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You may love and care about him but he isn't what you need in a life partner. Wrong personality type for you.
I'm so lost
I've been dating him now for almost 7 months. As you long timers know, after 4 months of dating he revealed to me (after force) that he might have a fatal genetic disease. And if he does have it, he has 50% chance of passing it on to his offspring. After he told me, and I researched it, it ate me up inside. Almost literally, I felt like I was falling apart. I felt shallow for even worrying that he might have it, but then felt resentful because he purposely hid it from me even though telling me he saw his future with me. Well, after a few months of him not mentioning it, and acting like nothing had changed, I had enough. I was VERY honest with him about my feelings and basically told him "I care about you, but I don't really know HOW I feel about you, I don't know whether or not I want to be with you long term, I don't know. And I sure as heck can't let myself fall in this situation". Earlier this month he got tested for HD. He gets test results in late March. I've lost my sexual desire for him. Can't be that I'm not physically attracted, cause I had no problem with that for the first 4 months. I don't want to have sex with him. I've switched pills 3 times and have tried testosterone cream. My libido is fine....not a thing wrong with it truly....and it took me a while to realize that.
I'm independent. I need privacy, I need solitude, I need space. I need to know that when someone is falling for me, it's because of who I am ,not because they've never really had a relationship...not because they're attached to the companionship. I need to know that I'm with someone who will stand up to me. I need to know that someone doesn't NEED to be with me every free minute they have. I need to know I'm with someone that doesn't have a goal of marriage, but has a goal of lifelong love. I have expressed all these things to him.
I'm pulling my hair out. He's passive. Very much so. So much so that I'm the leader, I'm the boss, I'm the planner, I'm the one that thinks things through. I'm the one that has to talk him through everything so he understands. And I get tired. Granted, he'd do anything for me. He's EXTREMELY helpful and is very giving of himself and his time. Probably not many sweeter than him out there. But we are so different. He says what he thinks I want to hear. I tell him what I think.
Lately, it's seemingly been a battle for my affection. I work Mon-Fri. I get up at 5am and usually get home around 6:30pm after working all day and attending aerobics. Then, I make sure my dog gets some exercise attention...then I cook supper....and then I have if I'm lucky 2 hours before bed which has lately been filled with studying for a certification for my job and studying for the GMAT. He's off Tue-Wed-Thur one month, and Sat-Sun-Mon the next month. He expects that he should see me every day he's off. And I've catered to that. On his Tues Wed Thur off, he often beats me here, and stays until I go to bed. Same thing he next day. Same thing the next day. On months he has Sat Sun Mon off, same thing except he usually wants to spend the entire days together. I'm usually fine with that, but I have a life of my own, and if I spend every waking minute of my two days off with him, then I have no time for myself, by myself, with my friends etc.
For the previous two weeks he took off on Sunday. So we were together Tues, Wed, Thurs, and Sun. I'm currently servng jury duty on a capital murder trial. Just so happened that last week not only was I in court and trying to work, I was sick as well. So by Wednesday, I was longing for a night alone. Longing for a night that I'd go home, not workout, not cook supper, not have to deal with anyone. So I mentioned to him that I wouldn't mind having the night to myself. Instead of him understanding i was stressed, tired and sick and saying "no problem" he informed me "Come on, you have 5 days a week to yourself. But I guess that's not enough" Needless to say, I wasn't happy...actually I became enraged. How could anyone with any sense think that someone who is as BUSY as I am has 5 days to myself?!? And how could someone who cares about me begrudge me a few hours to myself on an evening I desperately need it? So I have kept my distance since then. He's been working so there's been no real chance of us being together. But he's tried to just go on like nothing ever happened, texting me sweetie this and sweetie that. My cousins bday is this coming Friday, and I was going to go out with him and his wife and some others to go bowling. My BF called me tonight to let me know that he took off Friday, and that this weekend is "shift change" as well, so he will be off Tue-Wed-Thur-Fri, then work Sat, then be off Sun-Mon.
So what does that mean for me? Well, I know alot of you gals are probably saying "Oh that would be so great to have SO much time with my bf". Not me. I'm already feeling pressured, feeling like my few hours of free time are already accounted for because if I say I want to run errands, he wants to go. If I saw I want to lay on the couch in silence and watch tv by myself, he wants to be here sitting at the other end of the couch. If I plan something with my friends, he wants to be there.
