need to rant, maybe get some advice

**heryseshta** · 02-22-2010 09:05 PM

Hey, I am just getting frustrated and need to rant and possibly bounce ideas off people.
My boyfriend is in the navy and got back from a 3 month patrol 3 weeks ago. We had been dating a few weeks before he went out and it was all good. He is the sweetest, most thoughtful and respectful guy I have ever met. And due to my past experiences with men I thought I would never find that.
When we first met I didn't know that he was into raves and Ecstasy. However he had decided he was quitting Ecstasy, so I don't have a problem with that. What I have a problem with is the fact that one of his female friends was supplying it. He knew my position on drugs and brought me over to her house. No drugs were going on so I was ok. The next weekend though he wanted to go clubbing with me, his female friend and her fiancee. I said ok, well were going to go out and she took me aside and told me about if she didn't like me then I he would get rid of me and if I hurt him she would (EDIT) me up. That night we ended up not going clubbing because she had too much drama with her fiancee and my bf was needed to try to get them to quit fighting. And while that was happening a bunch of other people were coming over and doing coke and some doing Ecstasy. She was also trying to get him to take the E so I could "see him at his worst" and told him "if she can't handle your worst she doesn't deserve your best". I almost told him to get out of my life that night, but since he didn't do it and he wasn't going to start again I decided to keep going out with him. He even said that he was thinking that he didn't think that she was very good to have in his life and he wanted to quit talking to her.
Well when he came back from his 3 month patrol he wasn't going to talk to her, however she was emailing him on facebook and he told her he didn't want to talk to her anymore. Her response was that she and her fiancee didn't want him out of their lives so they quit drinking so much, quit coke and decided to quit having so many parties at their house. All in 3 months. He decided to go talk to her and see if she really did change. I said fine because I don't want to be accused of making him choose between me and his friends, but I still didn't like him going and seeing her. He was also planning on going to a rave that night, which for some reason I have no problem with. He has enough self control he isn't going to be doing drugs again. I got a phone call from him later telling me how much she has changed and how she has her life going in the right direction. Then he said he she was going to the rave. I decided over the phone wasn't the best time to talk to him about what I was feeling so I was going to talk to him the next day. So I texted a friend and kinda flipped out because I am already kind of insecure about our relationship (It's nothing he has done, it's my past insecurities). She got worried and texted him that he should call me. He told me that his friend was not there, she went to the store for a sec and he could talk. As it turns out she was hiding around the corner and when I told him why I had my problems she started to scream in the background and he had to leave. We were able to talk and he said he will hang out with her either till the end of next month or until she pays him his money back, whichever comes first. I was happy.
Now he is telling me that she is doing so much better and she wants to take us out to dinner and prove to me how she has changed and that she is ok around my boyfriend. The problem is that I never want to see this girl again. I have never disliked another female as much as I dislike her. I don't care if he hangs around other girls, it's just her I dislike so much. He has admitted to having feelings for her in the past. I know feelings can die and that doesn't bother me so much. It's the way she treats him, she orders him around and he does it, and I guess she has warned other girls off him before. She says "my" before his name and it makes me mad. She is engaged and they have a date picked out, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I know he won't cheat, I just don't like him being around her. He knows that and that I will not go visit her, so he won't do it often but he is still planning on it. I just hope their friendship kind of fades, but with the fact that they might meet up at raves I know that there is a possibility of it not fading and if we end up going out too much longer I might have to insist on him not talking to her anymore.
I won't be going to raves with him because I get anxiety attacks when around too many people and males on substances such as drugs or alcohol. He understands that and I told him I am willing to go to clubs with him as long as it's not with that particular friend of his.
Anyways, I know he loves me...I just am uncomfortable with the whole situation and needed to rant a bit. Sorry for the long post.

