First time living on my own with my boyfriend

**sarasbluegroove** · 03-16-2010 11:28 PM

Hi,
I would like an outside opinion about my situation. I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 years. WE are both still in college and are right now, in a college program that involves us moving to germany for a year. WE've been here for 6 moths, which we spent at a university. WE lived together, but we weren't supposed to. I basically slept in his room, with the option of going to my room if i wanted. It was tough, but we thought the next 6 months would be better. Now we live somewhere else, and have an internship at a company. We have our own apartment, actually have to take care of ourselves, and work 40 hours a week. I am much happier, nicer apartment, nicer city, and actual things to do. (we were very bored while we were taking classes because they were easy)

Here's the problem. My boyfriend is having trouble with his boss, again. This has happened in the US also, and i'm afraid it will be a reoccurring thing. The way he describes it, it sounds like he's being treated unfairly. His boss micromanages him to death, doesn't respect that he doesn't speak fluent german, and doesn't tell him all the info he needs to do certain things. I can understand how this would be frustrating.

My problem is, his attitude is deteriorating. He's starting to get the opinion that the whole world is out to get him, his boss is looking for reasons to screw with him, and just being as negative as possible. Just last week he told me he liked his job. He had one bad day, and the whole world is falling apart. He posted an entire monologue on facebook complaining about it. In my opinion, uh grow up? If i tell him this, he will blame me for not being supportive, never seeing his side, never helping him, blah blah, it's happened before. If he went and actually looked for help from his brother, father, whatever, i would be more respectful of his negativity, but posting a giant complaint on facebook? He could only want one thing with that, sympathy. What do i do? Am i right to be thinking this, or am i in the wrong? I am not having the best time either, but i don't ruin his day about it. I do everything around the house, and don't complain, because i know he has a shitty commute, and no time.

I feel like if i were in his position, i would be putting up with the , and seeing if i could fix it, instead of getting all emo about it. I'm starting to doubt his ability to be a man that i can count on when things get a little hard. This is real life, and he's failing the part about staying optimistic. Every adult i know has had to put up with from bosses, commutes, bad jobs, whatever. He's not special in that regard. I just don't know what to do.

**Mes T** · 03-16-2010 11:37 PM

Well it seems that you're just a way more optimistic person than he is. I'm kind of like you... I have my bad moments at work or with whatever in life, but I get through it and move on. Some of my friends, on the other hand, LOVE to complain to anyone who will listen and pretty much end up bringing other people down because of it.

I don't know if it's fair to say, at this point, that this might be a recurring problem for your boyfriend. Maybe it's possible that this and his previous boss have actually been in the wrong about many things. If your boyfriend is telling the truth about what's happening at work (and not exaggerating or something), then I think those are pretty good reasons to feel down. Maybe he has no power in his current position at his workplace to make any actual changes, so all he has left to do is complain... Seems pretty normal.

But if his attitude gets you down a lot, you might need to consider whether or not this person's worth it. If you're having more bad days than good, for whatever reason, then that's a red flag.

My current boyfriend also complains about things, a LOT, and I considered leaving him because of it. But then I found a way to avoid those dialogs entirely, and it's better now.

**rcoreyus** · 03-17-2010 12:16 AM

Its really common for people to think their bosses are unreasonable / incompetent / obnoxious. Then, when they become bosses they think the same about their employees. (happened to me). Of course there are terrible bosses (and employees), but most are reasonable people.

Suggest that he think about the situation from his bosses perspective. A lot of bosses micromanage because it is frightening to have your future based on someone else's work. That should get better as his boss learns that he can trust him to get the work done correctly. (this can take time). Imagine the situation where you were graded on someone else's classwork - there would be a strong temptation to watch what the did, and provide suggestions.

Not speaking fluent German is another issue. People with poor skills in a language come across as less intelligent - it is just an unreasonable but common reaction. I admire him for learning german at all - I'm in Munich right now for work and I don't speak a word of German - I just can't manage to learn a new language. (I'm from the US). Again time will let your BFs boss realize that he really is competent (assuming he is of course).

Good luck

**sarasbluegroove** · 03-17-2010 12:41 AM

Thank you so much for your quick responses! You made me feel much better, and even gave me some ideas on how to talk to him. The perspective from the boss is a really good idea. I don't have more bad days then good, but again, we haven't been living in this type of situation for long. I tend to analyze situations alot, and think the worst of them (even though i'm the more optimistic person) and what impact it will have on our future.

