Relationship Time Machine (not a TARDIS )

**sperosi** · 03-24-2010 03:10 PM

I have been doing a lot of rethinking of the choices I have made in my life, work wise, friendship wise, love life wise, etc. One of the things i have been pondering is just how many indicators there were that there were "issues" before I made a decision to change jobs, become friends with someone, or get involved with someone.

Being very critical in hindsight, i have found that there were a lot of signs that things werent as rosy as i thought, and that instead of just going along thinking things werent an issue, that i should have listened to my gut and done something differently.

For example, when my SO and i were dating, they had a horrible credit card debt, and had some credibility issues at work. well, many many years later they still cant handle money properly, are always past due, and i dont seem to be able to depend on them to get anything done.

I've seen similar patterns with people I have tried to be friends with, and ended up getting hurt by; job choices i should have not made; and problems with relatives I should have just ejected from my life a long time ago.

So yes, i realize that a lot is just me making bad decisions. But how many of you when looking back, see some of the same things in your lives? having disregarded something that seemed minor at the time but ended up being a real problem later? and what kind of things?

and would you make the same choices again?

**WildChild** · 03-24-2010 03:46 PM

I have certainly seen it. But as they say, hindsight is always 20/20.

Over time our perspective may change so that we see things as a warning sign now but at the time it might have seemed neutral or even a positive. For example we might think that someone being very tidy, always wanting things to look just so, taking extra care of their appearance, their home and vehicle, might seem positive in that they take care of what they have and like to have things nice and comfortable. After living with them for a time these same characturistics may seem obsessive, vain or narcissistic. It may be hard to say if they got worse or our perspective changed.

When we have on the rose colored glasses of infatuation, we do overlook things that might otherwise set off our alarm bells. I know I certainly have. I have a tendency to see the good anyway and that combined with a dose of infatuation, seems to lead me into disaster. After the disaster, family and freinds will be saying, "we wondered what you saw in him". I wish they had said something much earlier, I might have made just enough adjustment to my thinking to see the train wreck ahead.

It's all a learning experience. I just wish mine were a bit less expensive and disruptive. I've lost nearly all more than once. It's just not in me to hold back and only give a little.

**rcoreyus** · 03-24-2010 03:49 PM

Its easy to see past mistakes - you can see the potholes in the road you took. You can't see the problems with the road you didn't take.

Still, if I had a time machine, I'd go back smack myself upside the head for a number of decisions (not relationship related).

**MissMeSha810** · 03-24-2010 08:34 PM

Wow!!! I must say that this is a very interesting subject. I have to admit that every friend that I've ever had turned out to be a piece of crooked ! And upon meeting each one of them, there was a sign or signal that was telling me, "Run, run, run as fast as you can!!!!" People seem to draw themselves to me and pour their guts out about their problems and me being a very empathetic individual, listen and give my advice and they always come back for more and glue themselves to me. Then there is the underdog that no one like or never given a chance.....I always found out the hard way. I would know these people for years on end just to get bitten in the behind! But when I looked back, there was always a sign, their intro was a cry for help or sympathy. Or the advice I was giving to help their jacked up relationship did not work so they would try their best to ruin mine. I stay away from people now unless they come with a resume and references from a life long best friend!

**Mes T** · 03-24-2010 10:23 PM

I think the biggest thing I'd change was to be more confident growing up, as a child/teenager.

But then again, if I had changed something, I would have been a different person now... And I quite like myself (not in an arrogant way of course)...

So, it's really hard to say what I actually WOULD CHANGE were I really given the chance.

**p3375** · 03-25-2010 02:02 AM

If I had it to do over again, the change I'd try to make is to "listen to my gut" as mentioned in the thread starter.

I've come to believe most of us are born with a very powerful tool which we either develop and listen to or which we ignore and allow to wither. You can call it intuition, instinct or listenin to your gut, but I think trusting in that small still voice deep inside oneself can (or could have) saved me from lots of bad choices, from jobs and relationships - to times when I placed myself in physical danger and paid the price.

My problem is often I believe to what I want to believe rather than listen to that little voice. (shrug)
P

**ocularone** · 03-25-2010 03:46 AM

Yea i would agree with everyone when they say that hindsight is 20/20 and so forth. I think that everything that we go through, things (good or bad) that happen to us, choices we make..They all shape who we are as a person. Sometimes i can get in the mood to try and look back to regret some of the things that i had to do. It's easy to sit and create a laundry list of the things you would change. "Why couldn't i have just..." or "If only i would have...". We all have things we could fill those blanks in with, but honestly it doesn't matter because what's done is done. I try my absolute best to try and learn from everything that has happened in my life. The very good...and the very tragic. The question i try to ask myself from time to time that i think is more productive is: "Do i like who i have become?" Because that question is still being answered right this moment. I can ALWAYS make strides to change who i am right now, if i so choose. Our stories havent ended yet. We all still have the ability to write a new chapter in our own story...

**kygirl** · 03-25-2010 07:36 AM

I'm a firm believer in not changing things... There are things I feel minor tinges of regret about...mainly how I handled situations or even people I date a bit too long BUT honestly, I feel like everything is a combined product of who we are. Things may not be perfect but I am happy with the direction my life is headed, the great friends I have in it, and the man I'm dating. One little thing could change all of that, and maybe not for the best.... I believe we look back to learn and try not to make the same mistakes, but I wouldn't change it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-25-2010 01:09 PM

I think we all have "gut feelings", "intuition" but we see that red flag and instead of evaluating and getting out, if we know it's going to affect us later, or think that it may, we go with it and think we can either accept it as we can change it, or worry about it later because in this moment, we need that person for what ever reason, that may be, a new friend, a new relationship, a potential relationship, etc only to find out that we should have followed that gut feeling.

I also think confidence changes our thought pattern. That being that if we were really hurt, and we see that sign again and we are confident in ourselves, we do in deed not ignore it that time, we do walk away from it.

Life is about learning. Mistakes are there to be made to learn from... Confidence that we can do it may be the answer to not re-make them again.

CW

**sperosi** · 03-28-2010 09:56 AM

those are all some very good observations.

i just wonder if in my case, whether the gut was right all along, or if i allowed it to become a self fulfilling prophecy.

great, now i have something else to obsess about forever...