**stressed** · 02-22-2010 09:54 PM

TELL HIM! You have the right to tell him that you don't like this relationship for this and that reasons. Explain to him what you explained to us just now. That girl doesn't have to look like the devil for you to not want her in your life. Not to mention that drugs are involved in this and of course you can't trust her 100%. Say you don't want to hang out with her anymore, that you feel uncomfortable about her behaviour because of all the examples you mentioned here. He has to choose, either his close friend, for whom he had feelings for, or you. He can't flirt with one girl and go to bed with another. Whether he'd cheat or not.

**heryseshta** · 02-22-2010 10:03 PM

He knows, he also knows all the reasons. He says he is also going to lay down some rules. I know he is confused and for now I am thinking I will see how it plays out because I don't want him to resent me. But I am going to have to insist soon....She drives me nuts. He agrees that I will never go over to her house, that he will not spend the night and that if drugs become involve he walks out and is never friends with her again. But I wonder if he is too much of a coward to actually say goodbye. He is too much of a people pleaser. I will have to have him choose pretty soon though. He even agrees that it wouldn't be unreasonable and he almost did it without me having to tell him he needed to.

**stressed** · 02-22-2010 10:31 PM

It seems like he knows his options and wants to do it by himself at the right time, without him feeling that he does it just because of you (men like to think they have the control over everything). He could be too nice to actually say he doesn't want contact with her, but since he already feels pressured by you he may do it indirectly. I think that it will help if you gently 'push' him every now and then, without starting an argument, if you see that he forgets. It can take a little time but we all, eventually, have to make a choice when it comes to a really close friend of the opposite sex (emphasis on the words 'really close') and our SO. It rarely happens that people have a friend of the opposite sex they feel comfortable enough to flirt with and have their SO be alright with that. It's almost like a paradox.

**heryseshta** · 02-22-2010 10:42 PM

That's what I was thinking of doing. It helped to write down what was bothering me...And seeing someone else with the same thought helps. I just can't help being nervous about the whole situation. I don't mind his other female friends. Actually I think it's funny that most of his friends are female, most girls actually seem to think of him as another female. But her actions aren't those of just a friend. I keep asking why she would claim to change for someone who is just her 'friend' and it doesn't add up. He even said that she didn't want to date him in the first place and that is why they never hooked up. He is starting to catch on thankfully though. Thanks for letting me rant...I am starting to feel better now.

**Hopeless Dork** · 02-22-2010 11:00 PM

I don't know why some engaged to be married woman would alter her lifetyle just keep YOUR boyfriend in her life. Why she would all but beg him to still be friends when he tried to push her away. Why he would still want to hang out with her when she cusses you out, you, his girlfriend, the one that is supposed to come first.

It sounds like she treats him like her puppy when he is around and I'm betting its some ego-boost thing that she can call him "my bubba" or whatever his name is, in front of you. She knows she gets a rise.

But do keep in mind that as confident as she acts about her role in his life, trust that she is the jealous one. She knows she doesn't have him and YOU do... and that is why she attempts to push your buttons -- its all she has.

She can't control him anymore, he's moved on... so she's getting her control urges fed by making you squirm. You could play her game and rub her nose in the fact that he's in YOUR BED, not hers... like in casual conversation... oh im so tired... bubba you exhausted me last night, wink wink , kiss, private joke... shared publicly kind of thing. I bet you have more ammo to make her squrm than she does...

HOWEVER, you don't need to go that route. She sounds like a desperate pathetic girl that doesn't know what she wants. She has a fiance and still tries to act like she owns other girls boyfriends. You can take comfort in knowing she is just an insecure, needy woman and you don't have to act like her.

In fact taking the high road and being unnaffected by her would be the best medicine you can dish out. Don't let her see your green eyed monster... she bathes in that. Act secure and confident (even when you feel unsure) and she will lose satisfaction in playing these stupid games.

**stressed** · 02-22-2010 11:14 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

But do keep in mind that as confident as she acts about her role in his life, trust that she is the jealous one. She knows she doesn't have him and YOU do... and that is why she attempts to push your buttons -- its all she has.

That's also most possibly the case. She can see that he wants to put you first in his life and does whatever she can to have as much attention as possible.

