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Thread: Im in love with my husbands best friend

  1. #1
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    Default Im in love with my husbands best friend


    I have been bursting inside because I really have no one to talk to about this. So if nothing else happens by joining this site I will have gotten it off my chest. My story if very long and a little bit complicated. I have been with my husband for almost 23 years. Our relationship has never been the best but somehow I managed to stay with him. I have know his best friend for the same length of time. We have always been really good friends. He used to spend alot of time at our house until he got married and had a family of his own.

    It was about 5 years ago when he said to me one night while dancing that he had feelings for me that were more than a friend. I was shocked because I always thought he was totally happy in his marriage. I have for as long as I can remember had feelings for him but I kept them to myself. Once he told me this we ended up chatting through email and seeing each other a little just to spend time together. We are so much alike and enjoy the same things and I really feel that we should have gotten together years ago. Anyways he had a little boy at the time and told me he could never leave and break up his family. I completly understood. We stopped talking and seeing one another but remained friends.

    Skip ahead 5 years to Dec 2009 and my husband and myself were invited by him to come to his house for a few drinks while his wife was away for the weekend. We had a lot of drinks and alot of laughs and the night ended with him saying "There hasnt been a day that I havent thought about you". I said to myself "I think about you all the time but Im not going to let you in only to shut me out because you are married and have a child and have no intentions of leaving your wife"

    On March 3 2010 I get a phone call from my husband while Im at work and he says to me "Are you sitting down" and I said "Yes" he said good because your not going to believe this. Guess who broke up? I said "You have to be kidding.... and I started shaking" My world has not been the same since I got that phone call because all I can think about is him. I feel bad for him that his marriage didnt work and the life he had planned for his little boy isnt going to be. At the same time I am thrilled at the possibility that somewhere down the road I might be able to be with him.

    I know everyone is going to say to me "Why are you still with your husband?" The answer is I do love him and he is my best friend but its not the kind of love I have for our friend. I think a person knows when they feel it. To be honest I cant even try to put into words how I feel for him. I only know the way I look at him and the way he looks at me..... and its always been this way.

    He called my husband on March 6, 2010 to invite us over to have a couple of drinks with him. I must admit the attraction is worse now than ever to the point he emailed me and said "I have to stay away from you for awhile I hope you understand" I need to get my head straightened out. I said I understand and when you are ready to start another relationship please let me know.

    Im not really looking for advice.... I already know what Im going to do if given the chance.... I will be with him. I just really wanted to vent and somehow let the world know I love him. I cant wait for the time to come when I can really let the whole world know!!

  2. #2
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    One thing to consider is that you have known this friend as a friend. That means that you have probably seen him when you were doing fun things together. Its easy for someone to seem more interesting, more fun when you aren't seeing them every day, when you aren't doing chores, being sick, etc. You really don't know what it would be like to live with him.

    I have a female friend (I'm male) who seems fun, interesting, exciting. I'm attracted to her, and some part of me thinks that I have deep feelings for her. When I think about it though, I realise that while I really like her as a friend and enjoy her company, there isn't really a deep attraction, just a bit of infatuation.

    So - first I think you really need to examine you own feelings. Do you really think you love him - or is he just a really good friend who you happen to be attracted to? Love and lust often go disguised as each other, but they aren't the same.

    If you really decide that you love this man - then the kindest thing you could do would be to leave your husband so he can find someone who loves him. More likely though, you will realize that much as you like this other man, you don't really want to spend your life with him. In that case, stay friends, and avoid situations where either of you might do something you regret: don't be be alone and drinking with him for example.

    This sort of situation is really difficult - can be a tremendous strain. Just remember that as someone on this board said "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, but the cows poop there too".

  3. #3
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    I agree with Rcorey, on that first line... seeing someone at a distance, when they are with their s.o and on their best behavior, when they are at their best in general (if they didn't feel good, they'd stay home and you wouldn't see them) turns them into a perfect man.. sometimes.

    Rest assured that the reality will not hold a candle to the fantasy an excitement of this 'crush' you have had over the decades for this man. Part of the allure has been the fact you can't have him, I am sure.

    Now that he is free, once you have free'd yourself up and you two can be together ... I worry for you that you will be giving up everything for a dream and wake up to realizing that it wasn't everything you wanted... but your bed will be made.

    All the feelings of boredom you feel towards your husband, he has likely felt the same. If you were capable of getting a surge out of being with someone new its just as likely that he may have felt similiar about a co-worker, a friend, etc...