I'm venting....ya....and it's long, I know. And I know it all sounds negative...but I do care about this person....he's a good person, and I don't want to hurt him. I just cannot get past this feeling.....this feeling off mass confusion. I feel resentful, frustrated.......and selfish. I ask myself "how can I fix me?", but then I'm not so sure I need to be "fixed". I ask myself why I don't want what all the other girls want, what society tells me I should want. And then I look at the divorce rate, and ask myself "why would I?".
I'm lost and oh so confused.
You may love and care about him but he isn't what you need in a life partner. Wrong personality type for you.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Maybe the possibility of him having the disease (and keeping it from you) with all the anxiety and doubts resulting from it, made you look at the relationship from a different angle. Now it doesn't seem that it matters to you much whether he has it or not, your feelings have changed, or this incident just made you see the real picture. You obviously don't enjoy him being around you, you need some time by yourself, you need a break. You don't have to fix anything because you are confused over a man. Maybe he's just not your type of man, he's too passive and too needy, you want someone independent who doesn't need to be with you all the time.
You don't have to feel sorry for him. You care but that's not enough to have to be with him as a partner. You need some time alone to see whether you feel better without him around or if you miss him a lot (not in a way you'd miss a friend or a pet though, but like really miss him).
I don't think it has everything to do with your boyfriend, I think it has everything to do with you.
Your independent.
Your studying.
Your working.
You've got a boyfriend.
Your getting up early.
Your getting home late.
Your cooking and cleaning.
Your on Jury duties.
He's scared, let's face it, you let him know how you felt 3 months ago, so you've bought out a few insecurities in him so he's trying to see you more as not to lose you.
He may not actually be this way at all.
But, you my little pumpkin have way too much on your plate, your exhausted and juggling and basically don't have time for a relationship at this point, so therefore, you feel that you don't want it.
It's to do with your current lifestyle with is stuffed. And, I don't think you can cut any of it out, or down, so consequently, your viewing your relationship as the only option.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
You've got so much on your plate right now, it is no wonder you are stressed and just looking for time to spend alone, relaxing, doing what you want to do...
My boyfriend and I LIVE together and we don't see each other as much as you and your boyfriend do, because we are both independent and do our own things - work, community involvement, classes, etc... Even on weekends occationally we will go off and have our respective girltime/guytime with our own friends for a night. If I had to spend every free moment with my boyfriend, even though he is the LOML, I would go batty.
I think maybe you were too gentle with him when you tried to tell him. If he's the passive one, then take advantage of that and TELL him that you need time to yourself. TELL him that he needs to back off a bit so you can relax, as your life is so busy and stressful right now that if you don't get time to gather your thoughts, something's gotta give. He'll probably be upset, and that's okay - if he cares about you, he'll get over it. Let him know that it isn't like you're trying to leave him (if you really do want to stay), but that you need to unwind sometimes and have some "me time" so that you can be a better you, so that when you two are spending time together it is quality, not quantity.
Last edited by KMonte85; 02-23-2010 at 06:07 AM. Reason: typo
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by our standing in our own sunshine.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Certainly can't disagree with anything any of you have said at this point.
He knows I don't want to live together. I just bought my first home a few months ago, and having someone move in with me at this point is just not what I want. He even said the other night when we were fighting, "Well it would be different if we got to see each other on the days I work, but we don't". True, he works B shift, so its not possible on days we both work to see each other. BUT, he only works 4 days a week. And this past month, he has literally only worked 1 4 day week, all overs have been 3 day weeks followed by 4 days off. So I feel like him even mentioning "well it would be different if we got to see each other on the days I work...", is SO needy...
And lets face it, I haven't even started my MBA yet. I mean I've been studying for the entrance exam but when I start the program I'm going to have so little time for anything other than work and school (and hopefully keep some physical activity somewhere in there). Plus, my sweet puppy.I feel a tremendous amount of pressure now and the thought of what that will be after starting MBA in conjunction with trying to date someone who seems to fall more in love with me by the minute is OVERWHELMING.
Yeah, and the test results. That scares me. They can come back positive, negative or in the inconclusive range. That means he might suffer from it, he might not, he might pass it in to his children, he might not. I am constantly asking myself "what will I do if the results are positive?" "what will I do if they're negative" "what will I do if they're inconclusive?".