I just don't know how to approach him when he's in this kind of mood. All he wants from me is sympathy and comfort, which i will give, but i also don't want him wallowing in pitty. I am fairly cynical (is that the right word?) when it comes to his woes (or anyone for that matter) at work. I know he exaggerates things in other parts of his life, but i have no idea how much he exaggerates at work. We take very different approaches to life. He has a more indignant outlook, where he thinks he doesn't deserve certain things (as in from jobs, people, family, ect), where as i will take it as it comes. Get a boatload of hw, yeah it sucks, i deal with it, get it done, and still stay fairly active in other parts of my life. I'll surround myself with things that make me happy while doing crappy work. My boyfriend will actually dig himself in a hole, lock himself in a room and make himself miserable while doing the work. He'll snap at people who bother him or slow him down, and just be miserable to deal with. That's what he's doing now, except he's not working on anything, he's bringing it home from work.

I don't have a problem with him venting about work, but last night be blew up and was just yelling and gesturing, i've never seen him so upset except when we argue. He wasn't yelling AT me, just telling me stuff. But he was very indignant, saying "people shouldn't have to put up with this " blah blah. My thoughts are, it was one bad day, and your recalling everything that has ever gone wrong in the work place and expecting it to keep happening? I feel like he's making this much more worse in his head then it has to be. He was just as pissed off this morning, and told me flat out he thinks his boss is finding ways of making him miserable. I think thats a little extreme. I have no idea how to approach him with this attitude. I can understand to an extent, because i've been really upset and depressed, and you start to blow everything out of proportion and think everything sucks. But how do i help him? I usually recover within a few days after my pms has subsided, lol.

I also think, could he be doing something at work that is making his boss feel like he should micromanage him? How do you tell a person any of this when they'll immediately feel like your betraying them, and not supporting them?

He's accused me before of not supporting him. Sometimes i was in the wrong, but other times i feel like i couldn't support him in something that i think he is wrong about. I also don't believe a lot of what other people complain about, because there is always another side to the story. I look for the answer WHY not, "yeah i know, your life is so much more miserable then everyone elses, the whole world seems like its against you". I don't do that, sorry, i'm not a big person on sympathy when people start talking like that, which is what he is doing.

**rcoreyus** · 03-17-2010 01:47 PM

He may just be looking for generic support - just commiserate and give him a hug and kiss. If it sounds like his unhappiness isn't interfering with his work, that is OK. If it does sound like the issues with his boss will turn into a career problem, then you may need to do more than just commiserate.

**Mes T** · 03-17-2010 06:00 PM

Okay so yesterday my boyfriend had a big problem at work and was so angry he was almost shaking... and I said, "Don't worry, it'll all work out" because I dunno, that's something people might say in a situation like that...

But turns out, in his opinion, that was the WRONG thing to say, and he ended up turning his anger on ME because of it.

What he really wanted was for me to just agree with him, sympathize, call the people at his work a-holes and all that, to show that I was "on his side." As if I wasn't already...??

But anyway that reminded me of your situation. Some people just need that extra sympathy to feel better.

**sarasbluegroove** · 03-17-2010 11:36 PM

Mes T, that is exactly the situation that happened last night, except i said something a little worse.

He told me last week he was depressed, i thought he meant about his commuting situation, it was the first week of work, the 1.5 hours of commute both ways was a big shock to him, so i thought he had it rough for a few days.

Last night i brought him out to an irish pub to celebrate St. Pattys. We drank a beer, then went hunting for cheaper food down the road. Then he wanted to go home because he woke up. My thought process was, you can't stay out a little longer and suffer just one morning? I say this because i used to do it regularly when in school. We would either go out to the bar late with friends, and i would have to wake up at 6 to go to class. Or we would be up until 11 doing hw, i would have to drive home (he lived at school) wake up at 6, i would go see him before class, and would wake him up. I never complained, never got upset with him and thought my life was miserable becasue my schedule sucked.

So last night i said if i were in your position, i would stay out just a little longer and go enjoy the live music. Well that hit a nerve, and he left me in the little fast food joint, just left. I was so shocked and so angry that he could do that, i didn't knwo what to do. Since i wasn't going to stay at the bar any longer, i went home too, but of course we were on the same subway. At one point he sends me texts saying that i don't know what it's like to be him. He said he has comtemplated suicide, and is very depressed. Then he calls me a ing retard (i'm not allowed to use that word around him because he finds it offensive) because i wasn't looking up, and he was trying to get my attention. He then acts like a complete to me, being sarcastic and mean, and i just walked away, because there was no point in what he was doing or saying.

