The ex files have opened....

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-17-2010 12:04 PM

Recently my boyfriend shared to me some of his experiences with girls that have lead him to close up emotionally. While I understand how it can happen... I can't help but feel hopeless at the same time.

I feel like he gave all of himself to someone who treated him like dirt and now that he has someone that treats him like a king he holds back.

How can I not feel like he must have loved this girl, these girls more than me. If he saw something in them that allowed him to let his gaurd down and be hurt but doesn't seem to be able to do that for me in some ways.

I'm not going to pay for their sins. Armed with this information I can't help but feel maybe he associates his love with being treated badly... and the fact that I treat him so good maybe makes me less desirable in his eyes.

That perhaps he feels like he needs be with a woman that makes him feel unworthy in order to appreciate her. Where as since I make him feel more than deserving , he doesn't have to prove himself for me... that maybe it makes me a less exciting conquest.

I've known girls that will walk all over the guys that treat them well and pine for the bad boys that break their heart. I really hope this isn't the case with my boyfriend , i have never thought it was but suddenly I'm not so sure.

I won't change myself and treat him bad to get his attention. Its not me. If me being giving and loving and trustworthy is not valued, I can't help but feel that there is someone out there that WOULD value those traits.

I love him with all my heart and can't imagine leaving him unless there was absolute certainty that I'm not appreciated for the awesome chick (

) that I am. He generally does make me feel like he knows he's a lucky guy... but more and more lately... I've become doubtful.

**sourpuss** · 03-17-2010 12:13 PM

Ugh! I know exactly where you are coming from. It's so hard to not take it personally. I just try to remind myself that most people judge and react to their current situation based on their experiences in the past. The older you get, usually, the more baggage people are going to have. It takes a really emotionally mature person to not carry that baggage with them from relationship to relationship. And not just with SOs, in friendships, jobs, etc. Some people try all the right things, but with the wrong people and instead of realizing that it was just with the wrong person, they think trying and being open was wrong. Time and patience is the only way to break through that, if ever.

The only way I've learned to deal with it is not allow my past experiences to affect how I see people now. I take everyone for what they present to me, baggage and all. It's really the only thing you can do.

**pretzel** · 03-17-2010 12:27 PM

Personally,

I think I would kindly remind him that those who don't learn from their past are destined to repeat it.

He needs to understand that if the relationship is going to progress that the way his past girlfriends treated him does not mean that is what he seeks in a relationship. For obvious reasons, his past relationships haven't succeeded.

He needs to look at what happened before and what made him happy. If it was love and respect then he needs to know that's what he's found in you.

But at the same time, he may say something that made him happy in the past that you may not be willing to give. I think you need to be prepared for that happening also.

Best of Luck HD. From our interactions here, I think you're a very fine young lady and will truely be happy in life.

**WildChild** · 03-17-2010 12:58 PM

Pretzel is right but I've been dealing with it too and this isn't my first experience with this. It put it in the common venacular, it sucks.
I do get so frustrated.
Excuse me, so you got treated badly? You got your heart broke? Maybe more than once? I'm starting to feel like just saying, "wah wah".
I've been through stuff that sounds like some overdone movie script, rape, gun to the head, stalked, cheated on - I could go on and on. I'm willing to let it go, move on and try again. WHY should I have to pay for what he's been through? I've paid for what I've been through, haven't dumped it on to anyone else. It's like the double whammy. I'm think men are often more emotionally fragile than women. They've been raised with the idea they are "the man" and should be in the drivers seat. If they hurt you - too bad for you, you'll get over it. But it a woman hurts them.... life as you know it had ended, never to be reclaimed. Really I get sick of it sometimes. It was the theme of my first marriage, my last marriage and my current situation. It was enough to deal with my own stuff, heal and put it behind me, now I have to be punished for someone else's stuff too??
I understand completely HD. It does hurt. They treated him like last weeks dog food and you get all the backlash - why didn't he dump that on Them?
Sigh.

**p3375** · 03-17-2010 01:25 PM

WC said: Excuse me, so you got treated badly? You got your heart broke? Maybe more than once? I'm starting to feel like just saying, "wah wah".

Had to lol at that! A good friend once said almost those exact words to me one time. I was doing the same dang thing and didn't even realize it! Her words were painful but true. Helped me "get over it" and grow up a little.
P

**sperosi** · 03-17-2010 01:32 PM

HD, i can understand completely where he is coming from and why its so hard for him to open up. I am in his exact same situation, bit probably been hurt more often and a lot harder.

take it from one who has been and is there, ...

it does NOT mean he loved those girls more than you. Nor does it mean that he wants/expects/needs you to treat him badly to be appreciated. It also doesn't mean that you are any less desirable.

you are an amazing young woman, and someone i think any of us would be proud to have as a daughter in law, or family member.

what it does mean, is that he's been hurt really badly, is really scared, and may or may not be able to get past the pain of the past. it's hard to let go of that kind of pain, especially when you gave your heart to someone and they threw it away.

the fact that he has finally opened up about it shows just how much you really do mean to him.

again, i've been there and are there now. i know how he feels, and its not about how you are or are not.

{{{HUGS}}} & XOXOXO

PS: WC is right, men are more fragile about this than women in some cases. and there's nothing wrong with it.

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-17-2010 01:59 PM

I don't think people realize when they say that they can't open their heart because the last time they did they got hurt that it ELEVATES the person that broke their heart. It makes them more special, more deserving of it... at least it feels that way.

If they were truly over the person that hurt them the best way to prove that to themself is to not allow that person the authority to rule over how they love in the future.

I don't want to hear about some girl that was nothing like me, that treated him like dirt being the one that he opened up to and locked his heart up so tight after she left.

I've been hurt SO many times, like you WC... I don't carry it in my heart. I'm not going to let some dbag from my past dictate how well I am going to receive someone so much better than them.

I'm glad he opened up to me, but at the same time I do know those words will haunt me. A little part of me and my happiness with him died with those words, only time will tell if he deems me equally as important as her enough to love me without a steel cage around his heart.

**sourpuss** · 03-17-2010 02:30 PM

If we all had the ability to not allow those that hurt us affect us, then the world would be a much better place. But I think that's a struggle for all of mankind. Hating someone is giving them as much energy as loving them. Truly not being affected is giving them no validity at all. ...but very, very difficult for a person to do. (myself included) But I think it's human nature.

I agree with sperosi, it doesn't mean that you're loved any less. Just that he's having a hard time allowing himself to potentially be in that same situation. Of course, he's not with you. But when you've been burned, it's a lot harder to see the forest for the trees. Your struggle with this will be to not let it be personal, because it's not.

**sperosi** · 03-17-2010 02:49 PM

Originally Posted by WildChild

. . .

Excuse me, so you got treated badly? You got your heart broke? Maybe more than once? I'm starting to feel like just saying, "wah wah".

. . .

I'm sorry, i think that is insensitive. everyone has been through different stuff, and everyone handles it differently. and some handle the physical hurts very well, but fall apart at the emotional stuff.

**sperosi** · 03-17-2010 02:51 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

. . .
I'm glad he opened up to me, but at the same time I do know those words will haunt me. A little part of me and my happiness with him died with those words, only time will tell if he deems me equally as important as her enough to love me without a steel cage around his heart.

He told you about it. that should show you that you are well above and much more important anyone else.

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