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

In fact taking the high road and being unnaffected by her would be the best medicine you can dish out. Don't let her see your green eyed monster... she bathes in that. Act secure and confident (even when you feel unsure) and she will lose satisfaction in playing these stupid games.

This is a very good advice, yet I've always found it hard to follow. I've noticed that many women play even more games the more confident you are and they think "oh, she doesn't care about her man, so I can continue having my fun over here", or "she pretends she doesn't care, so I'll push it even further until she has smoke coming out of her ears".

Your best ally here is your boyfriend. It's not accidental that you're only bothered by this girl, there is something you sense that doesn't feel right. It's a good sign that he understands your worries and want to make changes. It should only be a matter of time now as she seems to be losing the game.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-23-2010 02:19 AM

I think they have a small history and let's face it, if he liked her, even the "new" her, in that way, he'd be with her, and not talk to you about what's going on.

I think that he didn't like "her" and so she moved on but I suspect she hasn't moved on from him.

I think that she is deliberately stating the changes etc, and stated her fiancee and her, don't want to lose his friendship but it's her..

I also think that it could just be a bond, not that she wants to take him away from you, in that fashion but that she can't let go of him and has a bond.

Let him do it his way.

As long as he continues to communicate everything with you and he isn't doing drugs, then he's showing good signs of your relationship heading in the right direction.

How does her fiance react to you, and to them as friends?

Would you consider asking him if she was different, and not into all that, would he see her differently as before? Is that the reason why they didn't get together in a proper relationship?

Perhaps this will set your mind at ease.

CW

**Beautiful Disaster** · 02-23-2010 06:00 AM

It seems you are dealing with a "threesome"....and not in a good way.

Why does he bend over backwards keeping this "friend" in his life who seems quite unstable, who threatened you in more than one way (1. if I don't like you he'll get rid of you = you better do what I say and what I want and not cause any problems & 2. if you treat him bad I"ll **** u up = I care deeply for him...and likely more than you'll ever care for him...therefore, I'm entitled). Does a real friend encourage you to do things that will harm you and your relationship? No. She wants control of him, because she likes the attention she receives from him.

If he's not doing drugs, what is it about the raves he enjoys so much? Music? You can get that lots of places without hardcore drugs.

Is he planning things for the two of you that do not include his jealous controlling manipulative "friend", and that does not include drugs? And lastly, can you honestly say that if put in the situation he would work as hard for your relationship as he does for theirs?

**heryseshta** · 02-23-2010 10:40 AM

I actually don't see his friend. After the way she treated me and with how I feel about drugs I have told him that I never want to see her again. He said that he understands and thankfully he doesn't go over there often. Last night apparently when he was helping another friend move they were talking on the phone and she said since he was in the area he needed to stop by, he decided that he didn't want issues with me and said he was too busy. So that's a start.

I have been trying to figure out where the fiancee fits into all of it. I think it's because she has explosive angry outbursts, one of which I got to see, and my boyfriend had to calm her down before she could actually talk to her fiancee.

She met him before I met him. And he used to really like her and asked her out, but she told him "I would break you", so they remained friends. He got over her and later on we met. She apparently hasn't gotten over her puppy though.

Is he planning things for the two of you that do not include his jealous controlling manipulative "friend", and that does not include drugs? And lastly, can you honestly say that if put in the situation he would work as hard for your relationship as he does for theirs?

Yes he plans things for us, we actually go out and do quite a few things together. When we are together he typically doesn't have friends around that do drugs and he only used to take E at raves. I trust him on this. He quit taking any drugs while at raves and he now goes to hang out, dance and he loves flashing lights. If I ever want his attention flash any sort of color or light and he smiles and has to look at it. I understand that part because I can be like that at times. I did end up suggesting he takes me to a club soon, maybe that will satisfy some of his raving urges.
He does put quite a bit of work into our relationship, if there is a problem he can always sense it and ask what's wrong even if I haven't vocalize it yet.