Sharing apartment with guy, not boyfriend

**Fish** · 03-22-2010 02:16 PM

I need advice ladies!!

I'm 23 and in graduate school working on my master's degree. I have to move in May to a research facility to work on my thesis, so I've been looking for apartments and rentals online for the last few months to get an idea of what is available. Most of the places I have looked at that are up to my standards are way too expensive for what I can afford, and the ones that are within my budget are in scary parts of town or are run down.

My labmate, who is a 24 yo male working on his phd, is moving the same time I am, so we recently discussed sharing a 2 bed, 2 bath apartment. Literally, the cost savings would be hundreds of dollars per month, and I wouldn't have to sacrifice my standards or safety. We get along really well, I've known him since last August, and we could carpool to the facility every day to save even more money.

Here is the problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. He is moving to another state in a few months to start his master's degree. I asked him about this a few weeks ago and he didn't really give me a straight answer about how he felt about it, just that it might be kind of awkward. So I told my bf that I had talked to my labmate about living together...apparently it is a bigger problem than he initially led me to believe...but he can't give me a solid answer as to why it is such a big problem. He says trust isn't the issue. So despite the fact that I'd save a whole bunch of money over a year, feel safer, and be able to live in a nicer place than if I lived on my own, he is strongly opposed to it and "uncomfortable" with the situation.

What can I do to make him more comfortable with this situation?? I can see how I would feel if the situation were reversed, but honestly I don't really have any other option, and because of that, I don't see what the big deal is.

**Fish** · 03-22-2010 02:18 PM

Oops maybe this should be in the dating forum...

**LanaBear** · 03-22-2010 02:20 PM

I'll admit, it would be extremely odd and I doubt I would tolerate it if in your bf's shoes.

My first question is... Would you be able to handle him living with a female roommate even if he didn't have any other options?

It's sticky situation. Some may make it work, but again, being around a person of the opposite sex constantly, as you two would be, could lead to other feelings and he is probably very scared of that.

**Fish** · 03-22-2010 02:27 PM

We discussed that, and I feel like I would be more reasonable than he is being, especially if it was his only option. Sure it might be uncomfortable, but I trust him, so I wouldn't even think twice about him being unfaithful to me.

Without sounding horrible, I could not be any more un-attracted to my labmate. He is not my type, and no matter how much time we spent together, it would never lead to anything. Most of my friends are male. I would never, ever cheat on my bf and he knows this.

**LanaBear** · 03-22-2010 02:32 PM

Maybe just continue talking to him about it. If he trusts you as much as he should, maybe he will come around. It will be extremely awkward, but if you options are limited then maybe the only choice is the awkwardness.

Have you looked for the same situation with a female roommate? Browsed the ads for someone looking for a female roommate?

**Fish** · 03-22-2010 02:39 PM

I have, but I'd rather live with someone who I already know and who I trust to pay rent on time. There really aren't many available in the area I'm going to though, so even my options for finding a good roommate are limited. I guess it's just an inconvenience that he's a guy, lol.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-22-2010 02:45 PM

I think what the problem is, is that you've made your mind up

That's exactly perfect for you, for you, it's like "the Universe stepped in and gave you an answer"..Maybe, it actually did?

The thing is, I think your man does trust you, just not the situation.. ie) This guy may never try it on you, but he will have male friends over and one of them may, you all may have a few drinks, fear, fear, fear, so it's not him not trusting you, it's not trusting "men" and let's face it .... that's a real posibility, you know what boys are like...

So, you have to establish what this guy is like is he a studier, quiet, doesn't want weekends of partying etc, and talk to your boyfriend about his character.

Also what about your girlfriends that are moving are there any? Maybe, you could also tell your boyfriend you will do it without commitment? That once over there and once you've established girlfriends, you'll try to change the living arrangements.

I think making him feel "this is my only choice" is what's bothering him.

CW

**LanaBear** · 03-22-2010 02:48 PM

I had another thought too... What about the two of them meeting, lunch, dinner, something, next time your boyfriend is in town? I'm sure the other guy would be more than open to the idea, as I'm sure he would completely understand where your bf is coming from...

Just a thought.

**Fish** · 03-22-2010 02:53 PM

This guy is a 24 yo virgin...not by choice...if that gives you an idea of what he is like! He is super quiet, really shy, and doesn't make friends easily, so I highly doubt he'll make friends in the year we would live together. But that is a valid point, I'll ask him if that's a concern.

No girlfriends moving down there, only me and my labmate.

Yes, I kind have made up my mind on the matter, mainly because I need to save money to be able to fly out to SEE my boyfriend. I don't know, it just seems like the better option to me, and I want my boyfriend to be ok with it, because if I can't find a reasonably priced, nice apartment for myself...well it just seems like a really good option, but obviously not at the expense of my relationship. BUT I'm not going to get a place to myself just to appease him- I feel he is being a tad bit controlling.

**Fish** · 03-22-2010 02:53 PM

Oh yes that is the plan! The last few times my bf was in town my friend was gone those weekends so they have yet to meet. So my guy is coming in 2 weeks and I'm going to make sure they get to know each other.