helping a friend.

**happy ending** · 03-01-2010 06:34 PM

I have a good friend, she is bright (has a degree) gorgeous and talented. her husband is also bright (has two degrees) but lazy and selfish, he cant stay employed as he keeps getting fired, due to poor work habits. she is working full time to support the family (they have two children) he is the house husband, but only looks after the kids and puts them into care two days a week, to have a break. my friend does the housework, cooking, shopping etc on top, of financially supporting them. i feel she is heading towards a breakdown, as she seems very depressed and tired but i dont know what to do, i actually feel very frustrated with her, as i feel she has turned her husband into another child almost, do you think i am being fair, i love my friend, but i feel i cant help her.

does anyone have any points of view to offer, she told me she would leave her husband but couldnt get by without him! i think she would like more support off me, but i cant seem to get motivated to help.

**Mes T** · 03-01-2010 08:59 PM

Wow. Always sad to hear a story like that, but it's very common, isn't it, of one person pulling all the weight and the other turning into a mushy blob of irresponsibility. A dead weight, essentially.

What does she mean, she couldn't get by without him? Like, emotionally? He's gotta be doing SOMEthing right for her to continue to allow this to happen.

Is her husband aware of how he's coming off? Sometimes things need to be spelled out for people before they see the "light," and maybe this could be one of those cases.

Have they tried marriage counseling? Just to speak to a neutral party who might help them work some things out?

**KMonte85** · 03-02-2010 06:37 AM

Its so sad to watch a friend have to go through this! I am in a similar situation, only I feel for my friend's husband, as my best friend has become that selfish person in the relationship, and its is really hard to watch someone's life and marriage fall apart and the hurt that goes along with it...

The best thing you can do I think is be there for your friend, call her up just to chat, let her vent, take her out once in a while, and try to talk to her about how she needs to approach her disintegrating homelife.

She is the one who can make things change, but she has to start by first speaking with her husband about what has been going on and how things need to change, and that's tough! They could go to councilling, and they SHOULD, but your friend will have to be the one to insist on it as its obvious hubby isn't in the same mindset...

Just support her and talk to her about it, be her cheerleader, encourage her to take back control of her life! You can't do anything beyond keeping her motivated and encouraging her, but sometimes that is what people in her situation need the most - someone in their corner!

**happy ending** · 03-02-2010 06:32 PM

he sort of throws tantrums and all round acts like a child, i think she says she cant cope without him, because she feels so tired and depressed, but as she is tired and depressed because of him, its seems to be self perpetuating, also her parents marriage broke up when she was young. she absolutely adored her father and her mum took it really hard, and suffered serious depression, as did she. from what she said she doesnt want to put her kids threw all that. also i think her family is sick of the situation, so i dont know how much support she getting from them. i want to be a better friend, so i think i will socialise with her out of the home. i love her dearly and her kids are beautiful, but him argghhhh!!!

**OhThereYouAre** · 03-03-2010 05:47 AM

Originally Posted by happy ending

I have a good friend, she is bright (has a degree) gorgeous and talented. her husband is also bright (has two degrees) but lazy and selfish, he cant stay employed as he keeps getting fired, due to poor work habits. she is working full time to support the family (they have two children) he is the house husband, but only looks after the kids and puts them into care two days a week, to have a break. my friend does the housework, cooking, shopping etc on top, of financially supporting them. i feel she is heading towards a breakdown, as she seems very depressed and tired but i dont know what to do, i actually feel very frustrated with her, as i feel she has turned her husband into another child almost, do you think i am being fair, i love my friend, but i feel i cant help her.

does anyone have any points of view to offer, she told me she would leave her husband but couldnt get by without him! i think she would like more support off me, but i cant seem to get motivated to help.

A man is expected to work full time, bring home the majority of the income (according to statistics) and pull weight around the house.

What's wrong with expecting the same from a woman?

**WildChild** · 03-03-2010 06:35 AM

A woman is expected to do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, errand running and lion's share of the housework and childcare, often regardless of how many hours she works.

What's wrong with expecting the same from a man?

**happy ending** · 03-03-2010 06:11 PM

Originally Posted by OhThereYouAre

A man is expected to work full time, bring home the majority of the income (according to statistics) and pull weight around the house.

What's wrong with expecting the same from a woman?

did you even read my original post, i am concerned about a friend.

(edit)

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-03-2010 06:36 PM

he cant stay employed as he keeps getting fired, due to poor work habits.

my friend does the housework, cooking, shopping etc on top, of financially supporting them.

i feel she is heading towards a breakdown,

A better way of putting that to OTYA, is please take time to really read the thread, nothing to do with him being a stay at home mum...there's a lot more context to it. He is forcing that, they have not made that management decision together, pertaining to him being the "stay at home mum", nor is he contributing to be the "house mum".. he is not pulling his weight. She's exhausted... And, it's off topic, it doesn't answer the question for the OP...

I am not sure if she can't do without him, it seems more of the point of what she doesn't want to put her children through.

I can understand also understand when there is no equality, how difficult it is for one person to take that all on themselves, a parent, the bread winner, the household chores, with no assistance what so ever, considering he in addition puts the children into day care to "take a break"...

I think, she needs to talk to a lawyer in any case just so she has facts behind her.

From what you are saying her family is fed up with the way she feels and seems to agree she should walk so she can breathe. But, then she will still be doing the same right? Just one less person to look after. She would have peace of mind and not be so stressed though.

Perhaps she should also seek a Doctor and just get a little bit of a helping hand for the time being.

Is there room for her to have a lodger? Just that, that should drive him mad

Whilst giving her a little income as well as a little sanity.

I think also, she should start to visit family / friends at night, make him look after the kids a little longer, have a bit of me time, tell him you'll have to feed yourself and the kids, or get a hobby...

Maybe in other words if she sticks him in the lurch for even longer hours, he will go and get a job to get out of having to do that. Same thing. If he's lazy he won't like that either, if there's a lodger, hopefully, he can't argue with her either over it too much in front of the person.

**happy ending** · 03-04-2010 06:10 PM

sorry, CW i was in high dudgeon. its not that he's a house husband as you say, he is just lazy and unfocused and she goes along with it. it isnt that they both work fulltime, her at work and him with the house but that she is doing well and above what she can cope with. i do feel that she doesnt want to break up the family, but am concerned about her health. i just got upset with OTYA because although i know he likes to put forward different points of view, i feel he wasnt contributing to the discussion. thank you for your suggestions, i cant see her agreeing to a lodger.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-04-2010 06:15 PM

Well all you can really do is just be there for her.

She has to make her own decisions at the end of the day.

I'm sure she has tried to get him to help her as well around the house, as regardless, she works but to no avail, that could be his entire up-bringing, and that's hard to change in anyone.

I'm wondering now though if he's depressed? I mean he has a degree but throws all of his jobs?

Sometimes communication is the actual break down, day to day living, no laughter, no light at the end of the tunnel so to speak...

Maybe suggest that to her and maybe she can talk "on a rational" basis, forgetting all the things she's not coping with but turn it onto him and ask him what he's not coping with and see if she can get to the bottom of it?

CW

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