Justified hurt feelings or sick and overreacting?

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-14-2010 04:44 PM

My mom came to visit for a day of girl time and shopping yesterday and ended up staying all night. My BF ended up going out with some friends since I was spending time with my mom. I woke up in the wee hours of the morning, hurting all over and feeling very cruddy. The hurting all over moved in to my head and has resulted in a throbbing pounding headache. I haven't felt like moving.

I talked with my BF this morning so he knew I was feeling really bad. Throughout the day while mom was here being so good to me, he'd text me "I'm so sorry you feel bad....I hate that you're sick", "I will bring you some chicken soup later.", "I will take care of you whatever you need". Of course, his comments made me feel good inside. So mom leaves, and I finally get up the energy to take a head pounding shower. He tells me to call him after I get out. When I called,he mentions "hanging out" tonight. I told him I still felt horrible, and would want to get in the bed fairly early, but if he'd like to come over for a while and visit that would be nice. Then he says "well....I don't really want to get sick." And I said "Oh.. so you don't want to come over here?" and he said "Well I really don't want to get sick.". I said "okay...well have a good night." and the call ended. I was very caught off guard. I don't believe I have ever in my life avoided someone I cared about in their time of sickness or need because I was afraid I'd get sick.

First, I'm not vomiting or spewing from various crevices of my body. I'm not sneezing, sniffing, coughing. I do not, to my knowledge, have a fever. (He knows all these details) And as I told him, I wondered if this was perhaps a migraine. It has certainly been miserable.

I know I'm no saint....I'm far from perfection.....but I've been there for him. I've been there through the whole HD thing....and am scheduled to be off half a day next week to go with him to get his test results. But I get sick....have no signs of being contagious....and he doesn't want to come over cause he doesn't want to put himself at risk of getting sick.

REALLY REALLY hurt my feelings. I never cry, but today I did. Are these hurt feelings justified, or am I overreacting and too sensitive because I'm feeling badly?

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-14-2010 04:52 PM

It sounds like to me he wanted to see you despite you being sick, when he mentioned hanging out with you and you said have to get to bed early yada yada... he probably got the feeling you didn't want him there... and through in the ' i don't want to get sick' in defense of feeling like you didn't want him there. Do you know what I mean?

I don't think your overreacting, but I think you're looking past the part where you told him you basically didn't feel like hanging out in the first place. I think his 'oh i don't want to catch anything' was reactionary to maybe feeling like you weren't up for his company. Perhaps trying to make you feel it wasn't your fault he wasn't able to come, or to in his own mind try to feel better about that. I don't know if this makes sense outloud but in my head it does

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-14-2010 07:05 PM

Of course I didn't feel like hanging out and having a good ole time. He knows I'm very direct, if I don't want company I'll say just that. But I didn't say that. No...I felt horrible. But sometimes when a person is sick and doesn't feel like taking care of themselves, it's nice to have someone that wants to take care of ya. And when that person makes you think they're more than willing to do that....then says they don't want to be around you cause they don't want to be at risk to get sick........ well, it's kind of hurtful.

**Mes T** · 03-14-2010 07:19 PM

I see what you're saying, I'd be a little bit upset as well. When my boyfriend was last sick, I cancelled all my plans and spent the entire weekend running his errands, making sure he was comfortable, keeping an eye on him while he slept, etc. And when I had the exact same illness, he expressed sympathy and then went off and did his own thing.

Maybe your boyfriend, like mine, just simply doesn't understand how to act around a sick girlfriend, and I don't think he'll get it unless you specifically express your feelings about it. "Hey, I was pretty hurt when you kinda left me alone there, during a time when I really needed somebody. I would have really appreciated seeing you, at least for a little while. It would have made me feel better."

**happy ending** · 03-14-2010 09:02 PM

some men can be a bit sooky about getting sick, they seem to be terrified of illness and when they are sick its the end of the world. maybe your fella is a bit like that.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-14-2010 10:47 PM

I don't know... he talked about making you soup, or taking you some and all that, so he obviously understood you were sick and wasn't concerned about catching anything. The fact he didn't mention that worry until after you expressed not feeling like hanging out leads me to feel like he just maybe worried he would be more of an annoyance than a help and backed off using ' i don't want to get sick'.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-14-2010 10:50 PM

I just know that if I had talked about doing stuff for my boyfriend while he was sick and he sounded put off by hanging out with me when I brought up coming over... i'd get the feeling he just wanted to rest and be left alone. Its how I would take it...

Of course he may have genuinly just changed his mind from deciding to make you soup and care for you to all of a sudden worrying about getting sick but it just doesn't seem to make sense him going from one to the other so easily other than the interaciton inbetween that you stated you didn't feel up to much.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-15-2010 07:12 AM

I dunno....HD maybe you're right, maybe he interpreted my response as something differently than what I said. I was sick, in a lot of pain, and I should not be required to be all chipper and "YEAH I'd LOVE for you to come over and see me!!!!", just cause he's insecure. If I say "Yeah you can come over and visit for while", that should be enough. Yes, I made sure I told him I needed to get in bed early. Why? if I didn't tell him that, then I knew he wouldn't leave on his own, I'd have to end up telling him to leave so I could go to bed. Because most of the time under normal circumstances, thats what happens. I don't like having to tell him to leave every time.

But, to me...even if he took what I said as "well she doesn't really want me around", (even though that's not what I said) then why did he then tell me "well, i don't really wanna get sick...if I made soup I was just going to drop it by and leave....." ? My thought, he talks a good game where stuff like that is concerned.......saying "I want to take care of you" blah blah blah, is much easier than actually doing it. He knows I'm independent, he thought I'd say "No, I don't feel well I'd rather be alone tonight". And when I didn't say that, and welcomed him to come over, he was put to the test. When he said "well I don't really want to get sick and you don't know what you have", I said "well if that's how you feel about it, why didn't you just say that to begin with instead of asking me if I want to "hang out"? He had no answer.

I told him last night that my feelings were hurt over it. He said "well you should have told me your feelings were going to be hurt over it and I'd have come on over". ??????????? Come on, who wants someone to come over and take care of them when they're sick, when they've had to be guilted in to doing so?

On the upside, other than being very tired, I'm feeling better today!

Headache stay gone!!!!!!

**pretzel** · 03-15-2010 07:35 AM

A little TLC goes a long way.

I'd be a little upset also.

You do things for others because they appreciate it. Even if it was just for an hour or so.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-15-2010 12:06 PM

I just think its possible that the stress your relationship is under right now might cause you to see things in ways you wouldn't otherwise. I think we interperate peoples actions in a way that best suits are overall of view of them... do you know what I mean?

Like when a woman is head over heels blinded by love with her man and she can find a pair of panties in his car and find a way to rationalize it in a way that keeps him smelling like a rose...

And when a woman is doubtful, untrusting, thinking her guy is a low down dirty cheat, something as innocent as him missing a call can lead her to think its cause he's having an affair and couldn't answer the phone in front of the mistress!

I think maybe dealing with all the other stuff in your relationship would be easier if he gave you a good reason to be mad at him or to see him as not a good boyfriend in the first place... do you know what i mean? Almost like a protection mechanism in case you decide you two aren't going to make it through that bigger problem.

Of course he could just have been a jerk and really didn't want to catch a cold from you and knew you really wanted to come over but decided to skip seeing you...

But from everything else you've said about him, he sounds kinda into you and not someone that diss you when you were sick to protect himself, but you know him better than all of us.

Either way, glad you are feeling better!!!

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