    If you see you guys as platonic roomates, I am sure he feels the same and it may not be the worse situation for you guys to move on and find love that is passionate, even if it can't be with each other.

    I wish you the best of luck, I kind of wish for you that you would exhaust all your energy first on seeing if your marriage is savable before disposing of it but only you know whats right for you.
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

  4. #4
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    23 years is a long time.

    You've been around him in various situations I am sure, to ascertain his personality, charm, wit

    There's obviously a very big spark there that's been there forever and I hope that when that day comes that you make that decision, it is the right one.

    There are so many people that go down this path, (1) out of (10) is correct, it was mean't to be, married the wrong person.

    But, like others above me have stated, there are sides and things you have never experienced with this person and don't know.. Don't believe that he's left his wife for you, he left because he wasn't happy, or she left because she wasn't happy and it may be worth your while assuming you know the wife, to find out the whys on both sides.

    I always think homework pays off.

    I also think Chemistry is an amazing subject

    Ultimately, though if this is your thoughts, your desires, the timing isn't right on his side, that's for sure, he needs time, they need time to heal.

    But, on your side, if you really believe your in love? Really in love? Then staying with your husband until that day arrives, then leaving, then him establishing why would crush him.. His best friend.

    Whereas, if you left now and later this occured, it can happen.

    I think you need to think clearly on that side of it, he stood by you for 23 years, you can't only think of yourself in this type of situation... if you don't mind me saying.

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by CanFox View Post
    I have been bursting inside because I really have no one to talk to about this. So if nothing else happens by joining this site I will have gotten it off my chest. My story if very long and a little bit complicated. I have been with my husband for almost 23 years. Our relationship has never been the best but somehow I managed to stay with him. I have know his best friend for the same length of time. We have always been really good friends. He used to spend alot of time at our house until he got married and had a family of his own.

    It was about 5 years ago when he said to me one night while dancing that he had feelings for me that were more than a friend. I was shocked because I always thought he was totally happy in his marriage. I have for as long as I can remember had feelings for him but I kept them to myself. Once he told me this we ended up chatting through email and seeing each other a little just to spend time together. We are so much alike and enjoy the same things and I really feel that we should have gotten together years ago. Anyways he had a little boy at the time and told me he could never leave and break up his family. I completly understood. We stopped talking and seeing one another but remained friends.

    Skip ahead 5 years to Dec 2009 and my husband and myself were invited by him to come to his house for a few drinks while his wife was away for the weekend. We had a lot of drinks and alot of laughs and the night ended with him saying "There hasnt been a day that I havent thought about you". I said to myself "I think about you all the time but Im not going to let you in only to shut me out because you are married and have a child and have no intentions of leaving your wife"

    On March 3 2010 I get a phone call from my husband while Im at work and he says to me "Are you sitting down" and I said "Yes" he said good because your not going to believe this. Guess who broke up? I said "You have to be kidding.... and I started shaking" My world has not been the same since I got that phone call because all I can think about is him. I feel bad for him that his marriage didnt work and the life he had planned for his little boy isnt going to be. At the same time I am thrilled at the possibility that somewhere down the road I might be able to be with him.

    I know everyone is going to say to me "Why are you still with your husband?" The answer is I do love him and he is my best friend but its not the kind of love I have for our friend. I think a person knows when they feel it. To be honest I cant even try to put into words how I feel for him. I only know the way I look at him and the way he looks at me..... and its always been this way.

    He called my husband on March 6, 2010 to invite us over to have a couple of drinks with him. I must admit the attraction is worse now than ever to the point he emailed me and said "I have to stay away from you for awhile I hope you understand" I need to get my head straightened out. I said I understand and when you are ready to start another relationship please let me know.

    Im not really looking for advice.... I already know what Im going to do if given the chance.... I will be with him. I just really wanted to vent and somehow let the world know I love him. I cant wait for the time to come when I can really let the whole world know!!
    Wow. I had to think on this one a while. I'm going to try to put my two cents in, not to burst your bubble, but to give you a thing or two to think about, while you're fantasizing about this "thing" that has you so intrigued.

    1) When a person is not completely content in his/her marriage, he/she has a tendency to "fantasize" about someone they used to date, or was once attracted to. That's normal. BUT....when you go for years having feelings as you have described, it's not "OK" and it's not "temporary". An emotional affair is just as damaging as a physical one, to yourself (mentally) and very deceiving of your spouse. You should have left him years ago if you are not totally and completely committed to HIM. You have been very unfair, and you have taken advantage of his love and commitment to YOU.

