The ex files have opened....

**PJhavinfunagain** · 03-17-2010 04:15 PM

I completely understand where you are coming from! Dh ex's not only messed him up emotionally but they screwed him over so bad financially that I am the one that gets the shaft... Example... I am sitting on a couch his ex picked out 14 years ago and sleeping on the horrible water bed they picked out. oh and Dh and I have lived together almost 10 years!

**WildChild** · 03-17-2010 04:41 PM

Originally Posted by sperosi

I'm sorry, i think that is insensitive. everyone has been through different stuff, and everyone handles it differently. and some handle the physical hurts very well, but fall apart at the emotional stuff.

This was not directed toward HD. It was my feeling about all the, poor-hurt-me, I've heard from men over many years. They never seem to get over it, I heard about it for 8 years in my last marriage. I saw him though years of unemployment and more than one major illness and still heard about it. Now I'm dealing with it again, I've been nothing but supportive, have been there every time he's needed something, have never wavered. I've heard about the other women he loved who hurt him, there were several. And like HD, it was sometime into the relationship before these ghosts were let out of the closet.

It is not OK to dump what someone else did to you in another person's lap. I've essentially been been told, more than once, by a man that he can't love me or trust because of what some other woman did to him. This is always after they worked to establish a relationship, or worse, we were married. It may be that getting emotionally close brings up old feelings that haven't been dealt with, but it doesn't make it right or OK to then project them on to someone new who loves you and whom you've worked at drawing close.

I understand exactly what HD is saying about it being belittling. It hurts. It hurts to know they got hurt, gave someone else a chance, perhaps got hurt again and are now going to make you suffer for it. Right or wrong, it does feel like you are less valued, less loved. After all they can't get over what's-her-name enough to actually give you a chance. You get all the insecurity, the kneejerk responses, the emotional withdrawl and you've done nothing to create it.

For myself I've had to step back a bit, to say, "I love you, that hasn't changed, but you have to work this out. I can't be your whipping post, nor can I stand to watch you whip yourself." It's their stuff, only they can sort it out and clean out the junk. You don't move someone else in when your ex's stuff is still in the dresser drawers, so to speak. I know it's not just men who do this.

**sourpuss** · 03-17-2010 05:22 PM

I've gotten to the point where I just respond with "I'm not ____ (their ex's name) and you're not _____ (my ex's name). So let's not treat eachother like they treated us and be happy with what we have together, because neither of us are like them. They are exs for a reason."

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-17-2010 06:02 PM

I've dealt with this before ,but in my case, I was the one in his shoes. Sometimes an SO "wants" you to open up about your past, but when you do, they sort of in a way use it against or. Or maybe not blatantly against you, but they use it to keep negative thoughts. I look at it this way, past is past and he knows that. Every thing we experience in life brings us to where we are : childhood, relationships with parents, relationships with siblings, dating relationships, education, hobbies Etc etc etc.

Just because someone opens up and talks to you about things that happened in their past, doesn't mean they're expecting you to pay for those things. More importantly, those things they experienced before you, helped them to LEARN what they truly want and what they don't. For example: I fell head over heels for a guy, I jumped in quickly, practically lived with him, gave up my me time, my social life, did things I would've otherwise not had to do. Really really gave of myself to him. Then, he cheated on me, emotionally abused me, and absolutely broke my heart. Now, though I'm past that heartbreak and have NO feelings for him whatsoever, I still think of it and that experience is part of the reason that in relationships now I'm not so willing to give of myself so soon. I'm more guarded with myself, with who I am and what I want. I see this as a good thing, but when I told my BF about that previous relationship, he said "I can't believe you were EVER like that!". And I'm sure he thought "why isn't she like that with me?? I bet she loved him more...". But for me, it's not a bad thing that Ive changed....and I certainly do not expect my current bf to pay for what those in my past have done. But I do expect my current to understand that I have changed from 3 years ago, I have changed from 5 years ago, and 5 years from now I'll have undoubtedly changed certain things about my relationships.

I believe you've mentioned in previous posts that you're more on the needy side of things where relationships are concerned. ( I don't mean that offensively I just didn't know how else to say it!!

