Can a guy ask for Advice here? Seperated but working on it

**lostinNJ** · 03-10-2010 05:58 AM

In late October last year I decided that my life was miserable and that I needed to leave my wife. There are always two sides to every story but the short story is that she was treating me very badly and I was enabling it. Now after I have moved out she realizes how bad she treated me, wants to change and wants me to move back in. It's hard to get past the lies, disrespect, lack of compassion, her feelings of entitlement... but I am trying.

I am guarded but work on things with her with weekly marriage therapist sessions.

I could use a sounding board, some female perspective and outsiders input.

Are you kind folk on this board receptive to hearing my story and offering some advice?

**pretzel** · 03-10-2010 06:02 AM

Originally Posted by lostinNJ

In late October last year I decided that my life was miserable and that I needed to leave my wife. There are always two sides to every story but the short story is that she was treating me very badly and I was enabling it. Now after I have moved out she realizes how bad she treated me, wants to change and wants me to move back in. It's hard to get past the lies, disrespect, lack of compassion, her feelings of entitlement... but I am trying.

I am guarded but work on things with her with weekly marriage therapist sessions.

I could use a sounding board, some female perspective and outsiders input.

Are you kind folk on this board receptive to hearing my story and offering some advice?

I am and in a big way. Sounds like your wife and my wife have some of the same issues toward us.

I really would like to know how the counseling goes. I'm at the crossroads you were in last year and right now really torn as to what to do so I hope you'd be kind enough to keep updates.

Thanks,

**WildChild** · 03-10-2010 06:22 AM

Lost, I think you will find a pretty supportive and fairly balanced environment here. We recognize that we all have something we need a little (or a lot) of support, feedback or just a place to vent about.

**xJanex** · 03-10-2010 06:28 AM

Heya

welcome to the board,
we are all here to help everyone male or female.
this is probably one of the best forums i have ever been on.
Have fun moaning! lol (or needing advice )
Take care

**lostinNJ** · 03-10-2010 06:28 AM

I will wait until females reply to post more specific details out of respect. I feel I am a guest on their forum.

I will however address the marriage therapy.

I have been anti therapy but a year before separating I was lost and confused how could I be treated that way and starting seeing a therapist for myself. I went open minded for maybe 4 sessions. It helped a little and I moved forward staying with my wife.

When I first discussed that I was first moving to the basement before moving out she suggested therapy. I said fine, I will go 1 time with an open mind that is what I can promise but I had 2 conditions 1) it could not be a therapist she has seen for her personal treatment and 2) since she didn't work she had more free time and had to make the arrangements.

We went and honestly it felt good to air some stuff in front of a stranger. I was angry and hurt and it showed. I left the session angry and needed time to decompress and didn't want to talk to wife any more that day, but I agreed to come back.

The first several sessions were like that where I left angry and hurt. She still did not understand why I left despite it being so clear she kept responding with "All my friends say he must be cheating on you to want to leave" to which I still reply that I am just less miserable being alone that I was with you. That's not meant to be hurtful but I was miserable and it affected every aspect of my life. At work people would constantly ask if things were OK even though there was no current incident at home. I carried the weight of the world on my shoulders and had an incredibly high stress level. Just realizing I had to go reduced my stress despite the stress of separation.

After 4 or 5 sessions something clicked with my wife and she seemed to get it, to get how deeply she hurt me for so many years and started to show remorse. After that therapy started to go a little better and I stopped leaving angry so based on that alone it is helping and regardless of what happens with she and I it's good for us to communicate better to be friendly if not friends and be better parents for the kids.

It is also helping to correct some of her misnomers. She heard on Dr Phil (don't get me started) that 99% of men who leave never come back. We talked about it in therapy and I squashed it first saying "You know he's not even a licensed psychologist right" then the therapist chimed in agreeing and saying that's just not true. I can't take her semi ultimatum of "I don't know how much more of this I can take I need to know are you coming home or getting a divorce". To me that's not the question. If things are getting better why is divorce even being mentioned? It is far better off for her to remain separated than divorced financially. She went to a divorce attorney before I was even out of the house just to find out what her rights are. Fine that's her right but she prioritized that over something far more important {details in future posts] and that was infuriating. I in return had to go to find out what mine were. Complete waste of money what are her rights? divorce or deal with it - sorry to be blunt but come on. Anyway I am currently paying A LOT more than I would if we divorced plus she would have to pay for COBRA insurance, so beyond a doubt financially she is better off being separated than divorced and unless someone is looking to get immediately remarried I don't get the rush for a decision and look at it as if we are making progress isn't it better not to slam the door with divorce?