    2) Your "friend" as we will call him, is just as emotionally screwed up as you are. If you think this is going to work, you will have made a terrible mistake if you leave your husband (for this reason only). You mentioned that your husband is your best friend. I doubt that very seriously. If your friend is willing to decieve "his" best friend and hurt his "best friend" like this, then do you think he has "barriers" that will keep him from hurting YOU in the future? NO. They are like black charcoal lines; you do not step across them. If you do, you don't have what it takes to keep yourself from doing it again. So, I would think really seriously about this, especially if you've been in your marriage for so long. Something like this will be devastating to say the least to your "best friend" hubby.

    3) The "friend" is just getting out of a relationship; he will be in 'flip-flop' mode for a while; which simply means that he will be "emotionally unavailable" to you until such time as he heals from his relationship breakup; just as you will have to do. If you jump out of the skillet into the frying pan, you just might get burned.

    4) Do you have children? I'm assuming if so that they are relatively grown; or at least old enough to understand "this" ??? I doubt it. The best thing for you to do is the following:

    Do some really deep soul searching. If you are not happy with your husband and don't think you ever will be, then of course you should split. But give yourself time to heal. You cannot leave a long marriage and move in with your husband's best friend without first healing, then becoming happy with yourself and living by yourself and being "alone". That right there is a several year process alone.......and THEN you have to see if it's really the "friend" that is so intriguing, or is it the thought of being "single" and free ?

    I don't think I would put my family through that sort of pain and torment; not to mention shock and confusion just to satisfy a "fantasy" that you have allowed to take over your emotional well being. I would like to see everyone happy; maybe you can try to mend any damage by staying away from your friend and focusing on you and your marriage. I'm quite sure once you look at the "friend" in another way...as in he is able to leave a wife and child for you; be emotionally unfaithful as you have for all this time. Is he going to find someone he likes more than you when you leave your "comfort zone" ??? Be careful, you're treading on VERY thin ice.................

    Counseling for you (alone) could very well put you where you need to be...at HOME. Your husband need not know anything; not too much damage done, so long as you stop this foolishness now before you DO cause irreversable damage to yourself and your loved ones. Good luck to you .......

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    I have to be honest and say that I think the first thing you need to worry about and address is the fact that you are in an unhappy marriage and you should be honest with your husband and yourself about that. If you are thinking romantically about other men, his best friend none the less, then you clearly are not in the right place with your marriage and that should be addressed whether you have another man waiting in the wings or not.

    I am not passing judgement, but I do feel that people need to be responsible for their actions and at least give the people they care about the best opportunity to move forward. Which scenario will hurt more?

    1. I love you and you're my best friend but our marriage does not make me happy.
    or
    2. I am leaving our marriage to be with another man, your best friend.

    One just seems a little more honest and less of a heartbreaker and it were me I would want to know if the person I love is thinking of someone else and wanting to be with someone else. I would have no desire to stay where I am unwanted.

    Honesty & Integrity

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    I feel sorry for your husband. For you to hope to be with this guy down the road, is to hope your current relationship ends. I would be ****ed if my wife had stronger feelings for another man and would leave me for him if given the opportunity. That means every day she started feeling and wanting that, I was wasting my love, time, and energy putting effort into the relationship.

    Reality and fantasy are two different things. I agree with the other responses. Address the issues with your husband.

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    I agree with the poster above. Reality and fantasy are two different things. i also have a problem of crushing for my bfs friends. But for me its a crazy feeling of wanting things i cant have. i know on a good day if i date them, we wont work out, but the feeling just stays there.

    I would suggest you think well and analyse well. Is it possible for you and ur hubby to try counselling?

    we have a saying in my native language that 'the devil you know is often better than the angel you dont really know'.......

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    I agree with rcoreyus...I have been in the same situation as you are for the last 7 years. Same story.. Realized it was getting out of hand and the only problem is that you cannot talk about it with anyone. I felt I was slipping away from my husband and falling in love with his best friend. Before I made a huge mistake, I focused back on my marriage and so far, it has been great. I analyzed my feelsing and thought about what may have caused the attraction. I realized that it was the fun things we were doing together as friends. I talked to my husband and told him how I feel, that: I miss having conversation with him, I want to do fun things with him alone....basically try to fall back in love again. He responded positively. He is trying very hard to make me happy and I realized that after 20 + some years, you can still save your marriage. It has to be mutual effort though. The grass is really not greener out there. If it is not too late, try to spice up your marriage first. Think of the positive sides of your relationship with your husband. Then think of the devastation that you are heading towards. Is it worth it?

  10. #10
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    I think a lot of people forget to have fun with the person they love.

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