirl** · 02-22-2010 09:11 AM

Originally Posted by pretzel

Input, well from all the things you've said about him.

You both really enjoy each other's company and by all indications want the same things out of this relationship.

This is something that you're not only doing for him, but its also something you enjoy doing for yourself.

So what if the timetable in this relationship is going a bit faster than it has in the past. Is there something that we don't know about how he feels that is different from how you feel.

Seems like the normal progression for a good, solid relationship is happening. So what if it's quicker than what has happened in the past.

I think some of my concern comes from the separation thing... His house is not selling as fast as we'd hoped even though he seems to always have people coming to look at it. Just a bad housing market, and he doesn't have a lot of time to put 15-20 hours of work into it to try to spruce it up anymore.

I just worry sometimes that maybe he'll think I'm trying to rush him into something. I know he is happy with me and he talks to his guy friends about me and says nice things, but I don't want him to think suddenly I'm cooking and next thing I'll be wanting to move in and he'll be basically married again before he's divorced?

I just feel like we're right on the cusp of it moving to that next level of really being something serious and that scares me because 1) he was married for a long time (despite the fact that they've been separated for 8 ish months) and I don't want to rush him into something else. And then 2) I feel like it's been so long since I've dated someone like this (4 years) where we spent time together, that sometimes I'm not sure what's kosher.

**pretzel** · 02-22-2010 09:27 AM

Originally Posted by kygirl

I think some of my concern comes from the separation thing... His house is not selling as fast as we'd hoped even though he seems to always have people coming to look at it. Just a bad housing market, and he doesn't have a lot of time to put 15-20 hours of work into it to try to spruce it up anymore.

I just worry sometimes that maybe he'll think I'm trying to rush him into something. I know he is happy with me and he talks to his guy friends about me and says nice things, but I don't want him to think suddenly I'm cooking and next thing I'll be wanting to move in and he'll be basically married again before he's divorced?

I just feel like we're right on the cusp of it moving to that next level of really being something serious and that scares me because 1) he was married for a long time (despite the fact that they've been separated for 8 ish months) and I don't want to rush him into something else. And then 2) I feel like it's been so long since I've dated someone like this (4 years) where we spent time together, that sometimes I'm not sure what's kosher.

Well, in my first response I did wonder if there were things that I didn't know about. The previous marriage and that his divorce not being finalized yet was something I didn't know. Sorry if that was revealed in a different thread.

So basically, he was separated for 6 months when you met. That and the fact that he is someone you've been waiting for (in the sense that your personalities mesh) for a long time I guess I can now see your hesitation.

So maybe now my question is "Who's driving the train?" Is there equal participation or are you doing all this and he's just along for the ride? Throughout all the other threads, it seemed like he has pretty much the same feelings for you as you him?

So, house issues aside (? is there a need to sell it as part of the divorce) and the other strains relating to job and school, where are the major differences personality wise and how the two of you relate to each other? The issues surrounding the house and work/schook will ultimately work themselves out. You just have to deal with them as best you can.

**kygirl** · 02-22-2010 09:42 AM

Originally Posted by pretzel

Well, in my first response I did wonder if there were things that I didn't know about. The previous marriage and that his divorce not being finalized yet was something I didn't know. Sorry if that was revealed in a different thread.

So basically, he was separated for 6 months when you met. That and the fact that he is someone you've been waiting for (in the sense that your personalities mesh) for a long time I guess I can now see your hesitation.

So maybe now my question is "Who's driving the train?" Is there equal participation or are you doing all this and he's just along for the ride? Throughout all the other threads, it seemed like he has pretty much the same feelings for you as you him?

So, house issues aside (? is there a need to sell it as part of the divorce) and the other strains relating to job and school, where are the major differences personality wise and how the two of you relate to each other? The issues surrounding the house and work/schook will ultimately work themselves out. You just have to deal with them as best you can.

No, things have definitely been very give and take on both sides, so it's not that I feel like I am giving all the time and he's not at all. I do feel like we are on the same page as far as feelings go. I care a lot about him and he has said that he cares a lot about me as well. Our personalities mesh well. We both have an appreciation for each other's quirks. He makes me smile, and I feel like he is genuinely happy with me.