) You must be careful that you don't take everything personally. Because there's a chance he was just trying to share his past with you. If he opens up, and somehow you make it about you, then he ends up paying the price for opening up to you. Therefore, he'll stop.

Now...on another note....if you truly feel that you are being punished, that he's not treating you how you deserve to be treated, then know that his past is no excuse. If he is not treating you right, it's because he's not the right man for you......it's not because of what some exgirlfriend did or didn't do. Never let there be any excuse for not being treated the way you want. But based on what you've said about your relationship I don't think that's the case.

**sperosi** · 03-18-2010 02:40 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

This was not directed toward HD. It was my feeling about all the, poor-hurt-me, I've heard from men over many years.

. . .

and thats what i was referring to. not towards HD, but the comment about/towards men. it's one thing if it is used as an excuse, and lord knows people can come up with some doozies, but there are people out there who have been hurt really bad and for whom it is a real factor, both men and women.

it didnt appear from me in reading HDs post that this was a case of "oh poor me" from her BF, but him trying to open up for real.

Beautiful Disaster hit it on the head, and unfortunately seems to have had the same kind of experience I have in this area. some of us are just more private people and letting people in wasnt easy to begin with, let alone after you have been hurt.

so unless he's doing something else that indicates this is just an excuse, this could be real to him. and him sharing this kind of feeling with HD is a HUGE thing for him and indicates (to me at least) that she is more important.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-18-2010 03:41 AM

Recently my boyfriend shared to me some of his experiences with girls that have lead him to close up emotionally. While I understand how it can happen... I can't help but feel hopeless at the same time.

Sperosi and I am on the same page. You are going to get so many, "oh man I know, rada rada"..

Your missing the point.

You have been with him for a long time.... "Finally" he opened up his "in-securities" and shared something very special with you, his past life... You have yours HD, and your own in-securities as we all do...

Why is it the moment a man decides to share women panic? And, think automatically, OMG, am I tough enough, strong enough? I'll tell you, I won't do ......

My experience?

David also mentioned his "in-security" I took it as "cute"... I always say things to him, and I mean them, "has anyone ever told you, you have a beautiful voice?", or " has anyone every told you your cute?"... His answer? No.. No-one has ever told me that.

One day, out of the blue after much to drink he said " You know what I love about you? The way you love me...".

I laughed.... He now has a sex life he desired, but it's not sex... It's the way I love him...

And in that, he chose to share and tell me things, things a "man" may not do, but a "man in love" will...

Perhaps what you need to realise is that this man, is sharing with you of what he had, what didn't work for him and what he has, and has worked for him...

In-security needs to go out the door...........

Sorry. My take.

CW

**sperosi** · 03-18-2010 05:35 AM

especially since he shared what actually happened. if he just said he had been hurt and left it at that, i could see it maybe being an excuse thing.

if he is actually sharing, it is HUGE!

**WildChild** · 03-18-2010 06:40 AM

I will leave this subject alone. I spoke of my experience over nearly 40 years. Maybe I bring out the insecurities in men, obviously I've not been effective in helping them deal with them. I'll leave this to those who have a better track record.

**pretzel** · 03-18-2010 06:58 AM

Maybe I'm misinterpreting HD's original post or the direction the thread has taken.

My take on HD's situation was more than just her BF opening up to the direction some of his past relationships had taken, but more along the lines that it was those relationships filtering into their lives as it is now.

I think there are 2 issues,

First, it's one thing to open up to what has happened in the past. That's part of our life experiences.

It's another thing to carry that past into the future. If he's carrying those feelings of repressive relationships into this one, then he's repeating his past. That's a recipe for repeating the past, which HD doesn't want to be part of.

It's one thing to talk about one's past, it's another to live in one's past.

**sperosi** · 03-18-2010 09:21 AM

i dont think you need to back out of the conversation, and i am in no way saying that i have any idea how to fix this. what i am saynig is that this can be real for some people.

i dont know about repeating the past, or if it just trying to deal with or come to terms with it.

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