We get home and go to sleep, i wake up an hour later to find the bed empty, he's upstairs on the couch. he tells me this morning that he cried himself to sleep on the couch. I talked to him this morning about it, and he says he's not upset with me, in the here and now, and also in general, i'm not makeing things worse for him. I have no idea what to do for him. Half of me what's to be furious for his behavior last night, the other half can see he's got some issues that he doesn't know how to deal with, never mind me.

His dad has depression and takes meds, but we're in germany, and i've heard they don't prescribe it freely here.

I have no idea how to deal with this. He's been depressed before, but not continuouly, he was always able to change the situation. I'm already doing everything i can around the house, he doesn't have to do anything. It doesn't help that right now we have a report due (in german) that needs to be done this weekend, that we have no time to work on.

Advice? Opinions? We're kind of stuck with each other for the next 6 months, so i can't leave him. I don't know if i want to. i don't know what can be done about this situtation though either. I'm also comtemplating talking to his mom, but i'm not sure. She doesn't keep things to herself, and his family are like wolves when it comes to situations like these. I can see his dad calling him a and to get over it. Maybe his older brother who is married and has a real job could help me? I also don't want to go behind his back either. I need to talk to an adult about this though, that has gone through this before, or knows something about how to help him. Therapy? I have no clue.

**Mes T** · 03-18-2010 12:12 AM

Okay.

The part about your boyfriend blowing up at you, needlessly, is a pain in the bum but is manageable for us. I tell my best friend all my problems with my boyfriend, and she says that he reminds her a lot of her dad. Her dad, all his life, has had problems controlling his emotions. She grew up with a person whose blood boiled at the smallest things. It wasn't easy for her or her mom to deal with that, but they managed by recognizing the warning signs and learning how to talk to him in a way that wouldn't make it worse. For my situation, she recommended I use "I" statements, don't raise my voice at him even if he does, and calmly explain how some of his behaviors make me feel.

On the one hand I think that's great that they found a way to deal with him, but on the other I think... why even bother?? Why spend their lives placating this overgrown CHILD, essentially? I dunno. I love my boyfriend very much but these are questions I'm asking myself.

Alright, so the part about your boyfriend calling you NAMES and putting you down?? That's unacceptable, in my book. A bad attitude I can put up with, but name calling to my face? I'm out the door, the minute that happens.

If these things keep happening in your relationship, there's going to come a point where you won't be able to take any more. I'd have a serious talk with him about his behavior, maybe carefully outlining exactly what you want to say and how you want it to come across before you do it.

If he truly has some medical condition like depression, then you might not be able to deal with this on your own... Seeing a counselor might be a good start, not just for him, but for you as well, to bounce ideas off of someone who has probably seen a lot of this.

By the way, my best friend understands my boyfriend so well that she can predict his next outburst. She thinks he'll start accusing me of not appreciating him. That happen to you yet?

**sarasbluegroove** · 03-18-2010 12:58 AM

He didn't name call to my face, it was in a text, but still, i agree, i would never consider calling him a name when i am angry, because you can't take that back.

Our talk this morning was basically, he understands that i have been taking care of everything, that my life isn't peachy either, and he knows he's being a burden with his attitude. But he can't alter the outlook he has, and he doesn't know how to. I would love to get him help, but i've suggested it before because of his temper, and well, that didn't go down well at all.

I don't know how to approach him to tell him that he needs to find help, either in talking with his dad, who has dealt with similar issues, his brother who has already gone through this stage in his life, or a counselor.

Also, i don't know how to approach telling him that his behavior last night was unacceptable. He's done it before, when he's angry, he gets verbally mean. Not calling me names, but uses a lot of sarcasm and makes it impossible to have a calm conversation. But we can usually talk about it after he's cooled down, which is why i did not want to discuss last night in the subway in front of people, which he usually doesn't want to do, so i was surprised when he did that last night.

As for how his job is being affected, i don't know. He is getting very frustrated with his boss, who doesn't seem to listen to him. The kind of guy who interrupts you while your trying to tell him why something isn't working. I can understand how this can be frustrating, but he told me that he's already gone into the bathroom numerous times to cry the first week, and now it's too calm down so he doesn't snap at anyone.

Since we're in germany, this makes things 10 times harder, because we need a therapist that speaks english. That is another source of constant stress also, the fact that we have to speak another language always, that neither of us speak well. Communicating is very hard.

He knows he has a problem, but how do i get him to realize he needs help with it? Maybe put it in a way that says i need the help coping with his depression?

I've been asking myself also if this is worth it, i'm only 22. i also wonder if this is a phase of adjustment, or if this is a real thing. His depression was triggered, it didn't just happen, and it's not always there. This is just so hard to deal with on top of everything else we have to deal with.

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