I dont understand him...

**Rema R** · 03-01-2010 09:05 PM

So...i seem to have a new issue everyday...here it is pls tell me wat u think...my bf and me have been goin out for a lil over a year and i love him very very much and think he loves me too we have been talkin marriage for a lil bit and he seemed to want to get married like 2 months ago...i want to gat married to him too coz i think hes perfect for me and like i said i love him a lot...recently i dont know y i asked him but i did...i asked him if he rly wanted to get married..i think i asked him coz he suddenly stopped talkin about it..he said well honestly im really scared coz we dont have a house or anythng and i dont know if we are ready...im scared too but i feel kinda upset coz he said that we arnt ready..if he thot that y did he even bring up gettin married?? now if feel like i mite be pushin him into sumthn that he dusnt want...how shud i be feelin and wat do i thnk of all this???

**Mes T** · 03-01-2010 09:07 PM

How old are you two, if I may ask? Not that it matters but might help others get a better picture of the situation...

**Rema R** · 03-01-2010 09:15 PM

im 20 and he is 27...

**Mes T** · 03-01-2010 09:21 PM

Alright well at this point I think you might be over-analyzing what he said about not being ready for marriage. Marriage is a big deal and I think the more serious you take it (making sure you're set financially as well as a multitude of other things), the more likely it is to succeed.

Now ideally, I think at this point you should be the one to say let's hold off on marriage. You're young and within the next few years have the potential to change/grow a lot as a person. You might want different things a little while from now. Who knows.

He brought up marriage because he loves you, honey.

But being not ready does not have anywhere near the same meaning as not loving you enough.

**Rema R** · 03-01-2010 10:13 PM

do u think i shudnt talk to him for a bit just to give him some space and also just so he will miss me a lil bit and actually maybe realize wat he wants w me wether or not its gettin married
?

**Mes T** · 03-01-2010 10:26 PM

Well from your original post, I didn't get the feeling that he doesn't know whether or not he wants to BE with you. I got the feeling that he knows he loves you and he does want to be with you, but it's important to him to wait until he feels like he could be a proper husband to you, whatever that may entail in his mind.

I don't think you should stop talking to him just to "test" him, not in this case, when his concerns are pretty much justifiable, and normal.

I would say just enjoy being with each other, be secure in the knowledge that you love each other, and lay off on the marriage talk for now. It'll all fall into place eventually.

**Rema R** · 03-01-2010 10:29 PM

hmm...thanks

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-01-2010 11:45 PM

Most men are not marriage minded until their lives are in order. By that I mean that they have a career and stable wage, have a stable home etc... which makes sense. Marriage is a huge responsability and can cause a whole lot of stress to a relationship that has all its ducks in a row... not having said ducks in said rows can cause even MORE stress.

Enjoy him and your relationship and help him to achieve the stability he seeks, be there for him, be supporitive and allow him to be there for you and support you. You can be in love, committed to each other, faithful, etc... without that peice of paper.

.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-02-2010 01:31 AM

Rema, I think he's being sensible. He's looking at the finances, a house, picked fence, children, you've talked about marriage so you've talked about how you visualise it, what you see right?

And, he's realised that he can't do all that, your 20, probably not in a great job yet? But maybe a job, he's viewed your combined income and thought how?

If someone loves you they love you, marriage can wait, it doesn't mean you own them and phew, that's it, I'm safe, by a piece of paper, in fact it can give you all sorts of problems if you are not ready financially.

Here's a suggestion, how about starting a joint account together, start putting what you can aside for the "future", see your "future grow", ask for a promise ring, for now and then when he can afford an engagement ring, work out your dream and how much you need to have it and then how you can afford to get it and work it.

Sounds more to me that you are wanting to walk just to make him want, perhaps he does. He is just viewing like a smart future husband on the hows and feeling it's not the right time.

Don't pressure him, instead work towards your future together of what ever those obsticles are and start jumping them..

Watch the difference, without the stress, with a plan and how much you two will be happier and enjoy the next 12 months together.

Think about it.

CW

**stressed** · 03-02-2010 06:54 AM

Originally Posted by Mes_T

Well from your original post, I didn't get the feeling that he doesn't know whether or not he wants to BE with you. I got the feeling that he knows he loves you and he does want to be with you, but it's important to him to wait until he feels like he could be a proper husband to you, whatever that may entail in his mind.

I don't think you should stop talking to him just to "test" him, not in this case, when his concerns are pretty much justifiable, and normal.

I would say just enjoy being with each other, be secure in the knowledge that you love each other, and lay off on the marriage talk for now. It'll all fall into place eventually.

I agree. Love doesn't lead to marriage right away just because it is there. Marriage is about a lot more than love: it's about responsibilities towards your partner and yourself, thoughts about having a family and the ability to support it, financial issues, career, it's a long list.

He could have meant that he loves you so much that he has thought of spending the rest of his life with you, but practically speaking he may need more time before marriage.