problem with drinking

**ginger22** · 02-22-2010 12:37 PM

So me and my boyfriend have this issue that we argue about constantly. It's a sore subject and lately it's been coming up a lot:

Well, I'm 17 and my boyfriend just turned 20 today actually. lol. We've been going out for almost two years. Before he met me he would hang out with his friends and drink and get drunk and all that wonderful stuff, but when he met me he stopped. That's because I have a HUGE issue with drinking. Nothing like traumatic happened in my life or anything but I know about all the horrible things drinking does to you and your body and how stupid it makes you. I hate it with a burning passion and he has a problem with that. So far, he's been very respectful by not drinking even when his friends do and that means the world to me but....

He started talking to me about how when he turns 21 (a year from today) that he's GOING to drink whether I like it or not. As much as I don't want him to I realize that he's going to and I'm not sure how to handle it. I know it's ridiculous but everytime I think about him drinking I want to cry and get really really really angry. What if something happens to him? (You should see some of his friends =P) I mean i'll be away at college so what if he does other bad things and doesn't tell me?

These are all of the things I need to learn to deal with but I just don't know how. I don't know how to stop caring about him drinking. I mean, after all, the only reason I care is because I care. lol. If I didn't care about him I wouldn't give a if he drank or not. You think I care about all the people in my school that get drunk every weekend? NOPE! and it's not that I don't trust him or something like that. I trust him. I just don't trust a) his friends, or b) alcohol. I'm the one who has to make a change in this situation I just don't know how. I feel like I have no other choice because I know he's going to drink. That's a definite. I don't want to fight with him about it anymore and I don't want to be that person that no one invites anywhere because I personally don't drink. I don't want to be the "controlling" girlfriend that "won't let her boyfriend have fun"

Is it a bad thing that I don't like drinking? and that I care about my boyfriend? Because I really feel like it is. I want to get over all this and just accept drinking. I just don't know how =/ any suggesstions?

**sourpuss** · 02-22-2010 01:02 PM

Drinking in and of itself is not bad. Abusing alcohol is bad. And there is a huge difference. I can have a few beers with my friends on the weekend and still be a healthy, productive, positive person. Some people are unable to have any alcohol without abusing it. It just depends on the person.

You are both young and most people go through a 'party stage' at his age. If it really bothers you then you should consider finding someone who shares your same values rather than trying to control his actions, I can't see anything good coming from that.

**KMonte85** · 02-22-2010 01:06 PM

Was there something about his drinking in the past that makes you so uneasy about him starting up again? Stupid stuff that he did and blamed it on "being too drunk to know better"?

You're right to know that he is going to drink, whether you like it or not. There is nothing that says you have to approve of his drinking in order for him to do it. He'll be 21 and can do as he pleases... but you have to decide if you trust him enough to accept that he will drink, or if it is a dealbreaker and you won't put up with it. It sounds like you want to try to accept it..

The big thing is TRUST. You have to believe that your boyfriend loves you enough and respects you and your relationship enough not to do anything out of line while drinking. If he's done bad things while drinking before, well then that will be quite difficult and you have a right to be upset or suspicious when he's out with his buddies partying. But if you have no prior experience of him being untrustworthy, disrespectful, etc then you really should just allow him to show you that he can have a drink and be a good person at the same time.

I think once you become comfortable with your guy having a few drinks, and he shows you that he can drink and still be respectful, your uneasy feelings will fade. But also keep in mind that if you act disapproving/resentful, or nag, or "punish" him after his night out, it might just push him away. Just give him a chance..

**rcoreyus** · 02-22-2010 02:50 PM

If you don't drink and don't want your boyfriend to drink, that is perfectly reasonable. (I don't drink). But, if drinking is important to him, it is reasonable for him to leave rather than give up drinking.

In general it is OK to put restrictions on your SO, but it is also OK to leave a relationship if you aren't happy with your SO's restrictions.

**ginger22** · 02-22-2010 04:02 PM

The thing is ... to me drinking is bad whether you have one or fifty. Why? I honestly can't tell you why. I was cursed with that view on alcohol. My parents were never overly strict or anything. That's just how I feel. I wish I liked drinking that's how sick I am of this whole thing. It would be soooo much easier if I liked drinking! I think the hate is mostly because I'm still in high school, which means I'm around high school kids that think drinking is the coolest thing on earth and they brag and talk about these "amazing" parties and blah blah blah. They all sound like idiots to me!

But, my boyfriend has never done anything to make me not trust him with alcohol. In fact, to my knowledge he has not once drank since we MET. I love that he respects me enough to give it up and that's why I want more than anything else to be able to accept it and let him without nagging or getting all upset. I just picture those stupid people in my school and don't EVER EVER EVER want to be with anyone like that EVER.

I also can't imagine breaking up over something so stupid. I mean it feels like 99.999999% of people like drinking so if I broke up with him ... i would lose him and still be unhappy because it would be very hard to find someone who I liked that didn't drink. Plus I don't want to be with anyone else right now I cant picture being with anyone else.

I guess waiting and making him prove himself essentially is a really good idea. If he shows me he can drink and not do anything stupid, then I will feel a lot better about it. And also, if he shows me that he can't drink without doing something stupid, then I'll know he's not right for me.

sound like a good solution? =)

thanks for all of your help!

**sourpuss** · 02-22-2010 04:42 PM

Originally Posted by ginger22

I guess waiting and making him prove himself essentially is a really good idea. If he shows me he can drink and not do anything stupid, then I will feel a lot better about it. And also, if he shows me that he can't drink without doing something stupid, then I'll know he's not right for me.

sound like a good solution? =)

thanks for all of your help!

I think that's reasonable. But be careful not to put restrictions that are dependent on the relationship. If he's responsible and only drinks occasionally with his friends, when you aren't around then I think you should make that compromise. It's when you start making rules to abide by to be with you is when it goes bad. It's perfectly reasonable, as well, for you to choose not to be with a person who drinks. (believe me, there are plenty out there. I think I've had maybe a glass of wine and maybe a beer or two since Christmas)

**Mes T** · 02-22-2010 05:15 PM

Alcohol doesn't have to be any different from any other drink. Yes some people are stupid with it, but thus far there's no reason to believe that your boyfriend is one of them.

I think if you're not careful, it'll be really easy to create problems that aren't actually there.