I feel so stressed, so tired, so confused. Yes, I'd like to fall in love.....I don't think I'm too busy for an adult relationship...but it's going to have to be with someone that can identify, someone that understands and has ambitions and motivations of their own. I find myself often angry (or jealous?) because it seems like he's off so much of the time, doing what he wants while I'm at work, doing what he wants while I'm at aerobics, doing what he wants while I'm in court, and then expects what little time I have left to be shared with him. I started planning "girls nights" once a month in an effort to get some of my gf's away from their bf's for an evening. That is the ONLY night (if he's off) that my BF will plan anything with anyone else but me.
Maybe I need therapy, *sigh*.
As someone who is in law school at nights, works all day, sometimes works on weekend, studies 12-15 hours in there and also is trying to get in shape... I kind of feel your pain..Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster
From my experience, someone who is needy and not equally busy, is not going to understand your situation. It makes it hard, and you feel pressured and then you feel resentful if you let something else go to have to try to feel their needs.
You ultimately have to make the decision, but it seems like you might be on different paths/in different places. And I am in therapy ha ha
If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
-Andy Rooney
It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit.--Noel Coward
Live your life and forget your age. --Norman Vincent Peale
If I may make a small analogy,
My daughter will be 20 on Saturday. She's a full time student, works as a swim instructor or baby sitter when she's not in class.
Last time I saw her I asked if she was dating anyone.
"I don't have the time"
Priorities for one's life work and what is important in achieving those. If being in a relationship allows you the peace of mind and happiness to compliment your goals and wants in life, then they should be placed in those list of priorities.
At your age, being in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship is being counterproductive.
I agree with Pretzel. Maybe it's not him, it could be that you're just too busy for a boyfriend.
Also, do you think you would feel differently about all these things if he was perfectly healthy? Because, if you love someone and want to be with them forever, it shouldn't matter. You're young and this relationship is new so it really shouldn't even be on your mind yet. You two are still at the point where you should enjoy one another's company, which you are having a hard time with.
KyGirl- Amen to someone that lives in KY too AND feels my pain. Is it just me or is it extremely difficult to live in KY and be an unmarried young woman? I see so many women out there so desperately seeking a partner, just because...well...that's what they're "supposed" to do, and if they don't then people ask "what's wrong with her?". My gf lives in CA, and it's not like that for her.....
Pretzel - thanks for the analogy. I think I want both in life..I'm too ambitious to sit back and not further my education and career. But I'm too passionate and loving to not ever share that with anyone. So, I think I want both, but only if, like you said, both compliment each other.
SourPuss - It's not that I feel that it's necessarily him and he's "flawed".....nor me and I'm "flawed". I know we both have our flaws. And I think he's a great guy. I don't think he's wrong for being the way he is (clingy, mushy, wants constant affectionate, wants constant contact whether by physical presence or text/phone)...because frankly I don't really think it's WHO he is. I think he's inexperienced. I think he thinks I hung the moon (why on Earth why I have no idea...lol) and he doesn't want to lose me. I think that having a "relationship" is extremely important to him, having someone to call his, someone he can do things with. I think that despite what I have told him about future which is "I don't know. I don't know that I'll ever want to marry. At this point in my life, I just can't say for sure." he holds out in his mind for the fact that I'll change. Someway somehow he might "win me over" and all of a sudden I become Miss Affection Mushpants who wants to spend every waking minute with him and wants to marry him. I feel angry because it gets me labeled as not caring about him, simply because I'm not overzealous like he is.
As for his health, I don't know how I would feel if none of that had ever happened. Or if perhaps he had been open with me about it prior to becoming "Mr. Mushpants" and telling me he wants a future with me. (Not something I really want to hear after 2 months anyway). I really don't know. I think whether he has it or not, he and I have some serious compatibility issues. When talking about it, he's even admitted to me that at 4 months in our relationship if I got paralyzed from the neck down and had to be taken care of for the rest of my life, would he be willing to put aside his future goals and dreams to take care of me for the rest of mine? No..he admitted that he didn't think he'd do that. He also admitted that if the situation were reversed and I was the one who had kept the HD thing from him, that he really didn't know how he'd feel and couldn't say for certain he'd be able to stick around without resentment. So is it true love he feels for me? No...... though he thinks it is.
I need to feel understood. And I'm not gonna lie, it's hard in my situation to feel understood by someone who has no relationship experience, by someone that works at most 4 days a week and other than working out has really no other obligations. We're so so different. And people tell me "well there are people all the time that are totally opposites that fall in love".....so then I start to fear that it's just something wrong with me.
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