There are just times that I wonder if he might eventually freak out a bit. Yes, they are trying to sell the house before because it would be a more clean break. Although now it looks like he might be stuck there for a while and he's going to have to move forward one way or another.

Now more than ever, I think I am concerned because I know how on edge he is about work and school and I don't want him to feel like I'm just something else he has to work around. I know he doesn't right now and he enjoys spending time with me, but I know we all tend to be all head over heels at times then start to look back and be a bit resentful because we should have said no sometimes.

I am falling in love with him. Whether I want to try to control it or not

I think some of the fear is that we get along so well (I mean, we have our moments like any two people do eventually) but generally I am very happy and always excited to see him. He gets along great with my friends. He's understanding, kinda, affectionate.

**KMonte85** · 02-22-2010 09:43 AM

I think as long as you're doing these things and he isn't telling you to stop, or is giving you weird "uhoh" vibes whatever nice things you're doing for him are fine, and I'm sure appreciated!

If you really want to know you could lightheartedly ask him while you're sitting down eating the meal you made, or afterwards during cleanup... just say something like "hey, I hope you don't mind that I've been kind of taking over the kitchen lately!... etc etc..." and see how he reacts.

But like I said, I really think if it bothered him, you would know it already. And if he's that stressed out, anyone would appreciate a home cooked meal they didn't have to make themselves!

**kygirl** · 02-22-2010 09:51 AM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

I think as long as you're doing these things and he isn't telling you to stop, or is giving you weird "uhoh" vibes whatever nice things you're doing for him are fine, and I'm sure appreciated!

If you really want to know you could lightheartedly ask him while you're sitting down eating the meal you made, or afterwards during cleanup... just say something like "hey, I hope you don't mind that I've been kind of taking over the kitchen lately!... etc etc..." and see how he reacts.

But like I said, I really think if it bothered him, you would know it already. And if he's that stressed out, anyone would appreciate a home cooked meal they didn't have to make themselves!

Yeah, he definitely seems appreciative. He just seems stressed. I don't want to make him feel more stressed. He hasn't been rude or moody or anything, he just seems really concerned about all the work/schoolwork he has going on right now and the last thing I want to do is make it worse.

**pretzel** · 02-22-2010 09:56 AM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

I think as long as you're doing these things and he isn't telling you to stop, or is giving you weird "uhoh" vibes whatever nice things you're doing for him are fine, and I'm sure appreciated!

If you really want to know you could lightheartedly ask him while you're sitting down eating the meal you made, or afterwards during cleanup... just say something like "hey, I hope you don't mind that I've been kind of taking over the kitchen lately!... etc etc..." and see how he reacts.

But like I said, I really think if it bothered him, you would know it already. And if he's that stressed out, anyone would appreciate a home cooked meal they didn't have to make themselves!

I agree with this.

Also, right now there are things out of your control. The alternative on the house could be for him to buy her out of her interest. If he has the ability to refinance and buy her equity then in the short run that may take one issue off the table. Also, neither one of you can do a thing about school/work. I do remember you being in law school (not sure about him) so in a couple of years the stressors that he's under, you'll be under. I would hope he'd be there for you just as you are there for him now. That's a very solid foundation to build a relationship on.

The things stressing you out are short term issues. Don't blind yourself on the long term success just because of this. If there's a big picture (and nothing leads me to think otherwise) then keep your eyes on that, not the things you can't control.

**OhThereYouAre** · 02-22-2010 11:03 AM

Just don't find yourself doing things for him that you can't imagine him willingly doing for you.

**kygirl** · 02-22-2010 12:15 PM

Originally Posted by OhThereYouAre

Just don't find yourself doing things for him that you can't imagine him willingly doing for you.

Oh I definitely don't feel that way. He does lots of little things like scraping my car when it's snow covered, massages, taking me out to nice dinners (since his cooking skills are limited), and he even watches when I cook because he's trying to learn.

I've definitely "been there, done that" with people before, and I am probably almost paranoid about making sure I'm not the *only* one giving anymore