The sessions also help with some issues like I feel guilty when I have to say no to her. I had the kids Friday night after work till Sunday 6:00 PM and she wanted me to take her to run errands because she couldn't drive that day and I said no. What would it have taken another hour? I was spent I am out of the house 12 hours/day M-F and need to unwind, need to do chores, need to relax and normally don't take the kids both Friday and Saturday nights but did because it was her birthday. I still feel badly for saying no, but suppressing those feelings is what enabled her bad behavior that brought us to where we are today. I know I was justified in saying no but am a kind person and have trouble with it.

There was opportunity to go to therapy before I moved out but she dropped the ball. Who knows if there was significant enough progress I may have remained in the basement longer instead of rushing to move out.

What's my current stance? I still have a tremendous amount of hurt that is trying to heal but more importantly despite seeing progress I am not sure that things will be completely different. I think if I ask an easy question I will now get an honest answer but if I ask an awkward question, a difficult one I do not trust she will be honest. Her last lie to me was at Christmas time. We discussed it in therapy she was afraid to tell me the truth. Nothing terrible she left the dog alone overnight. I felt bad for him but wasn't angry about that happening. I was disappointed that she didn't let me know so I could have gotten him, but was really hurt that after weeks and weeks of therapy and alleged progress when I asked her DO YOU KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH THE DOG, HE HAS A LOT OF GOOP IN HIS EYES LIKE HE HAS BEEN CRYING AND WAS ALL OVER ME WHEN I CAME TO PICKUP THE GIRLS the day after he was left alone overnight for the very first time. she answered "No, I have no idea why he is upset"

**pretzel** · 03-10-2010 06:38 AM

Thanks, there's definately hope in your post. I think she may realize that now.

**WildChild** · 03-10-2010 06:40 AM

It sounds like you are taking a positive, proactive approach. If you have a good therapist, it can really help - just having someone who isn't involved to talk with can make a difference. Distancing yourself by moving out can give you both a chance to sort out how You really feel, without running into the other's issues so much.

How old are your kids?
How long have you been together?
Is she capable of working?

PS - I'm very female

**lostinNJ** · 03-10-2010 06:46 AM

My girls are 10 and 12.

She receives $2,700/month income from something but may not be capable of getting a full time job.

We have been married for 14 years. We were together for a few before then.

Thanks all for the warm welcome.

**KMonte85** · 03-10-2010 06:58 AM

It is hard to try to give an opinion or advice when I can't see the whole picture of what started your misery. I hope you will post more on that topic, as it will give the readers more insight so that we can better understand your situation and why you feel such intense hurt. Please don't feel like an imposter or a guest here. There are plenty of men who post on this forum and the women of WH read and respond to their posts as openly and honestly as they do the posts made by women.

I think you should be seeking individual therapy in additional to marriage councelling with your wife.. it seems like you have a lot of resentment and anger built up. Before you can truly start to heal you have to address those feelings and learn new ways to handle the hurt and anger you are feeling, to let go, to be happy again. This individual attention will allow you to move forward and get more out of your marriage councelling. It will make you feel better and will allow you to become happy again.

As for your wife mentioning divorce.. I do not think she was out of the question in bringing it up. You made it quite obvious that you're miserable with her, you talked about moving out, and then you did move out. So she is questioning if this is the end of the marriage - that is not an unusual thought process given the recent turn your relationship has taken. She is trying to prepare for what she thinks might be the end based off of your actions. Perhaps she will be better off staying with you and just being separated, but you can't fault her for wondering what the divorce process entails. And I can tell you, as a woman, that I would much rather be divorced and poor, but having closure and the freedom to start over, than to be in a broken marriage, separated, with financial security, but no chance to start over and move on.

Again, I am not sure why you feel such hurt, resentment and distrust for your wife as you haven't given us much detail in that respect, but if you are seeing improvement from councilling with her, then I would say continue with it and see where it goes, see if things continue to improve. But you need to work towards letting go of the anger and distrust if it is going to work. Her not telling you she left the dog alone really isn't a big deal.. he's a dog, he was probably lonely, but the anger and disappointment you felt from her not telling you about him being left alone seem disproportionate to the situation. I am sure you were angry and the feelings flared up because of bigger problems you have encountered with her in the past, and they come out for every small issue that come up, but this is something that needs to be addressed. You have to get to the root of the issue, or else all the little disagreements that happen in everyday life are going to keep making you miserable. Nobody deserves to live like that!